Joke thread

[knobpolisher]

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.

[CrazyHorse]

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.

Oh dear...

[cowdrill]

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.

Oh dear...

eh?

[cowdrill]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flys landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.

The Scotsman scooped at his beer until he washed the fly out and then continued drinking.

The Irishman carefully picked the fly out of his drink, then held it out over the beer and started yelling "SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD! SPIT IT OUT!!!!"

[Idiot Wind]

Why should you never wear Eastern European underpants?






Chernobyl fallout.

[sluffy]

Some years ago a Sultan who had 6 children, all girls began to despair as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son and heir.

Just before his son's 6th birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said,"Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied "Daddy,I would like to have my own airplane." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways.

Just before his sons 7th birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son,you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get anything for you."

His son replied. "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything half way, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

Just before his sons 8th birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his faterh bought him Disney Studios and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite films.

Just before his sons 9th birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son who was by now realy into the Disney cartoons, replied. "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit." Not wanting to appear tight, his father bought him Blackburn Rovers Football Club.

[Gravedigger]

Some years ago a Sultan who had 6 children, all girls began to despair as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son and heir.

Just before his son's 6th birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said,"Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied "Daddy,I would like to have my own airplane." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways.

Just before his sons 7th birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son,you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get anything for you."

His son replied. "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything half way, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

Just before his sons 8th birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his faterh bought him Disney Studios and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite films.

Just before his sons 9th birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son who was by now realy into the Disney cartoons, replied. "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit." Not wanting to appear tight, his father bought him Blackburn Rovers Football Club.

So when does he get to his siter and learn to play the guitar?

[Bwfc in the bloodline]

How the hell did you all manage to hijack a bloody joke thread?

bwfc's statement was the best joke on here.

I was speaking mostly regarding 1 night stand, beleive me i have no trouble with girls. But to make it funnier for you, ive just started dating a religeous girl, so for me - NO sex before marraige.

[InsaneApache]

Lol, wait until you get married mate. that's when she'll give you a piece of her mind instead.

[communistworkethic]

How the hell did you all manage to hijack a bloody joke thread?

bwfc's statement was the best joke on here.

I was speaking mostly regarding 1 night stand, beleive me i have no trouble with girls. But to make it funnier for you, ive just started dating a religeous girl, so for me - NO sex before marraige.

just explain how religion is a load of crap, that should get her in the sack no problem.

[Verbal]

When I was a kid I had a quicksand box.

I was an only child.....eventually.

[Verbal]

I've had a pretty bad year so far. In January my pet turtle ran away. By April, he was gone.

[CrazyHorse]

Two fish in a tank.

One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

[Manny]

A newly married man gets in from a hard day at work to find a brand new LAY-Z-BOY armchair in front of the TV.

"I bought it for you so you can relax here and not have to go to the pub every night to wind down darling" says his wife.

"Thanks love but theres football on tonight and we don't have sky so I'll just pop down there for a couple of hours" he states

"Watch this" and his wife switches on a new SKY+ HD system onto sky sports1 "now you can watch the sport here"

"but I really enjoy the beer in frozen glasses while I'm watching the game" he replys

" I've already thought of that, I've bought some identical glasses. They are in the freezer right now"

"but...but....the pub gives you complimentry peanuts and crisps to nibble on while you drink"

his wife produces two bowls from the kitchen, one full of peanuts the other full of crisps......

"but........its.................but........you don't understand.......its the atmosphere.............theres lots of...........swearing....and...........shouting.........."






















"THEN SIT IN YOUR BIG BLOODY CHAIR, WATCH THE POXY FCUKING FOOTBALL, DRINK THE TWATTING BEER IN A SHITTY FROZEN GLASS AND FILL YOUR BIG LAZY FAT FACE FULL OF NUTS AND FCUKING CRISPS. YOUR MARRIED NOW AND YOU NOT GOING FCUKING ANYWHERE, GOT IT?

