Joke thread

InsaneApache · Post by **InsaneApache** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 4:37 pm

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ***, and it won't hurt as much."

CrazyHorse · Post by **CrazyHorse** » Thu Apr 06, 2006 1:19 pm

Julius Caesar is addressing the Roman crowd. "Friends Romans and
Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to
conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill
many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees,
hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk
some shite eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France
and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and
Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I
promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his
bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out."
Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes
back to Rome.
Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we
are going to sort those b*stards out"
The crowd are up on their
feet."Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees,
hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You
told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there
to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar
gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and
says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing-

........Away Gauls count double in Europe."

superjohnmcginlay · Post by **superjohnmcginlay** » Thu Apr 06, 2006 1:31 pm

blurred wrote:Julius Caesar is addressing the Roman crowd. "Friends, Romans and
Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shite eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullshit, I'm off to
France to check this out."

Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"

The crowd are up on their feet."Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"

The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing-

........Away Gauls count double in Europe."

Keep up CH

CrazyHorse · Post by **CrazyHorse** » Thu Apr 06, 2006 1:33 pm

superjohnmcginlay wrote:Keep up CH

lol! Don't you just hate it when that happens.

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Thu Apr 06, 2006 2:10 pm

CrazyHorse wrote:
superjohnmcginlay wrote:Keep up CH

lol! Don't you just hate it when that happens.

Not when it happens to you!

Nozza · Post by **Nozza** » Thu Apr 06, 2006 2:15 pm

Sunderland in the Premiership.

CrazyHorse · Post by **CrazyHorse** » Thu Apr 06, 2006 2:37 pm

Julius Caesar is addressing the Roman crowd. "Friends Romans and
Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to
conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill
many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees,
hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk
some shite eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France
and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and
Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I
promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his
bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out."
Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes
back to Rome.
Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we
are going to sort those b*stards out"
The crowd are up on their
feet."Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees,
hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You
told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there
to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar
gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and
says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing-

........Away Gauls count double in Europe."

blurred · Post by **blurred** » Thu Apr 06, 2006 3:08 pm

Good one that, CH. Not heard that one before!

Little Green Man · Post by **Little Green Man** » Thu Apr 06, 2006 5:53 pm

One day a librarian is shocked to see a chicken standing at the counter with three novels tucked under its wing. She's even more surprised to hear the chicken say 'book, book, book'. What the hell, she thinks, I'll stamp them anyway but I don't suppose I'll see them again. However, the next day the chicken is back to return the books and, lo and behold, it gets another three novels out, saying 'book, book, book' when it presents them for stamping.

The same thing happens the next day and the day after that, at which point the librarian is becoming very curious. There's no way a chicken could have read those three books in less than 24 hours, she thinks, so she decides to follow the chicken.

Eventually, she sees the chicken going into a small house, so she creeps up to the window and hears the chicken saying 'book book, book' whereupon she spots the chicken giving the three novels to a frog. The frog then looks at all three books and says 'read it, read it, read it'

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Fri Apr 07, 2006 3:32 pm

For those who cat tolerate puns...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly
and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you
haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might
just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room,

and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador
Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood

on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table
and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a
few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the
table and also sniffed delicately at the
bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled
out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but
as I said,this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead
duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal,
hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to
the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the
bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my
duck is dead!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word
for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab
Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Batman · Post by **Batman** » Fri Apr 07, 2006 3:36 pm

cat puns eh

come on Monty!!!

ashclayton · Post by **ashclayton** » Fri Apr 07, 2006 3:37 pm

weh hey monty class act as usual.

communistworkethic · Post by **communistworkethic** » Fri Apr 07, 2006 3:45 pm

almost as old as monty himself!

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Fri Apr 07, 2006 3:57 pm

Batman wrote:cat puns eh

come on Monty!!!

Just a Freudian typo, Batty - I meant "can tolerate".

Batman · Post by **Batman** » Fri Apr 07, 2006 4:05 pm

if the 't' and the 'n' keys were closer together I could forgive...........alas they aren't!

americantrotter · Post by **americantrotter** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 4:05 pm

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his
privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at Johns Hopkins Hospital.

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 9:54 pm

This one, entitled Aussie immigration, is for Dujon and faninoz

Dujon · Post by **Dujon** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 11:56 pm

Ah, well. At least they remembered Tasmania.

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 3:34 am

Dujon wrote:Ah, well. At least they remembered Tasmania.

BTW, I didn't think it represented a general sentiment.

white blood · Post by **white blood** » Wed Apr 26, 2006 2:04 pm

A bloke on his way home from work comes to a dead halt in traffic and thinks to himself, wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks: "Officer what's the hold up?"

The officer replies: "It's a Man Utd fan, he's just so depressed about losing the premiership to Chelsea, being knocked out of Europe and the prospect of winning feck all again after gobbing off all season, he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, his mates are all laughing at him and he has never had a job. I'm walking around taking a collection for him."

"Oh really?" says the bloke "How much have you collected so far?".

"Only about 1/2 a litre, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

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