West Ham are complete failures! Let's all laugh at 'em!

[thebish]

In the meantime if there's anything we can help with (show you how to make fire, explain the rudimentaries of the metric system, sell you our vastly over-rated captain for way more than he's worth) please don't hesitate to ask.

LMAO just when you're in full rant, you couldn't help cheering us all up with a pop yourselves.

Thanks

To be fair - we've both got one of those....

[Dujon]

Steady on, you lot. You have collectively wasted a fair chunk of my morning coffee time reading that compilation of one-liners and mini-essays. It has been most enjoyable and, I must say, far better quality banter than I would have expected given the title of this thread.

Well done to (nearly) all - of course the moderators could have been working overtime for all I know.

To the Hammers/Irons who have arrived and whose posts have survived I tender my welcome and my thanks for your contributions.

Mind you, your club has got itself into a right proper mess this season. Still, you crawled from bottom-at-Christmas to avoid relegation and were, in a sense, unlucky to go down last time with the points you had compiled during the season. Look on the bright side; it's another record you can put on the honour roll of achievement.

Even though it might seem otherwise I'm sure that a few on this forum sympathise with your plight. After all we've "been there, done that" (and not all that long ago either).

[TANGODANCER]

The Great Divide: The real truth about "norf" and "sarf" relations.

Larnden (sorry, there I go already, London)and its boroughs, is an arrogant place. Not sure why, except maybe the Queen and all the Cabinet Chinas hang out down there spending good tax money. Over-rated, over-priced and overblown. Their long-time view of the north as full of flat caps and whippet trailers munching meat pies and living in smoke-blackened terraced houses is as antiquated as it is boring and as likely as a Rio Ferdinand pie and mash shop up here. My dad wore a flat cap; he died in 1959. Whippets, outside of Gypsy stopover vans, are as rare a sight these days as good homegrown southern footballers. Meat pies will never die because they have so long been a delightful northern speciality. . There are few, if any cotton mills left and, contrary to southern opinion, technology is a major occupation here these days. We have a long history and good traditions. Because of same antiquated views held by most southerners, a natural dislike of anyone south of Watford Gap exists

Now the South, with a history going back beyond Roman times as being occupied by just about everybody and his brother, still does have, in addition to the really antiquated image stirrers-the Cockneys, (Knees up Mother Brown and Chas and Dave hardly do much to change the Pearly Kings tag) those psuedo-English bowler hat and rolled brolly types knocking seven bells out of each other trying to read the Guardian and Financial Times on trains in the more civilised business regions of the metroplolis. They also try to outdo the rest of the world by having more football teams per square mile than any other area. Yes, I remember when West Ham actually did have a football team with Brooking, Moore and Lampard senior and Billy Bonds, the ones who resembled extras from Lord of The Rings. That, like our last F.A Cup win and 66, was a long time ago.

Then again, as one of your number pointed out, there are the media moguls who still like to think of Fleet Street as the quill and pen empire of the civilised world. It is debatable if any of them actually know much about the game and certainly can't see beyond the southern darlings to praise. They, like most of the south, have been brain-washed into collecting battered phrases such as "long-ball, bullies, spoilers and hoofers" when referring to teams like Bolton Wanderers, especially when southern teams get beaten by them; not an entirely unknown situation these days.

If you want a real reason why Boltonions dislike West Ham, look no further than the dummy-spitting antics of a certain Joseph Cole on an occasion I won't embarrass you further by relating to. That has been done enough. For Bolton fans at least, he disgraced your team in front of millions by his petulance and childish behaviour. The rest then compounded your distress by jumping overboard faster than a stevedor with his arse on fire. We ourselves have visited the lower echelons of football more than once so we do know what it's like. That's why anybody calling us arrogant is a joke. Then again- hoofing and long-balling and all-we are now joint fourth in the Premiership with a realistic chance of Europe. West Ham, who have slated us unmercifully in the past, are in with a real chance of Champions league unless you start a serious climb back. Little wonder then, gentlemen, that we have a sly chortle at your plight. Of course, proving us wrong wouldn't exactly make us cry and might evoke a little attitude change.

Thank you (some of you at least) for visiting our site. Your future progression in football will determine just how many more pages are added to the "Laugh" thread, or whether the book is finally closed. I bid you adieu.

[Batman]

[officer_dibble]

I really wish I could get on this site at work; I may have had the time and effort I am severely lacking in now to reply.

Great front page piece though, certainly livened the boards up a bit...

