Joke thread

CrazyHorse · Post by **CrazyHorse** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 1:16 pm

Newsflash:
Thieves broke into the home of a Blackburn fan and stole two books.
"The thing that upsets me", he said "is that I hadn't finished colouring them in yet!"

CrazyHorse · Post by **CrazyHorse** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 1:18 pm

Newsflash 2:

The Post Office has issued a statement informing all customers that it is recalling its latest collection of stamps - the Manchester United collection. Apparently its customers were confused as to which side they were supposed to spit on.

CrazyHorse · Post by **CrazyHorse** » Thu Feb 16, 2006 11:31 am

What is 6" long, has a head on it and drives women crazy?

Money

CrazyHorse · Post by **CrazyHorse** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 11:30 am

Scouse Keyboard:

Gertie · Post by **Gertie** » Tue Feb 21, 2006 9:53 am

A jump lead goes into a bar and the barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The wedding wasn't great but the reception was brilliant.

Bruce Rioja · Post by **Bruce Rioja** » Tue Feb 21, 2006 10:03 am

Gertie wrote:A jump lead goes into a bar and the barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The wedding wasn't great but the reception was brilliant.

Have you been at the lolly sticks again?

CrazyHorse · Post by **CrazyHorse** » Tue Feb 21, 2006 2:35 pm

A man had two great tickets for the Football Cup final.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty".

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA cup final, the biggest sporting event in the year, and not use it?"

First man says, "well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married".

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral"

plodder · Post by **plodder** » Tue Feb 28, 2006 10:35 pm

Blonde walks into a bank in London "I want a £5000 loan".

"Certainly madam, but we would need some collateral or security"

She hands over the keys to her new Porsche.."Its parked outside, just be careful with my baby."

After checking the deeds and ownership the bank agree to take the car as collateral and park it in their underground garage. Of she goes £5k richer.

After two weeks the women returns to the bank and pays of the £5000 loan with £20 of interest in full.

"We appreciate your custom bu tduring our routine checks we found that you were in fact a millionaire, may we ask why you needed the loan?"

With a smile...

"I didn't but where else can you park your car in London for a fortnight for £20 and it still be there when you get back!"

blurred · Post by **blurred** » Wed Mar 01, 2006 10:20 pm

There was short lived delight for viewers today as SKY announced it will be covering this years World Origami Championships.

Uproar ensued shortly afterwards, after it was announced it would only be available on paper view.

Soldier_Of_The_White_Army · Post by **Soldier_Of_The_White_Army** » Wed Mar 01, 2006 10:32 pm

blurred wrote:There was short lived delight for viewers today as SKY announced it will be covering this years World Origami Championships.

Uproar ensued shortly afterwards, after it was announced it would only be available on paper view.

Excuse me sir, I believe this is yours!

And we have one of these outside waiting for you!

blurred · Post by **blurred** » Wed Mar 01, 2006 10:53 pm

Soldier_Of_The_White_Army · Post by **Soldier_Of_The_White_Army** » Thu Mar 09, 2006 12:01 am

Headline
JackoThere was chaos outside Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch in California, today, as Police officers tried to persuade the "king of pop", to release three aliens, which he had abducted.

The terrified aliens, whose spacecraft had crash-landed a mile from the ranch, had been abducted at gunpoint by Jackson and taken to his house. Police were called when a witness reported seeing, "strange lights" and hearing, "unearthly noises". The witness was reassured by the police that this was normal on Michael Jackson's ranch. After another witness reported the same occurrences, police decided to investigate further.

A standoff with the authorities is now inevitable, with Jackson and three hundred lawyers insisting that the aliens belong to him and the authorities demanding their release, so that they can be experimented on.

A message from the aliens smuggled out of the ranch, says that they would, "rather be experimented on, than to stay another minute with Wacko Jacko".

A very rare pint from Soldier for the first person to tell me were I found this post!!

blurred · Post by **blurred** » Thu Mar 09, 2006 12:35 am

My money's on the repository that is the 'Llanelli Scar'

Pint of lager, please

Frankie Wanderer · Post by **Frankie Wanderer** » Thu Mar 09, 2006 5:22 am

A cure for Bird Flu

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Thu Mar 09, 2006 1:45 pm

blurred wrote:My money's on the repository that is the 'Llanelli Scar'

Pint of lager, please

Google does it again, eh blurred?

blurred · Post by **blurred** » Thu Mar 09, 2006 2:55 pm

Montreal Wanderer wrote:
blurred wrote:My money's on the repository that is the 'Llanelli Scar'

Pint of lager, please
Google does it again, eh blurred?

Naturellement, mon ami

Soldier_Of_The_White_Army · Post by **Soldier_Of_The_White_Army** » Thu Mar 09, 2006 7:20 pm

blurred wrote:My money's on the repository that is the 'Llanelli Scar'

Pint of lager, please

Your waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off

Luna · Post by **Luna** » Thu Mar 09, 2006 8:46 pm

Thats the joke.

Gravedigger · Post by **Gravedigger** » Thu Mar 09, 2006 9:31 pm

Remake of "The Deer Hunter" made in Blackburn, entitled "Old Dear Hunter, starring Doctor Shipman.

No coat required, got me Chrissy cardy.

warthog · Post by **warthog** » Fri Mar 10, 2006 2:01 pm

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger
sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts,
and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a view of her private parts. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She
told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married
and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and
couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild
fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I
watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her
panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment,
then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the
door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,

We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask
for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!

Connect with your social network account

Joke thread

Who is online