Joke thread

[boltonboris]

Two guys sat together in a pub when one turns to the other and says, "I f****d your mum last night. We did everything. I f****d her doggy, missionary and reverse cowgirl, then I licked her b**hole while she fingered mine, then she gave me a tit w**k whilst sucking my c**k and I s***ked all over her face."

The other guy puts down his pint and says, "Lets go home Dad, I think you've had enough."

Funny? Puerile? Worth posting?

It's a joke Willy. And humour is subjective. Funny? More amusing. Puerile? Definitely. Worth posting? In a joke thread, yes.

It made me smirk.

Me too!

[Bruce Rioja]

“I fully expected that when Owen did move from here – he was an ambitious manager and we accepted that might happen – that he would go upwards from Burnley and not to someone who is sideways". - Barry Kilby.

[thebish]

“I fully expected that when Owen did move from here – he was an ambitious manager and we accepted that might happen – that he would go upwards from Burnley and not to someone who is sideways". - Barry Kilby.

joke of the year!

[General Mannerheim]

The male lead in the pantomime got bum raped live on stage last night.

In fairness, the audience did try to warn him!

[Gravedigger]

The male lead in the pantomime got bum raped live on stage last night.

In fairness, the audience did try to warn him!

Oh, no they didn't!

[General Mannerheim]

Don't forget to take your children to midnight mass.It's Christmas for priests too, remember.

[Prufrock]

I got fired as my job as a clown yesterday. The boss said my balloon animal making skills weren't up to scratch.

Well feck him, the kids loved their eels.

[seanworth]

Don't forget to take your children to midnight mass.It's Christmas for priests too, remember.

[thebish]

A man rings up the Lib Dems for a copy of their manifesto.

"We've sold out," comes the reply.

"Yes, I know that," the man says. "I just want a manifesto.

[Bruce Rioja]

A man rings up the Lib Dems for a copy of their manifesto.

"We've sold out," comes the reply.

"Yes, I know that," the man says. "I just want a manifesto.

Not a joke, but this reminds me of an interview with Miles Hunt of The Wonderstuff, I read some years ago in Q Magazine.

At the time the band had started to move away from being an angst-ridden, post-punk indie guitar band, had introduced a fiddle player and had start to trouble the hit parade with such catchy ditties as Golden Green, Size of a Cow etc.

On being quizzed by the interviewer re: having 'sold out', Hunt's reply was "Sold out? I think you'll find I've bought in".

[Dujon]

Strauss won the toss and said to Ponting "You'll bat"

Ponting replied "No, we can't, we really can't"

Sorry, it's a borrowed though chucklable.

[jaffka]

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow slightly larger every day over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”

The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

[CrazyHorse]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

[Prufrock]

This one nearly killed me. magnificently shit:


BBC NEWS: French Chef commits suicide after critics attack.

After further investigation, it turns out he simply lost the huile d'olive.

[CrazyHorse]

It was late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

[thebish]

Commenting on his departure from Liverpool, Roy Hodgson said, "I'm very sad not to have been able to put my stamp on the squad.".....Don't be so hard on yourself, Roy. You certainly made the team look second class......

[CrazyHorse]

A Vicar books into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No" she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard"

[seanworth]

[BWFC_Wyles]

My Grandad said to me, "It's going to be a nightmare with the flu outbreak this winter!"
I said, "Yeah tell me something I don't know!"
He replied, "......your Grandma's arse can take my whole fist!"

[seanworth]

I shouldn't laugh at that but can't help it.