[Montreal Wanderer]

KUMB was being quite nice about us (for them) until all this started. Mind you, they mostly give the credit to Sam, and not Warty. Odd that.

[BoltonBilly]

In the meantime if there's anything we can help with (show you how to make fire, explain the rudimentaries of the metric system, sell you our vastly over-rated captain for way more than he's worth) please don't hesitate to ask.

LMAO just when you're in full rant, you couldn't help cheering us all up with a pop yourselves.

Thanks

To be fair - we've both got one of those....

Oops didn't really think that through - I'll put me stones down and sit back in me glass house.

[thebish]

The Great Divide: The real truth about "norf" and "sarf" relations.

Now the South, with a history going back beyond Roman times as being occupied by just about everybody and his brother, still does have, in addition to the really antiquated image stirrers-the Cockneys, (Knees up Mother Brown and Chas and Dave hardly do much to change the Pearly Kings tag) those psuedo-English bowler hat and rolled brolly types knocking seven bells out of each other trying to read the Guardian and Financial Times on trains in the more civilised business regions of the metroplolis.

When was the last time you visited the Old Smoke Tango?? 1927??

[boltonboris]

Sensible reply from a hammers fan, just sums them up really....

oi you bolton wan*ers come say it to my face you gutless internet warriors strange how the west ham fans run you everwhere when we was at your ground for the cup game last year, how you forget

I bet he's about 10!

[Kronic]

Ahhhh Bolton
Where do I start?
That amusing little team who play in a soulless concrete jungle of a stadium where the local pub is errr Tesco (only alcohol is of course banned on match days)
So what of the fans?
Well at Upton Park you sit like little cardboard cut outs with as much animation as the maggot infested Queen Ma
At the Reebok, I've heard more noise at a Wimbledon (the tennis, not the extinct team you aspire to be)
Amusingly enough there was a tiny little squeak at The Reebok from a handful of pre pubescent spotty little cocks who in between covering their faces in Oxy 10 would occasionally try and sing.
The fact their voices hadn't yet broken was further more amusing.
I was actually watching your bunch of foreigners v Liverpool at Anfield last weekend
Now just how far is Anfield from your Northern c*nt hole of a cesspit?
30 miles that's how far.
Obviously too far when you can only manage to take a handful of your overweight pie eating lard arse soppy soulless cock-suckers to cheer on your foreign legion.
Is it because Bolton's football is so fecking dire to watch that you don;t bother turning up?
You have to hand it to fat "Gissa Bung " Sam
Only he could make a team's football as unattractive as himself.

Now sit down, shut up and go eat your fish suppers you dirty, stinking, whippet breeding flat capped, most pointless fans on the fecking planet soppy c**ting mugs

[TANGODANCER]

The Great Divide: The real truth about "norf" and "sarf" relations.

Now the South, with a history going back beyond Roman times as being occupied by just about everybody and his brother, still does have, in addition to the really antiquated image stirrers-the Cockneys, (Knees up Mother Brown and Chas and Dave hardly do much to change the Pearly Kings tag) those psuedo-English bowler hat and rolled brolly types knocking seven bells out of each other trying to read the Guardian and Financial Times on trains in the more civilised business regions of the metroplolis.

When was the last time you visited the Old Smoke Tango?? 1927??

Bloody hell. Chas and Dave are that old?

Okay Bish, my dreadful secret's out: I don't watch Eastenders and never have done, so I'm out of touch with "modern" Londinium. And, er, well, I might have exagerated just a little. Pen is mightier than the sword etc etc. Then again, where West Ham are concerned......

[thebish]

Ahhhh Bolton
Where do I start?
That amusing little team who play in a soulless concrete jungle of a stadium where the local pub is errr Tesco (only alcohol is of course banned on match days)

Welcome Kronic... we love you too! Asda, mate - it's Asda.....

(and the Reebok's got soul - haven't you heard - we play James Brown - the Godfather of Soul - every time we score. You heard it 4 times last time you came...)

hello? are you still there??

[thebish]

Now sit down, shut up and go eat your fish suppers you dirty, stinking, whippet breeding flat capped, most pointless fans on the fecking planet soppy c**ting mugs

Ahh - fish suppers - reminds me of the Great Rabbie Burrrrrns...

Tae a Fish Supper.

Fair fa' yer sonsie haddock or plaice,
Great chieftain o' the battered race;
wi' vinegar laced an' chips an' peas,
A sicht tae mak ye weak at the knees.

