Joke thread
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CrazyHorse
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Electric Gretar
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TANGODANCER
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Stunning looking woman walks into doctor's surgery. He takes one look and tells her to go get undressed as he needs to examine her. She does.
He walks behind the screen and she's lying naked on the couch. He gets a bit carried away and strokes her thigh. She just smiles. Encouraged he say:
Do you know what I'm doing?
"Oh yes, you're examining my skin for any disorders or lumps"
He touches her breasts then begins to stroke them.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Oh yes, you're checking for breast cancer" she says smilingly.
Doctor loses control and climbs on top of her. He enters her and starts ramming away. He looks down and gasps,
"Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Oh yes, you're catching Herpes. That's why I came in the first place." She replied, still smiling.
He walks behind the screen and she's lying naked on the couch. He gets a bit carried away and strokes her thigh. She just smiles. Encouraged he say:
Do you know what I'm doing?
"Oh yes, you're examining my skin for any disorders or lumps"
He touches her breasts then begins to stroke them.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Oh yes, you're checking for breast cancer" she says smilingly.
Doctor loses control and climbs on top of her. He enters her and starts ramming away. He looks down and gasps,
"Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Oh yes, you're catching Herpes. That's why I came in the first place." She replied, still smiling.
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
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Montreal Wanderer
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- Location: Montreal, Canada
A bit old, but:
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even
though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even
though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
Little Johnny’s mother is taking a bath, having recently been discharged from hospital where she had all of her pubic hair removed.
Johnny comes into the bathroom as she’s drying off, and asks her what happened to the hair.
‘I’ve lost my sponge,’ she says, and sends Johnny out to play.
A few moments later, Johnny reappears and tells his mother he thinks he’s found her sponge.
‘Oh, really,’ his mum asks. ‘Where is it?’
Johnny answers, ‘The lady next door is washing daddy’s face with it.’
Johnny comes into the bathroom as she’s drying off, and asks her what happened to the hair.
‘I’ve lost my sponge,’ she says, and sends Johnny out to play.
A few moments later, Johnny reappears and tells his mother he thinks he’s found her sponge.
‘Oh, really,’ his mum asks. ‘Where is it?’
Johnny answers, ‘The lady next door is washing daddy’s face with it.’
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TANGODANCER
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Worthy4England
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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun,
Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub,he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace, and then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy, and it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old *******" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
Oldun is offline Report Post Reply With Quote
Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub,he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace, and then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy, and it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old *******" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
Oldun is offline Report Post Reply With Quote
"Don't like modern bands. Topman music, innit?"
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Worthy4England
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Montreal Wanderer
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- Location: Montreal, Canada
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here"
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball"
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$25."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here
Man: "Yes, it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
Remembering the last time, he asks, "How much?"
Boy: "$75"
Man: "Fine"
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
Father: "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$100"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The Priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
The little boy says, "Dark in here"
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball"
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$25."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here
Man: "Yes, it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
Remembering the last time, he asks, "How much?"
Boy: "$75"
Man: "Fine"
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
Father: "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$100"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The Priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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Montreal Wanderer
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- Joined: Thu May 26, 2005 12:45 am
- Location: Montreal, Canada
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
‘Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally
allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'
He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
‘Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally
allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'
He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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jordAn.WS22
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The-Wanderer
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TANGODANCER
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Bruce Rioja
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The-Wanderer
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TANGODANCER
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boltonboris
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InsaneApache
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- Location: Up, around the bend...
In 1988, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North western University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, looked to see if any guards were around and then climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Why did the elephant do this?
It wasn't the same elephant.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, looked to see if any guards were around and then climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Why did the elephant do this?
It wasn't the same elephant.
Here I stand foot in hand...talkin to my wall....I'm not quite right at all...am I?
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boltonboris
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