Joke thread

If you have a life outside of BWFC, then this is the place to tell us all about your toilet habits, and those bizarre fetishes.......

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malcd1
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Post by malcd1 » Sat Jan 21, 2006 10:15 pm

This cybersex joke was going about a couple of years ago and I've just found it again. It still makes me laugh when I read it. :D



Sajad: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Sajad: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from C&A. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of madras sauce on it from dinner...and it smells funny.

Sweethart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Sajad: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Sajad: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Sajad: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Sajad: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Sajad: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Sajad: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Sajad: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

Sajad: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Sajad: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Sajad: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Sajad: I'm so sorry; Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Sajad: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Sajad: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Sajad: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Sajad: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Sajad: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Sajad: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Sajad: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Sajad: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Sajad: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Sajad: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Sajad: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Sajad: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

Sajad: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Sajad: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Sajad: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Sajad: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Sajad: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Sajad: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Sajad: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Sajad: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Sajad: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Sajad: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Sajad: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Sajad: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Sajad: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart:

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Post by blurred » Mon Jan 23, 2006 10:11 pm

I phoned up for a takeaway pizza the other day and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.

The delivery boy brought round Diana Ross.

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Post by blurred » Tue Jan 24, 2006 9:20 am

Update from the African Nations Cup

Egypt 8 Ethiopia didnt

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Post by communistworkethic » Tue Jan 24, 2006 10:23 am

Christohper Lee is to launch his own range of men's hair dyes, it will be called..


The Rinse of Darkness.
power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely

kevin nolan is so fat, that when he sits around the house he sits around the house

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Post by CrazyHorse » Wed Jan 25, 2006 12:39 pm

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Businesswoman of the year.

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Post by Soldier_Of_The_White_Army » Wed Jan 25, 2006 12:48 pm

Newcastle, dont you just luv em :D

Q: Why do so many housewives love newcastle?
A: Cos they stay on top for ages and then come second.


Fire brigade phones Graham Souness in the early hours of Sunday morning...
"Graham, St James Park is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" replies Souness.
"Well...the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."


Q: Why do they call Graham Souness hitler?
A: Because he cant win in europe either.


Newcastle have moved quickly to halt rumours of a rift between Graham Souness and Alan Shearer.
A club spokesman said, "It's ridiculous to suggest that there is a personality clash between the two - everybody at the club knows that Shearer hasn't got one."


Q. What's the difference between the Toon keeper and a taxi driver?
A. A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.


Q: What do Toon fans and laxatives have in common?
A: Both irritate the absolute crap out of you.


Why do Geordie Supporters have Moustaches?
A: So they can look like their Mothers.


Tomorrow, Man Ure :D
YOU CLIMB OBSTACLES LIKE OLD PEOPLE FXCK!!!!!!!!!!!

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Post by blurred » Wed Jan 25, 2006 5:57 pm

It's an oldie...

Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.

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Post by enfieldwhite » Wed Jan 25, 2006 6:12 pm

Remembered this the other day. Again it's an oldie.....

Man and Wife go to the pub. It's a busy night, as there's a wedding party in there and they have a disco going. Wife goes to the toilet and on the way she is accosted by a drunk who asks for a dance. Thinking hubby won't mind she agrees. As they're dancing the drunk whispers to her ''I'd love to f**k you up the a*se''. Horrified the wife smacks his face and returns to the table, but says nothing to the husband.

A few minutes later the man goes to the toilet. The drunk comes up to the wife and apologises 'I'm really sorry'' he says '' I don't know what came over me. What I meant to say was I'd love to fill your c**t with Guinness and drink it all up!'' She smacks his face again and the drunk returns to the dancefloor.

The Wife is distraught and when hubby comes back from the toilet he asks her why. She tells him of the first incident and, outraged, the man stands to confront the drunk. She then tells him what happened when he went to the toilet, and is perplexed when he sits down and gets ready to leave. ''What are you doing?'' she demands, ''are you going to say something?''

''Not likely'' he says ''I'm not tackling anyone who can drink that much Guinness''
"You're Gemini, and I don't know which one I like the most!"

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Post by CrazyHorse » Mon Jan 30, 2006 9:40 am

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Businesswoman of the year.

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Post by CrazyHorse » Mon Jan 30, 2006 9:41 am

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"
The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"
Businesswoman of the year.

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Post by CrazyHorse » Mon Jan 30, 2006 6:39 pm

A young man called john invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome john's flat mate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between john and his flat mate that met the eye .reading his mum's thoughts, john volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flat mates.”
About a week later, Simon came to John saying, “ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?”

“Well, I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her just to be sure," said john.

so he sat down and wrote: Dear mother, I’m not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house, I’m not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love John.

Several days later, john received an e-mail from his mother which read: Dear son, I’m not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon, and I’m not saying that you "do not" sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now.
Businesswoman of the year.

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Post by Gravedigger » Mon Jan 30, 2006 9:04 pm

Eighty year old bloke goes to doctors. "Hey, Doc. I'm eighty years old and I'm getting married to a nineteen year old girl."
The doc says, "You realise sex can be dangerous?"
The old man shrugs. "Well, if she dies, she dies." 8)
Don't try to be a great man. Just be a man and let history make up its own mind.

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Post by Bruce Rioja » Mon Jan 30, 2006 9:49 pm

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached
the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor
for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor
in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others,
if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several
minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
May the bridges I burn light your way

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Post by blurred » Tue Jan 31, 2006 7:31 pm

It's old, and I apologise

Tony Blair is visiting a hospital in Ayrshire. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets the first patient with a handshake. The patient replies:

Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a you take your place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. The patient responds:

Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, Blair moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

We sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks:
Is this a psychiatric ward?
"No", replies the doctor.









wait for it










wait for it







"This is the serious Burns unit".

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Post by hisroyalgingerness » Wed Feb 08, 2006 8:58 am

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress
Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin
and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by
not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, .after sleeping
soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was
still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know
what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching
her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his
costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every
nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss
there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to
her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little
proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the
cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before
unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he
would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading
when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we
went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume
to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

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Post by mummywhycantieatcrayons » Wed Feb 08, 2006 1:52 pm

hisroyalgingerness wrote:To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume
to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
:shock:
Prufrock wrote: Like money hasn't always talked. You might not like it, or disagree, but it's the truth. It's a basic incentive, people always have, and always will want what's best for themselves and their families

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Post by hisroyalgingerness » Wed Feb 08, 2006 1:53 pm

mummywhycantieatcrayons wrote:
hisroyalgingerness wrote:To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume
to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
:shock:
it's a long un, but ultimately worth it

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Post by blurred » Fri Feb 10, 2006 12:07 am

Because silly jokes are, well, silly:

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?

A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

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Post by Bruce Rioja » Fri Feb 10, 2006 9:29 am

What do you call a Judge with no thumbs?













Justice Fingers!
May the bridges I burn light your way

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Post by blurred » Fri Feb 10, 2006 12:55 pm

Sol Campbell has issued a "come and get me" plea to Charlton boss Alan Curbishley after hearing their scorers against Liverpool the other day were Young and Bent

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