Wi' plastic knife I stab ye braw,
An' then staun back an' stare in awe.
Wi' a smell like you it is nae wonder,
My bellie rumbles, lood as thunder.

Is there that ower his haggis an' neeps,
Or ower his Irish stew he peeps,
Wi' envious glances at my plate,
Wishin' it was you he'd ate.

[CrazyHorse]

Ahhhh Bolton
Where do I start?
That amusing little team who play in a soulless concrete jungle of a stadium where the local pub is errr Tesco (only alcohol is of course banned on match days)
So what of the fans?
Well at Upton Park you sit like little cardboard cut outs with as much animation as the maggot infested Queen Ma
At the Reebok, I've heard more noise at a Wimbledon (the tennis, not the extinct team you aspire to be)
Amusingly enough there was a tiny little squeak at The Reebok from a handful of pre pubescent spotty little cocks who in between covering their faces in Oxy 10 would occasionally try and sing.
The fact their voices hadn't yet broken was further more amusing.
I was actually watching your bunch of foreigners v Liverpool at Anfield last weekend
Now just how far is Anfield from your Northern c*nt hole of a cesspit?
30 miles that's how far.
Obviously too far when you can only manage to take a handful of your overweight pie eating lard arse soppy soulless cock-suckers to cheer on your foreign legion.
Is it because Bolton's football is so fecking dire to watch that you don;t bother turning up?
You have to hand it to fat "Gissa Bung " Sam
Only he could make a team's football as unattractive as himself.

Now sit down, shut up and go eat your fish suppers you dirty, stinking, whippet breeding flat capped, most pointless fans on the fecking planet soppy c**ting mugs

Cock-suckers?
Fasten your seat belts people, their wit levels are reaching supernova.

[James B]

That amusing little team who play in a soulless concrete jungle of a stadium where the local pub is errr Tesco (only alcohol is of course banned on match days)

you couldn't knuckle drag your way to the several pubs near the ground then?

[Kronic]

No reply about your dire support then?

I would say it's a neck and neck race between you and Charlton for the coveted prize of England's most pointless fans.

[Bench]

No reply about your dire support then?

I would say it's a neck and neck race between you and Charlton for the coveted prize of England's most pointless fans.

Been there. Done that.

Just read a few pages back to the discussions with your fellow supporters. Who, I might add, appear to be higher up the evolutionary chain than you.

[James B]

No reply about your european ambitions then?

I would say it's a neck and neck race between us and Charlton for going down to the championship, where we belong.

fixed

[TANGODANCER]

Ahhhh Bolton
Where do I start?
That amusing little team who play in a soulless concrete jungle of a stadium where the local pub is errr Tesco (only alcohol is of course banned on match days)
So what of the fans?
Well at Upton Park you sit like little cardboard cut outs with as much animation as the maggot infested Queen Ma
At the Reebok, I've heard more noise at a Wimbledon (the tennis, not the extinct team you aspire to be)
Amusingly enough there was a tiny little squeak at The Reebok from a handful of pre pubescent spotty little cocks who in between covering their faces in Oxy 10 would occasionally try and sing.
The fact their voices hadn't yet broken was further more amusing.
I was actually watching your bunch of foreigners v Liverpool at Anfield last weekend
Now just how far is Anfield from your Northern c*nt hole of a cesspit?
30 miles that's how far.
Obviously too far when you can only manage to take a handful of your overweight pie eating lard arse soppy soulless cock-suckers to cheer on your foreign legion.
Is it because Bolton's football is so fecking dire to watch that you don;t bother turning up?
You have to hand it to fat "Gissa Bung " Sam
Only he could make a team's football as unattractive as himself.

Now sit down, shut up and go eat your fish suppers you dirty, stinking, whippet breeding flat capped, most pointless fans on the fecking planet soppy c**ting mugs

Spelling and grammar: 8/10. Content 1/10. Education obviously above Eastender level but wasted on a chav-style tirade of
typical "ammerism" (H, missed out purposely). But well done and you win a coconut. Next?

[Kronic]

No reply about your dire support then?

I would say it's a neck and neck race between you and Charlton for the coveted prize of England's most pointless fans.

Been there. Done that.

Just read a few pages back to the discussions with your fellow supporters. Who, I might add, appear to be higher up the evolutionary chain than you.

Oooohhhh hark at Magnus Magnusson
I bet you're the type who turns up at a game with a copy of The Daily Torygraph, wearing your "Let's Kick Racism Out of Football" t-shirt whilst pouring a cup of Earl Gray tea from your Pierre Cardin flask