Joke thread

[Dujon]

What? The sinful and unfeeling felons. Did they really nick the manger? Do you have any Scouse grandchildren?

[TANGODANCER]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to "God" with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds.By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent anonymously to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady addressed to "God". All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was £4 missing.I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna.

[InsaneApache]

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.
We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.
Best wishes, Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

[BWFC_Wyles]

love that one TD! Brilliant

[BWFC_Wyles]

Insane Apache, kudos on that one too. Class

[TANGODANCER]

There's enough Irish in me to see the humour in this:

Paddy: Christmas is on Friday this year.

Mick: Hope it's not the thirteenth.

[Lofthouse Lower]

There's no Irish in me, and I thought it was crap!

[Il Pirate]

There's enough Irish in me to see the humour in this:

Paddy: Christmas is on Friday this year.

Mick: Hope it's not the thirteenth.

[Lofthouse Lower]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to "God" with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds.By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent anonymously to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady addressed to "God". All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was £4 missing.I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna.

[Gravedigger]

Another one of those lists that pop up with the rejoinder that these were actually done. This lot notations by secretaries from Glasgow Infirmary, allegedly.

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

[Wandering Willy]

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized

Bobo's going to love this.

[William the White]

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized

Bobo's going to love this.

Be nice to find him in a good mood...

[Wandering Willy]

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized

Bobo's going to love this.

Be nice to find him in a good mood...

[Gary the Enfield]

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.


How long were the surgical gloves for THAT examination?

[Eire_Trotter]

There's enough Irish in me to see the humour in this:

Paddy: Christmas is on Friday this year.

Mick: Hope it's not the thirteenth.

[thebish]

[Montreal Wanderer]

1981 & 2005
Two Interesting Years


Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.



Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.



Lesson to be learned:

The next time Charles gets married,
someone should warn the Pope.

[thebish]

1981 & 2005
Two Interesting Years


Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.

let me stop you just there..

Liverpool crowned WHAT?????

[Lofthouse Lower]

1981 & 2005
Two Interesting Years


Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.



Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.



Lesson to be learned:

The next time Charles gets married,
someone should warn the Pope.

I prefer the Ken Barlow version

[Montreal Wanderer]

1981 & 2005
Two Interesting Years


Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.

let me stop you just there..

Liverpool crowned WHAT?????

Er... American source.