Joke thread

[Annoyed Grunt]

^^

[thebish]

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2013/11/21/sor ... y-posties/

[boltonboris]

The first one with the chicken..

The reason "It's too large" was ticked.. Brilliant

[thebish]

[clapton is god]

On their way to their wedding a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.
They found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder: Could they still get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter finally showed up they ask him.
St. Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go and find out", and he left them at the gates.
The couple waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat frazzled.
"Yes" he informed the couple, "you can get married in heaven".
"Great!" said the couple, "but we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
"Jezzz Christ!" said St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"Oh come on!" shouted St. Peter, it took me three months to find a Catholic priest up here.
Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

[davroduk]

I once went on a date with a girl who didnt swallow.

Feckin soup everywhere !!!!

[bwfcdan94]

. Those last two were both great.

[Annoyed Grunt]

I once went on a date with a girl who didnt swallow.

Feckin soup everywhere !!!!

[Always hopeful]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 notes.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well.., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,
"What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn’t make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says,
"Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[bobo the clown]

^^^^ laughed out loud.

[LeverEnd]

[Montreal Wanderer]

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
Afghanistan Desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks their Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant
said,
'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no
women, and sir, sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.'
The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about
urges, so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges.. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
No, not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where the
girls are ..!"

[TANGODANCER]

Bloke replies to a situations vacant at a zoo. No job description is give so when he has an interview the zoo guy tell him there's only one job available. He explains the gorilla has died and will be sadly missed. Until they can get another he wants the candidate to wear a gorrilla outfit and just keep the kids amused. The guy agrees to give it a try. In the next cage is a lion, and sitting on a branch in the corner, a massive vulture.

The bloke dons the outfit, eats a couple of bananas and does a few roll about and jumps around to keep the crowd happy. Suddenly, he notices the guy feeding the lion and vulture has gone off and left the adjacent cage door open onto his cell. Seeing the lion stroll over to the door, he panicks and jumps screaming up onto a tree. He starts shouting for help at the top of his voice. The vulture looks down at the lion and says...

"Tell the silly fxcker to shut up quick will you, before he gets us all sacked!"

[davroduk]

Yesterday I decided to surprise the woman who delivers my post, so I stood there naked and stuck my cock through the letterbox.

I dont know which shocked her more........

My cock through the letterbox, or the fact that I know where she lives.

[thebish]

map of any IKEA store for those that might need one this christmas..

[thebish]

[Prufrock]

Show me a man who calls himself a vegan, and I'll show you a man who's trying to shag a vegan.

[bobo the clown]

Show me a man who calls himself a vegan, and I'll show you a man who's trying to shag a vegan.

So utterly true.

.... &, you know, they never have to wonder "spit or swallow?"

[Enoch]

I've just been on a diabetes awareness website, it asked me if I accepted cookies........

[Annoyed Grunt]

I've just been on a diabetes awareness website, it asked me if I accepted cookies........

Like these? http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/like/11123215 ... 80&ff14=83" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;