Joke thread

blurred · Post by **blurred** » Mon Apr 28, 2008 3:30 pm

superjohnmcginlay wrote:Just went to get my dinner out of the oven and its gone, simply vanished.

Thats the last time I buy McCann oven chips.

What's the upside of an expensive spring break in the Algarve?

A cheaper christmas.

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Mon Apr 28, 2008 3:38 pm

Bloke to girl in bar: "Shall we go back to my place and play magic?"

Girl: "What's magic?"

Bloke: "We have a couple of drinks, something to eat and then we have a good shxg ......and then you dissapear."

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Mon Apr 28, 2008 3:49 pm

One from the women:

Couple in their sixties find a fairy at the bottom of their garden. She offers to grant them one wish each.

"I'd like to go on a cruise with my husband" says the wife, and immediately two tickets appear in her hand for an ocean-going cruise for a month.

"Sorry love", says the husband, "but I wan't a wife thirty years younger than me" So the fairy turns him into a 93 year old.

The moral is: Men, who are ungrateful bastards, should remember fairies are fxxking females.

communistworkethic · Post by **communistworkethic** » Mon Apr 28, 2008 5:26 pm

blurred wrote:
superjohnmcginlay wrote:Just went to get my dinner out of the oven and its gone, simply vanished.

Thats the last time I buy McCann oven chips.
What's the upside of an expensive spring bread in the Algarve?

A cheaper christmas.

Is that like a Warburton's Toastie bought in May as opposed to a Lidl own-brand thick-sliced loaf bought in September?

blurred · Post by **blurred** » Mon Apr 28, 2008 5:44 pm

Why the feck have I written bread? Must have food on the brain, and all that talk of chips; I'm starving!

Soldier_Of_The_White_Army · Post by **Soldier_Of_The_White_Army** » Fri May 02, 2008 6:12 pm

Not meant to be racist in any way, just thought it was very funny:

An English man and Paddy are out in the woods hunting when the English man collapses.

He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. Paddy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: “My friend is dead I tink! What can I do for fecks sake?”

The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

“Okay, to be sure, right you are!” says Paddy.

There is a brief silence, then a gunshot is heard.

Back on the phone, Paddy says: “OK, now what do I do?”

communistworkethic · Post by **communistworkethic** » Sat May 03, 2008 7:03 am

jeez sotwa, that's older than tango

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Sat May 03, 2008 1:47 pm

communistworkethic wrote:jeez sotwa, that's older than tango

No, not quite. I remember it starting the rounds about the time of the Queen's coronation.

bobby5 · Post by **bobby5** » Sat May 03, 2008 2:59 pm

Sir Alex Ferguson is hoping to bring in two new faces this summer. Carlos Tevez said he'll have one and Gary Neville said he'd have the other.

Worthy4England · Post by **Worthy4England** » Sat May 03, 2008 3:00 pm

bobby5 wrote:Sir Alex Ferguson is hoping to bring in two new faces this summer. Carlos Tevez said he'll have one and Gary Neville said he'd have the other.

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Tue May 06, 2008 11:04 pm

why are smear tests called smear tests?

women wouldnt have them if they were called c*nt scrapes!

General Mannerheim · Post by **General Mannerheim** » Wed May 07, 2008 10:12 am

[/list]

blurred · Post by **blurred** » Wed May 07, 2008 10:33 am

Stag do in Austria - lock up your daughters!

Verbal · Post by **Verbal** » Wed May 07, 2008 11:56 am

What has two legs and bleeds?

....

....

Half a dog.

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Wed May 07, 2008 2:13 pm

why is going down on your sister and drinking non alcohol beer the same?

it tastes the same but there's something not quite right

enfieldwhite · Post by **enfieldwhite** » Wed May 07, 2008 2:49 pm

Prufrock wrote:why is going down on your sister and drinking non alcohol beer the same?

it tastes the same but there's something not quite right

And you know it tastes the same because......?

Worthy4England · Post by **Worthy4England** » Wed May 07, 2008 2:58 pm

enfieldwhite wrote:
Prufrock wrote:why is going down on your sister and drinking non alcohol beer the same?

it tastes the same but there's something not quite right
And you know it tastes the same because......?

Dad told him

enfieldwhite · Post by **enfieldwhite** » Wed May 07, 2008 2:59 pm

Worthy4England wrote:
enfieldwhite wrote:
Prufrock wrote:why is going down on your sister and drinking non alcohol beer the same?

it tastes the same but there's something not quite right
And you know it tastes the same because......?
Dad told him

Shouldn't this be in the 'eating out' thread?

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Wed May 07, 2008 3:22 pm

enfieldwhite wrote:
Sounds more like eating in.

it tastes the same but there's something not quite right

And you know it tastes the same because......?

[/quote]

Dad told him

[/quote]

Shouldn't this be in the 'eating out' thread?[/quote]

jimbo · Post by **jimbo** » Wed May 07, 2008 10:01 pm

General Mannerheim wrote:[/list]

They didn't find Helgusson, Braaten, Vaz Te and Alonso down there did they?

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