Joke thread

[CrazyHorse]

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think I wished for a 12 inch BIC?".

[communistworkethic]

A cadbury's fudge and his mate, a Smartie, are having a drink in the pub. The Smartie says to his mate "Fancy coming to the club when we've done here?"

The Fudge replies, "nah I'm too soft, that bar is too rough for me"

"Nah, you'll be fine with me, I've got a tough shell", says his sugary friend

After a bit more perssuading off they go to the club.

They get their drinks and sit at a table. After about 30 minutes in come a group a mints and start causing trouble. The Fudge cowers in his seat as the mints come over. Looking round he notice his mate the Smartie has disappeared.

The mints get hold of the Fudge and give him a good kicking, leaving him in a battered heap on the floor. Looking round from his prone state he pots his mate hiding under the table.

"I thought you were tough, you were supposed to protect me!"







"Yeah I'm quite hard but those mints, they're menthol!"

[Montreal Wanderer]

My grandad told me that one in 1965.

Even back then, Texas buses didn't have conductors - I think it should have been a train joke.

Pedantic??

If we're being pedantic we should have had this discussion when the joke first appeared back on page 7 or whatever it was...

Well, I raised the same objection at the time - I simply wanted the joke to make sense to our North American members (how ever often it is retold).

[CrazyHorse]

One from the old jokes home...

While proudly showing off his new flat to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For feck's sake you wanker, it's 2am in the fecking morning!!"

[Gravedigger]

Quick one before I head off for the Med.

TYPICAL MAN

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a
Coma for Several months
Yet she had stayed by his bedside every single
Day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to
Come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes filling with
Tears. "You know What? You have been with me all through the bad
Times. When I got Fired, you comforted me.
When my business failed, You supported us Both.
When I got shot, you nursed me back to health.
When we lost The house, you endured living in a shabby rented
Flat.
Now my
Health has started failing and you are still right
By my side...
You know what?"
What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart
Began to fill
With warmth.

I think you're bad luck, why don't you feck
Off!"

[chris]

The Devil was always challanging St. Peter to a game of football, but St. Peter always refused. Then one day, several brilliant footballers came to heaven.
"Right" said St. Peter. "We can play that game now"
"You'll lose" replied the devil.
"Well I'm not that sure, you see we now have a number of top footballers in heaven"
"You'll still lose"
"Why?"
"Because, we have all the referees down here!"

[americantrotter]

The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One.

George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000.00 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very
happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied "I could throw ten $100.00 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10.00 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such
big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and
make 156 million people very happy.

[americantrotter]

Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You just had you-self a son! Ain't dat grand!"
Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you-self a daughter!
She a pretty lil ting, too."
Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!"
When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere Tree-in-One oil?"
His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"
Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-forty."

[blurred]

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

[Nozza]

The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One.

George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000.00 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very
happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied "I could throw ten $100.00 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10.00 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such
big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and
make 156 million people very happy.

[Bruce Rioja]

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young iraqi play
football and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to
Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes
left.
The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game
for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the
media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about
his
first day in English football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20
minutes
today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father
got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed gang
raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all
while
you
were having such great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to
Liverpool
in the first place!"

[Montreal Wanderer]

I found this amusing if probably untrue:

CADILLACS AND COMPUTERS

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would
have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[White Army]

A married couple are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary and decide to return to the same Bridal Suite they spent their honeymoon in.

The wife retires to the bathroom and says "wait there, while i slip into something more comfortable"
As she comes out of the bathroom she says to her husband "25 years ago when i walked out of this bathroom tell me exactly what you were thinking"

Husband replies " i thought i'm going to f*ck your brains out and suck your tits dry"

The wife giggles, blushes and says " and what are you thinking right now"

The bloke replies " i think i did a pretty good job"

[communistworkethic]

George Michael has been admitted to hospital with abar of chocolate stuck up his arse.


He's been careless with a Wispa.

[CrazyHorse]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all after noon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!" she said, "You've been playing golf!"

[Little Green Man]

The Reverend Ian Paisley's wife returns from a fruitful trip to the shops only to find her husband at the bedroom window throwing handfuls of dried petals into the street.

'Oh my God', she thinks, 'He's really lost it this time' and dashes upstairs to calm him down. On reaching the bedroom, she shouts 'Ian, for the love of God, what's the matter?' At which point the reverend turns to her and says:

'I've told you, woman, there'll be no pot-pourri in this house!'

[plodder]

The Reverend Ian Paisley's wife returns from a fruitful trip to the shops only to find her husband at the bedroom window throwing handfuls of dried petals into the street.

'Oh my God', she thinks, 'He's really lost it this time' and dashes upstairs to calm him down. On reaching the bedroom, she shouts 'Ian, for the love of God, what's the matter?' At which point the reverend turns to her and says:

'I've told you, woman, there'll be no pot-pourri in this house!'

[Little Green Man]

That's me best joke too!

Try it again with an Ulster accent, then if you're still struggling, look up the word popery.

[blurred]

Julius Caesar is addressing the Roman crowd. "Friends, Romans and
Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shite eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullshit, I'm off to
France to check this out."

Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"

The crowd are up on their feet."Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"

The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing-








........Away Gauls count double in Europe."

[White Army]

Julius Caesar is addressing the Roman crowd. "Friends, Romans and
Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shite eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullshit, I'm off to
France to check this out."

Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"

The crowd are up on their feet."Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"

The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing-








........Away Gauls count double in Europe."

Good 'un