Joke thread

[white blood]

A massive 6'5" 20 stone scouser is sat at a bar on his own enjoying a quiet pint when this gorgeous girl walks up to him, leans over and whispers in his ear "fancy a bl0wj0b"? the scouser, outraged, picks the woman up by the scruff of the neck and smashes her face into to the door, then kicks her outside into the carpark where he stamps on her head a few times.
The scouser calmly walks back in and starts sipping his pint as though nothing has happened.
The barman walks over to him and says "wow that was a bit drastic, what did she say to you"?
The scouser replies "I dunno, something about a job"

[blurred]

It's not great, but it'll do...


A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it
has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie
Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice
a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes
fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front
of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny
emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits
down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie
Green?"

The altar boy replies, ..............................

"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

[blurred]

Old, but still...


Rumsfeld is giving Bush his daily briefing and reads sadly:

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands Finally, the President looks up and asks..........

''How many is a Brazillion ??!'

[Soldier_Of_The_White_Army]

Private "Sir? If I said you were an idiot, what would you do?"
Officer "I would jail you for insubordination"
Private "Sir? If I thought you were an idiot, what would you do?"
Officer "Well, I couldn't do much about that at all"
Private "Sir? I think you're an idiot"

[blurred]

Private "Sir? If I said you were an idiot, what would you do?"
Officer "I would jail you for insubordination"
Private "Sir? If I thought you were an idiot, what would you do?"
Officer "Well, I couldn't do much about that at all"
Private "Sir? I think you're an idiot"

Heard the oft-told urban legend of the footballer and the referee with the 'ok then, I think you're a c*nt' as the punchline

[Soldier_Of_The_White_Army]

Private "Sir? If I said you were an idiot, what would you do?"
Officer "I would jail you for insubordination"
Private "Sir? If I thought you were an idiot, what would you do?"
Officer "Well, I couldn't do much about that at all"
Private "Sir? I think you're an idiot"

Heard the oft-told urban legend of the footballer and the referee with the 'ok then, I think you're a c*nt' as the punchline

Yes I know Blurred, but seeing as this is Banter

[blurred]

Yes I know Blurred, but seeing as this is Banter

[CrazyHorse]

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills.
One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.

She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair.

She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of the lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"

God replied, "Shirley? Is that you? I didn't recognize you!"

[blurred]

A young, gorgeous woman took over the job as charge hand at the factory where Chalky White and Curly Smith both worked. As Chalky was the older of the two, he was incredibly fearful that he would have his overtime shifts cut down by this new bimbo. Imagine his delight, then, when he saw her shorten Curly's.

[blurred]

A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in HR.

Without identifying the guy, she tells them what her coworker does and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget"

[blurred]

Another one to apologise for:

Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist and refused laughing gas, novocaine and all the marvels of modern science?

Apparently he wanted to transcend dental medication.

[CrazyHorse]

A brother and sister from Blackburn arrange their honeymoon to Florida for after their wedding.

Anyway fifteen minutes into the flight from Manchester Airport, the captain calmly announces, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about, although our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the slightly agitated captain announces, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on our two remaining engines."

An hour after that high over the Atlantic ocean, and with genuine panic in his voice the captain announces, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed by another three hours. But don't worry, we still have the one engine left."

The wife turns to her husband and calmly says, "I hope we don’t lose that last engine otherwise we'll be up here all day!"

[Gravedigger]

Lifted directly from a book.

You know you're a Blackburn fan, when:-

1...You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
2...You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
3...Your school dance has a creche.
4...One of your kids was born on a pool table.
5...Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same year.
6...Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

[blurred]

Not really a joke - but 5 down and 5 across:

http://www.electraisd.net/alumni/displa ... spx?y=1993

[Gravedigger]

Wonder if she's blonde.

[CrazyHorse]

Not really a joke - but 5 down and 5 across:

http://www.electraisd.net/alumni/displa ... spx?y=1993

I think you'd be hard pushed to find a more unattractive bunch of people, except maybe at a Manchester Derby...

Talk about interbreeding! I'm very surprised that they all don't share the same surname!

[blurred]

Received these couple in me email today


Being British?

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign

World going crazy?

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. Need I say more?"

[blurred]

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls..... I'd say you must either be a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."

[CrazyHorse]

A family had the grandmother living with them. They loved having her around, but got to the stage where they felt they couldn't look after her as well as she deserved. After much soul searching, they looked for and found a wonderful nursing home. They took the grandmother along, and left her for a day to see how she liked it.

She chatted to the existing residents, the staff, etc. It seemed good. She was delighted to be sat on the patio looking at the wonderful gardens, talking to residents & staff, playing bridge and being treated to tea, biscuits, snacks, etc.

Whilst sitting there, she slowly started to lean to the left. The staff immediately came along, straightened her up, and asked if she was OK. She insisted she was.

Ten minutes later, she slowly started to lean to the right. Again the staff came along, straightened her up and enquired if she was OK with the old lady insisting everything was fine.

This happened a number of times throughout the rest of the day. At teatime, the lady's family turned up and asked her how the day had went.

"Ooh its lovely here, I really like it" she said, "Mind you, they won't let you fart!"

[blurred]

An oldie...

A bus load of nuns die an go to heaven. St Peters stood at the pearly gates and asks the 1st nun if shes ever had contact with a penis.

She replies: "I touched one once with the tip of my finger"

St Peter says: "Dip it in the Holy water and carry on in".

Then he asks the 2nd nun the same question.

"I held one once" she says sheepishly.

"Put your hand in the Holy water and go in an grab a seat" he replies.

Suddenly, theres a commotion and a Nun comes pushing through from the back of the queue, throwing other Nuns out of her way, and leaving fallen Nuns in her wake.

"Erm, whats goin on Sister?" asks St Peter.

"Well....if im gonna gargle that Holy water, i wanna do it before Sister Margaret puts her arse in it!"