Joke thread

[Always hopeful]

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

[General Mannerheim]

Went to a fancy dress party as a loaf of bread, fkin birds were all over me!

[Prufrock]

Saw this on a joke website:

"Benedict Cumberbatch:

The first actor in history to play Sherlock Holmes who has a name more ridiculous than Sherlock Holmes."

F*cking kids of today, they know nowt. Basil fecking Rathbone!

[Gary the Enfield]

Saw this on a joke website:

"Benedict Cumberbatch:

The first actor in history to play Sherlock Holmes who has a name more ridiculous than Sherlock Holmes."

F*cking kids of today, they know nowt. Basil fecking Rathbone!

Not even close, sunshine. Observe.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Algimantas_Masiulis" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Montreal Wanderer]

Saw this on a joke website:

"Benedict Cumberbatch:

The first actor in history to play Sherlock Holmes who has a name more ridiculous than Sherlock Holmes."

F*cking kids of today, they know nowt. Basil fecking Rathbone!

Not even close, sunshine. Observe.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Algimantas_Masiulis" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Granted he has had an unusual name, but where exactly in the link does it say our Lithuanian friend played Sherlock Holmes.

[Gary the Enfield]

Saw this on a joke website:

"Benedict Cumberbatch:

The first actor in history to play Sherlock Holmes who has a name more ridiculous than Sherlock Holmes."

F*cking kids of today, they know nowt. Basil fecking Rathbone!

Not even close, sunshine. Observe.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Algimantas_Masiulis" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Granted he has had an unusual name, but where exactly in the link does it say our Lithuanian friend played Sherlock Holmes.

He appeared in a 1979 Belarusfilm version of The Blue Carbuncle.

William the White's (probably) seen it.

[thebish]

[Verbal]

Two friends talking in the pub.

First one: "Had some terrible news last night."
Second one: "What's up?"
"An old friend of mine died."
"Oh no, that's terrible, I'm so sorry."
"Yeah, the big C."
"Cancer?"
"No, he drowned."

[malcd1]

Two friends talking in the pub.

First one: "Had some terrible news last night."
Second one: "What's up?"
"An old friend of mine died."
"Oh no, that's terrible, I'm so sorry."
"Yeah, the big C."
"Cancer?"
"No, he drowned."

That joke is better when you say it out loud rather than read it. It took me a few seconds for the penny to drop.

[Montreal Wanderer]

Saw this on a joke website:

"Benedict Cumberbatch:

The first actor in history to play Sherlock Holmes who has a name more ridiculous than Sherlock Holmes."

F*cking kids of today, they know nowt. Basil fecking Rathbone!

Not even close, sunshine. Observe.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Algimantas_Masiulis" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Granted he has had an unusual name, but where exactly in the link does it say our Lithuanian friend played Sherlock Holmes.

He appeared in a 1979 Belarusfilm version of The Blue Carbuncle.

William the White's (probably) seen it.

It turns out you are correct - this might have been a better Wiki link
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_ac ... ock_Holmes" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[jaffka]

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.

[Annoyed Grunt]

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.

Pulling Christmas crackers early, I see.

[boltonboris]

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron

[Wandering Willy]

Jason'll not like that.

[boltonboris]

He's not blind... He'll be reet

[Lost Leopard Spot]

Our records indicate that you were once felt up by Jimmy Savile and could be entitled to £2147 in compensation,. Just reply "hows about that then" to register. Register before the end of the month and get a free Lawyers 4 U fixed it for me medal.

[Always hopeful]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man . . . and then my dog bit me."

"So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole thing!.... But, enough about me, how are you doing?"

[boltonboris]

Don't know why Jimmy Saville is getting so much stick..

He fixed it for me to milk a cow blind folded at his studio

[Verbal]

Don't know why Jimmy Saville is getting so much stick..

He fixed it for me to milk a cow blind folded at his studio

viewtopic.php?p=777673#p777673" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[boltonboris]

I called my boss this morning and said "I'm not coming into work today"

"Why not" he asked.

I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform"

"THAT'S NO EXCUSE!!" he yelled

I said "I know, but you try telling her that!"