Joke thread

William the White · Post by **William the White** » Thu Jun 11, 2009 4:58 pm

enfieldwhite wrote:
Montreal Wanderer wrote:Dr. Kornmehl was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

** joke etc **

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Kornmehl fart?"
I didn't find this funny until I read it back and found he hadn't FAINTED!

The earliest version of this that I've come across is in Arabian nights - and the fart happens at a wedding feast in Yemen. Dated round about 14th century. but as tango frequently affirms, the old ones are the best.

I used it in a dramatisation of arabian nights that was produced in 2002, and ended the first half with a laugh...

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Thu Jun 11, 2009 5:24 pm

I hadn't realized you had studied the history of the fart as a literary device quite so closely, WtW. I'm impressed by your flatulent scholarship....

William the White · Post by **William the White** » Fri Jun 12, 2009 12:43 am

Montreal Wanderer wrote:I hadn't realized you had studied the history of the fart as a literary device quite so closely, WtW. I'm impressed by your flatulent scholarship....

Well, Monty, you know of my interest in history... So of course...

I think the old fart is a treasure to be cherished...

Not that I have a vested interest or owt...

Hoboh · Post by **Hoboh** » Fri Jun 12, 2009 1:19 pm

William the White wrote:
enfieldwhite wrote: I didn't find this funny until I read it back and found he hadn't FAINTED!
The earliest version of this that I've come across is in Arabian nights - and the fart happens at a wedding feast in Yemen. Dated round about 14th century. but as tango frequently affirms, the old ones are the best.

I used it in a dramatisation of arabian nights that was produced in 2002, and ended the first half with a laugh...

Did they really do baked beans that long ago, wow this place is a haven for knowledge.

eddybwfc · Post by **eddybwfc** » Thu Jun 18, 2009 6:38 pm

whats in common with a slinky and a chav??

they both have no use, but it is funny to see them fall down a flight of steps.

___________________

two chavs in a car. no music, whos driving??

the police

seanworth · Post by **seanworth** » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:50 am

Not a joke but a funny but not too smart a way to avoid jury duty.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/ye ... l?link=eaf

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Fri Jun 19, 2009 12:58 pm

seanworth wrote:Not a joke but a funny but not too smart a way to avoid jury duty.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/ye ... l?link=eaf

It seemed to work, didn't it?

General Mannerheim · Post by **General Mannerheim** » Fri Jun 19, 2009 1:10 pm

Wind Turbines

Im a big fan

General Mannerheim · Post by **General Mannerheim** » Fri Jun 19, 2009 1:11 pm

When I was a toddler, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" just after a swear word.

I'll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French!

Verbal · Post by **Verbal** » Fri Jun 19, 2009 1:22 pm

General Mannerheim wrote:Wind Turbines

Im a big fan

The first time I saw one I was blown away.

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Fri Jun 19, 2009 1:36 pm

Don't know if this one's been on here before:

Wild West saloon. People drinking, guy playing the piano in a corner. Doors burst open and a cowboy strides in and fires a couple of shots into the ceiling. Demands a large whisky . Barman serves him, shakes his head and says:
"You shouldn't do that"

Cowboy grins, takes a slug of whisky and fires at a couple of bottles behind the bar, smashing them..
Barman says, : "you shouldn't do that"

Cowboy sneers and, turning round, aims and fires at a bottle of whiskey, then a glass on top of the piano. Guy keeps on playing ignoring it all.Barman says,
"You shouldn't have done that. If I was you, I'd file that big sight off the end of your gun and then dip the barrel in that tub over there and give it a real good greasing!"

Cowboy looks at him with raised eyebrows, says " And why would I want to do that little man?"
Barman say:
"Cos when Wyatt Earp's finished playing that piano, he's gonna come over here, take that gun off you and ram it,barrel first, all the way right up your ass!"

superjohnmcginlay · Post by **superjohnmcginlay** » Fri Jun 19, 2009 2:09 pm

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!' 'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?' 'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!' Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.' 'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks. 'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.' Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.' 'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you..'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!' Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spok e, I have increased my army to 200,000!' 'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.' 'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?' 'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners!”

CrazyHorse · Post by **CrazyHorse** » Fri Jun 19, 2009 7:51 pm

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how Ya waves a fukkin' towel!'

enfieldwhite · Post by **enfieldwhite** » Mon Jun 22, 2009 9:56 am

A woman brought a very limp duck into a

veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled

out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's

chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head

sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has

passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,"

replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.

"I mean you haven't done any testing

on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or

something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left

the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black

Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement,

the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the

examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and

shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it

out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately

sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its

haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of

the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said,

"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely,

100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a

few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the

bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell

me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you

had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20,

But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan,

it's now $150."

Bruno · Post by **Bruno** » Mon Jun 22, 2009 9:58 am

I went into the video shop the other day and said "can I have Batman Forever", the clown behind the desk said "no, it needs to be back by wednesday"

boom-tish

Verbal · Post by **Verbal** » Wed Jun 24, 2009 5:14 pm

What do you get if you throw a grand piano down a coal pit?

A flat minor.

(boom boom)

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Thu Jun 25, 2009 3:15 pm

10 Downing Street
London SW1

Dear People of the United Kingdom

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

Gordon Brown

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Mon Jun 29, 2009 8:07 pm

Seeing as Mr Mannerheim is not here....I did try to hold back. Unlike the people's princess mkII, Mr Jackson kinda mattered, and is just about the biggest waste of talent since, if not ever more than his father-in-law, so I resolved to be good. However the amount of idiot no marks sharing their 'grief' for the man they never met, all over every available media outlet has made me think I need to redress the balance. So....

Apparently Gary Glitter has won the auction for Jackson's PC

What has 8 legs and doesn't rape children? The Jackson 4.

Apparentaly, the heart attack was caused by tripping over a pram. The police have refused to blame it on the good time, or the bad times, even on the sunshine, they blame it on the buggy.

Whats white, black, and blue all over? A depressed zebra, obviously.

And the best.......

I bet Caspar is shitting himself.

Yours forever xx

Verbal · Post by **Verbal** » Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:29 am

Given that Michael Jackson was recently reported to be suffering from skin cancer, the coroner is not sure yet if the real cause of death should be blamed on the sunshine.....or the moonlight, the good times or the boogie, but at this time he suspects it was the boogie.

Police suspect a smooth criminal was responsible. He was not alone.
There was apparently a man in the mirror who was very dangerous and wanted to be startin something even though MJ told him to beat it and was heard to say leave me alone. Nobody knows if the suspect was black or white.

Whacko Jacko .. now believed to have died from from food poisoning ...
he choked on some 12yr old nuts .

Jacko died of a heart attack this morning shocked when he discovered that boyz II men was a band, not a delivery service

Jockeys at Flemington are going to wear black armbands out of respect for Michael Jackson who successfully rode more 3 year olds than anyone in living memory.

Hospital staff don't know what to do with Michael Jackson's body as plastic recycle day is not until next Tuesday

What the difference between Alex Ferguson and Michael Jackson? Ferguson will be playing Gigs in August!!

Marshall · Post by **Marshall** » Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:52 am

Apparently Jacko didn't die due to cardiac arrest, but suffocated from a Blanket on his face.

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