Joke thread

[boltonboris]

At the age of 40, my life is in ruins! I had a great job and a loving family, but I have ruined it all by having sex behind my Wifes back.

We had a messy divorce that went through the courts and the judge actually said "How do you justify having sex whilst in wedlock and with somebody half your age"

I was actually flattered that the Judge thought I was only 22!

[Il Pirate]

At the age of 40, my life is in ruins! I had a great job and a loving family, but I have ruined it all by having sex behind my Wifes back.

We had a messy divorce that went through the courts and the judge actually said "How do you justify having sex whilst in wedlock and with somebody half your age"

I was actually flattered that the Judge thought I was only 22!

That is so wrong

[KeeeeeeeBaaaaaaab]

A 60ft tall statue has been built near Newcastle of a couple having bum sex. It's called The Anal Of The North

[Lofthouse Lower]

What do Sam Allardyce and Ashley Peacock have in common?

Neither are going to the Rovers' Christmas doo

[Gary the Enfield]

A young man named Mark received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.
Mark tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, Mark was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. Mark shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more
rude.
In desperation, Mark threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Mark quickly opened the door to the
freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mark's outstretched arms and said
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."

Mark was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change
in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?”

[seanworth]

Very good. Quite like that.

[TANGODANCER]

Not a joke as such, but it made me laugh: Was listening to a youtube version of "Mars the Bringer of War" and one of the viewer comments was : Why have I got this sudden urge to invade Poland?"

[Always hopeful]

She just wouldn't believe I wasn't a sexist. Typical woman.

[jaffka]

The wife is really p*ssed off at me.

All because I did not open the car door for her.

I was panicking and just swam to the surface.

[TANGODANCER]

Again, not jokes but not worth starting a new thread about:

Tonight's Weakest Link. A team of "Golden Oldies.

AR: "Which band did singer Robbie Williams re-join recently?"
Answer: "Wham".

AR: "What Christian name did fictional characters Pugwash and Hornblower, and in real life, Admiral Nelson, share?"
Answer: "Captain".

And best of all to one old dear: AR: "Why are you voting Peter off?"
Answer:" He was the weakest link."
AR: "Look him in the eye then (woman peers around) He's not there because you voted him off last round."

Why on earth should I worry about growing old:

[jaffka]

Two guys sat together in a pub when one turns to the other and says, "I f****d your mum last night. We did everything. I f****d her doggy, missionary and reverse cowgirl, then I licked her b**hole while she fingered mine, then she gave me a tit w**k whilst sucking my c**k and I s***ked all over her face."

The other guy puts down his pint and says, "Lets go home Dad, I think you've had enough."

[William the White]

Two guys sat together in a pub when one turns to the other and says, "I f****d your mum last night. We did everything. I f****d her doggy, missionary and reverse cowgirl, then I licked her b**hole while she fingered mine, then she gave me a tit w**k whilst sucking my c**k and I s***ked all over her face."

The other guy puts down his pint and says, "Lets go home Dad, I think you've had enough."

Funny? Puerile? Worth posting?

[jaffka]

Made me laugh when I read it and will probably make others laugh when they read it.

Why dont you post a joke?

[Gravedigger]

Oh, yes! The old ones are the best ones.

[General Mannerheim]

My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together!

............. Which is a shame, because I really fancy him!

[General Mannerheim]

Made me laugh when I read it and will probably make others laugh when they read it.

Why dont you post a joke?

Yeah, lets have one about the foul mouthed pianist! its been a while.

[Gary the Enfield]

Two guys sat together in a pub when one turns to the other and says, "I f****d your mum last night. We did everything. I f****d her doggy, missionary and reverse cowgirl, then I licked her b**hole while she fingered mine, then she gave me a tit w**k whilst sucking my c**k and I s***ked all over her face."

The other guy puts down his pint and says, "Lets go home Dad, I think you've had enough."

Funny? Puerile? Worth posting?

It's a joke Willy. And humour is subjective. Funny? More amusing. Puerile? Definitely. Worth posting? In a joke thread, yes.

It made me smirk.

[thebish]

Qn: why did Nick Clegg cross the road?
A: because he promised not to.

[Zulus Thousand of em]

That was Tony Blair, shurely?

[Gary the Enfield]

We could just say any politician of the last 20 years, frankly.