[cowdrill]

not really a joke but it makes me laugh:


ALBERT AND THE LION


There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool
That's noted for fresh air and fun
And Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.
A fine little lad were young Albert,
All dressed in his best, quite a swell.
He'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle;
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.
They didn't think much to the ocean,
The waves they were piddlin' and small.
There were no wrecks and nobody drownded,
'Fact, nothin' to laugh at at all!
So, seeking for further amusement,
They paid, and went into the zoo,
Where they'd lions and tigers and camels
And cold ale and sandwiches, too.
There were one great big lion called Wallace
Whose nose was all covered with scars;
He lay in a som-no-lent posture
With the side of 'is face on the bars.
Now Albert 'ad 'eard about lions-
'Ow they was ferocious and wild;
To see lion lyin' so peaceful
Just didn't seem right to the child.
So straightway the brave little feller,
Not showin' a morsel of fear,
Took 'is stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle
And stuck it in Wallace's ear.
You could see that the lion din't like it,
For givin' a kind of a roll,
'E pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im
And swallered the little lad - 'ole!
Now Mother 'ad seen this occurrence,
And not knowin' what to do next,
She 'ollered "Yon lion's et Albert!"
An' Father said "Ee, I am vexed."
They complained to an animal keeper
Who said "My, what a nasty mis'ap;
Are you sure it's your boy 'e's eaten?"
Pa said, "Am I sure? There's 'is cap!"
The manager 'ad to be sent for;
'E came and 'e said "what's to-do?"
Ma said "Yon lion's et Albert,
And 'im in 'is Sunday clothes, too!"
Father said "Right's right, young feller-
I think it's a shame and a sin
To 'ave our son et by a lion
And after we paid to come in."
The manager wanted no trouble;
He took out his purse right away,
Sayin' "'Ow much to settle the matter?"
Pa said "what do you usually pay?"
But Mother 'ad turned a bit awkward
When she saw where 'er Albert 'ad gone.
She said "No, someone's got to be summonsed!"
So that was decided upon.
And off they all went to p'lice station
In front of a Magistrate chap;
They told what 'ad 'appened to Albert
And proved it by showing 'is cap.
The Magistrate gave 'is opinion
That no one was really to blame,
And 'e said that 'e 'oped the Ramsbottoms
Would 'ave further sons to their name.
At that Mother got proper blazin':
"And thank you, sir, kindly," said she-
"what, spend all our lives raisin' children
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"

[Dujon]

I enjoyed that, Cowdrill.

We must add the sequel, though.


ALBERT'S RETURN (Marriott Edgar)


You've `eard `ow young Albert Ramsbottom
At the zoo up at Blackpool one year
With a stick with an `orse's `ead `andle
Gave a lion a poke in the ear?

The name of the lion was Wallace,
The poke in the ear made `im wild
And before you could say, "Bob's yer uncle!"
E'd upped and `e'd swallowed the child.

`E were sorry the moment `e done it;
With children `e'd always been chums,
And besides, `e'd no teeth in his muzzle,
And `e couldn't chew Albert on't gums.

`E could feel the lad movin' inside `im
As `e lay on `is bed of dried ferns;
And it might `ave been little lad's birthday-
'E wished `im such `appy returns.

But Albert kept kickin' and fightin'...
And Wallace got up, feelin' bad.
Decided 'twere time that `e started
To stage a comeback for the lad.

Then puttin' `ead down in one corner,
On `is front paws `e started to walk;
And `e coughed, and `e sneezed, and `e gargled
`Till Albert shot out... like a cork!

Now Wallace felt better directly
And `is figure once more became lean.
But the only difference with Albert
Was `is face and `is `ands were quite clean.

Meanwhile Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom
`Ad gone back to their tea, feelin' blue.
Ma said, "I feel down in the mouth, like.
" Pa said, "Aye, I bet Albert does, too."

Said Mother, "It just goes to show yer
That the future is never revealed;
If I'd thowt we was goin' to lose `im,
I'd `ave not `ad `is boots soled and `eeled."

"Let's look on the bright side," said Father,
"what can't be `elped must be endured;
Each cloud `as a silvery lining,
And we did `ave young Albert insured."

A knock on the door came that moment
As Father these kind words did speak.
`Twas the man from Prudential - `e'd come for
Their tuppence per person per week.

When Father saw `oo `ad been knockin',
`E laughed, and `e kept laughin` so -
The man said, "`Ere, what's there to laugh at?"
Pa said, "You'll laugh an' all when you know!"

