Joke thread

blurred · Post by **blurred** » Thu Dec 01, 2005 9:25 am

An English teacher was trying to explain the rules of negatives and positives to her class.

"In English, a double negative equals a positive. However, in Russian, for example, two negatives still equal a negative. But in no language do two positives equal a negative."

To which a voice appeared from the back.

"Yeah right."

blurred · Post by **blurred** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 11:46 am

Apparently,Gary Glitter has been booked into the Betty Ford clinic for his 12-year-old crack addiction.

americantrotter · Post by **americantrotter** » Wed Dec 14, 2005 2:05 pm

Two boys are playing hockey on the pond on Boston Common, when one is
attacked by a vicious dog. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his
hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist,
luckily breaking the dog's neck and stopping its attack.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy.

"Young Bruins Fan Saves friend from Vicious Animal..." he starts
writing in his notebook.

"But, I'm not a Bruins Fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were," said the
reporter and starts again.

"Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack..." he continued
writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Red Sox fan either!" The boy said. "Oh, Pa! triots Fan Rescues
Friend from Horrific attack..." He continued to write in his notebook.

"I'm not a Patriots Fan either", said the boy.

" I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins, the Red Sox,
or the Patriots, so, what team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Yankees fan!" the child beamed.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little
Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet."

communistworkethic · Post by **communistworkethic** » Wed Dec 14, 2005 2:16 pm

George Best wasn't buried in Ireland the other week after all. Though in hindsight, cremating him last Sunday by the M1 in Hertfordshire seems to have been a bad idea.

Soldier_Of_The_White_Army · Post by **Soldier_Of_The_White_Army** » Wed Dec 14, 2005 4:22 pm

This isn't a joke as such but some true comments from annual reports soldiers get every year (they are from my corps site)

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from
bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure

Non Bolton But no Spammer · Post by **Non Bolton But no Spammer** » Thu Dec 15, 2005 4:30 pm

what do you call a spurs fan with champagne

A waiter

ps add any disliked team where i have put spurs

CrazyHorse · Post by **CrazyHorse** » Tue Dec 20, 2005 10:52 am

While I was driving down the A40 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been)

I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk asked:

"Runway too short??

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher"

The copper was surprised and confused. "A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then

With my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.”

communistworkethic · Post by **communistworkethic** » Tue Dec 20, 2005 11:28 am

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Your going to love this....................

> >Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

Soldier_Of_The_White_Army · Post by **Soldier_Of_The_White_Army** » Tue Dec 20, 2005 11:48 am

Divert Your Course

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Lennon · Post by **Lennon** » Tue Dec 20, 2005 12:15 pm

keveh · Post by **keveh** » Tue Dec 20, 2005 12:21 pm

Lennon wrote:

lmfao, i just burst out laughing at work you bar stuard!

Gravedigger · Post by **Gravedigger** » Tue Dec 20, 2005 12:40 pm

Two greyhounds in the traps at Bell Vue.
First Greyhound. "I was at Blackburn the other night and felt this terrible pain in me arse but I went on to win by a length."
Second Greyhound. "I was at White City. Felt this pain in me arse but went on to win by two lengths."

A horse in the stables next door pops its head round the door. "I was at Ascot last week. Got this pain in me arse but won by a short head."

First Greyhound to second... "Feck me! A talking horse!"

blurred · Post by **blurred** » Tue Dec 20, 2005 11:13 pm

A charity pantomime in aid of paranoid schizophrenics descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted 'He's behind you!'

Gertie · Post by **Gertie** » Thu Dec 22, 2005 9:44 am

Man takes Bernese Mountain dog to vets.

Says she’s cross-eyed, can he do anything?

Vet picks her up and says lets have a look.

Looks in her eyes, her ears and at her skull

Says, I’m going to have to put her down.

Shocked, man says Why? Just because she’s cross-eyed.

Vet says no, because she’s heavy.

mofgimmers · Post by **mofgimmers** » Thu Dec 22, 2005 10:35 am

After reading this lot, I think Soldier and Blurred are in the lead!

Gravedigger · Post by **Gravedigger** » Thu Dec 22, 2005 12:14 pm

Bloke goes to the doctor. "Doc? I keep thinking people are ignoring me.."

"NEXT!"

Soldier_Of_The_White_Army · Post by **Soldier_Of_The_White_Army** » Thu Dec 22, 2005 12:18 pm

23 Rules I live by:

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

2. Incoming fire has the right of way.

3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.

4. The easy way is always mine.

5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
1. When you're ready for them. 2. When you're not ready for them.

8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

15. When in doubt empty the magazine.

16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.

18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.

19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

20. A Victoria Cross just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.

23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.

And one for Gravedigger:

It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

Gravedigger · Post by **Gravedigger** » Thu Dec 22, 2005 12:19 pm

Wigan fan walks into a pub with a pig under his arm.

The barman says "Where the feck did you get that?"

The pig says,"I won it in a raffle."

Gravedigger · Post by **Gravedigger** » Thu Dec 22, 2005 12:20 pm

Wigan fan walks into a pub with a huge leek.

The barman says, "What kind of vegetable is that?"

The leek says, "It's a Wigan supporter."

Soldier_Of_The_White_Army · Post by **Soldier_Of_The_White_Army** » Thu Dec 22, 2005 12:23 pm

A section of British soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled British soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!'
He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Tony Blair is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us."

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