"Excuse `im for laughing," said Mother,
"But really, things `appen so strange
Our Albert's been et by a lion;
You've got to pay us for a change!"

Said the young man from the Prudential,
"Now, come, come, let's understand this...
You don't mean to say that you've lost `im?"
Pa said, "Oh, no, we know where `e is!"

When the young man `ad `eard all the details,
A purse from `is pocket he drew
And `e paid them with interest and bonus
The sum of nine pounds, four and two.

Pa `ad scarce got `is `and on the money
When a face at the window they see
And Mother cried, "Eee, look, it's Albert!"
And Father said, "Aye, it would be."

Albert came in all excited,
And started `is story to give;
And Pa said, "I'll never trust lions
Again, not as long as I live."

The young man from the Prudential
To pick up the money began
But Father said, "`ere, wait a moment,
Don't be in a `urry, young man."

Then giving young Albert a shilling,
`E said, "`Ere, pop off back to the zoo;
Get your stick with the `orse's `ead `andle...
Go and see what the tigers can do!"

[Montreal Wanderer]

Not to mention the Jubilee Sovereign


On Jubilee Day the Ramsbottoms
Invited relations to tea,
Including young Albert's grandmother-
An awkward old . . party, was she.

She'd seen Queen Victoria's accession
And `er wedding to Albert (the Good)
But she got quite upset when young Albert
Asked `er `ow she'd got on in the Flood.

She cast quite a damper on't party,
But she warmed up a bit after tea,
And gave Albert a real golden sovereign
She'd been saving since last Jubilee.

It `ad picture of Queen on't one side
And a dragon fight on the reverse,
And it smelled of camphor and cobwebs
Through being so long in `er purse.

Albert `andled the coin, and `e kissed it
And `e felt the rough edge with `is tongue;
For `e knew by the look of `is father
That it wouldn't be `is very long.

"Shall I get you your money-box, Albert?"
Said Mother so coaxing and sweet,
And Albert let drop an expression
He must have picked up in the street.

"I`ll show you a trick wi' that sovereign,"
Said Pa, `oo were `overin' near-
And `e took and pretended to eat it,
Then brought it back out of `is ear.

This magic filled Albert with wonder,
And before you could say "Uncle Dick",
`E'd got the coin back from `is father
And performed the first part of the trick.

When they all saw where the money `ad gone
With excitement the relatives burned;
And each one suggested some process
For getting the money returned.

Some were for fishing with tweezers,
While some were for shaking it out;
"If we only got back a few shillings,"
They said "`twould be better than nowt."

They tried `olding Albert `ead downward
And giving `is shoulders a clump-
`Till his uncle, `oo worked for a chemist
Said "There's nowt for it but stomach pump."

Well, they `adn't a stomach pump `andy,
But Pa did the best that `e could
With a bicycle pump that they borrowed
But that weren't nearly so good.

So off they went to the doctor
`Oo looked down `is throat with a glass;
`E said "This'll mean operation-
I fear that `e'll `ave to `ave gas."

"`Ow much is this `ere goin' to cost me?"
Said Father, beginning to squirm.
"I'm afraid that it comes out expensive-
The best gas is eight pence a therm.

There's my time, six shillings an hour;
You can't do these things in two ticks-
By rights I should charge you a guinea,
But I'll do it for eighteen and six."

"what, eighteen and six to get sovereign?"
Said Father, "That doesn't sound sense
I'll tell you, you'd best keep young Albert
And give us the odd eighteen pence!"

The doctor concurred this arrangement,
But to this day he stands in some doubt
As to whether he's in eighteen shillings
Or whether he's eighteen pence out.

[Gravedigger]

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get old Rover a bone
But when she got there
Rover turned over
And gave her a bone of his own.

[TANGODANCER]

Not a nice topic but, being human I had to laugh when told this:

43 people have been found glued to the walls and ceiling of a Dublin train station. The Irish police believe that this is the first case of a "no-more-nails" bomb being set off.

[General Mannerheim]

a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total' says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.' POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan,Israel,Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state.'

POOOFF!

Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie Engineer says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Aussie Engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, 'Fill it with fecking water'.........