Joke thread

[Gertie]

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing. As the official approached, the man said "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied,
"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."

[blurred]

I really apologise for this. No, really I do...




A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

[warthog]

Sorry? So you fkn should be!

[Dujon]

BLURRED!

If nothing else, it's clean enough to relate to my wife.

[Montreal Wanderer]

It would however confuse Americans since they don't have bus conductors - it would have to be a train or symphony orchestra joke for them.

[InsaneApache]

My grand-dad told me that one and he's been dead since 1978

[Salford White]

A farmer walks into the farmhouse and says to his wife

" Pack your bags, we're goin huntin"

"Im not going huntin" She replies

" Either you're coming huntin or its anal sex or a blow job, Im goin packin up the truck, you've got 10 minutes to decide"

Ten minutes later he walks back in

" So whats it to be then?"

" Well Im not comin and you're not puttin it up there again, so it'll have to be a BJ"

Down to her knees she goes, but after a minute she looks up and says

"F*ckin hell, you taste terrible"

"I know, the dog didn't want to come either"

[blurred]

Two blokes are talking about their wives, and one of them is moaning on about how she hides how much she spends on their credit cards going shopping all the time. He says to the other ' D'you know, I've got a little pet name for her. I call my missus Narnia'.

'Why's that?' asks his mate.

'Cos she's a lying bitch with a wardrobe'

[blurred]

Another one for you:

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"

The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That f---ing Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French nice person again."

[TANGODANCER]

Patrick walk into his local with a black eye. "Shit, have you been fighting?" asked Michael

"Nah, believe it or not I was doing a good turn. I was in church this morning and Mrs Murphy was in front of me. As she stood up I noticed her frock was caught in her knickers so I reched forward and pulled it out. She turned round and whacked me!"

Following week Patrick walks into his local with two black eyes. "Don't tell me you've been scrapping again" says Michael.

"Sure it's almost untrue what happened" said Patrick. "Mrs Murphy was in front again and her frock was caught in her knickers again"

"What, you tried to pull it out again after she gave you a black eye for the same thing last week. Are you mad?"

"Oh no, I'm no that daft. Sure twas Finnegan sat beside me who pulled it out. I' knew she'd go mad so I just tried to tuck it back in again"

[blurred]

An oldie, but it's vaguely seasonal...

A Christmas present -

A guy has a new girlfriend but doesn't want to buy her anything too personal as it's only been 3 weeks since he met her. He decides on a pair of gloves and asks her younger sister to help him choose.

After looking at loads he buys a white pair from Frasers. While she was there, the sister bought a new pair of panties.

As its Christmas, the girl behind the counter gift wraps the items, but gets them mixed up. The sister gets handed the gloves and the guy takes home the panties.

He rushed round to his girlfriends flat to leave the parcel outside for her coming home from work...but before doing so he wrote and attached the
following:

"Darling, Merry Christmas,

I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out. I was going to choose a different pair but your sister swears you would prefer these as they are easier to remove. I was going to get a different colour but the girl behind the counter showed me a pair that she had been wearing for the last three weeks. They were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really cool.

I wish I could put these on you for the first time, but alas, I'm sure other hands will come into contact with them before I get a chance.

I hope you think of me when you take them off. Oh! And apparently you have to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you wear them for me on Christmas Eve.

Love,
Tom

P.S. The girl in Frasers says the trendy way is to wear them folded down
with a little fur showing.

[CrazyHorse]

Two cowboys are crawling through the desert without food and water, when one of them suddenly shouts. "Look it's a bacon tree! A bacon tree!"

"Don't be stupid," replied his friend. "It’s just a mirage. You're imagining things."

But his friend runs off only to return minutes later with hundreds of bullet holes in him. "You were right," moaned the cowboy "it wasn't a bacon tree.........."





"It was a Ham Bush".

[Soldier_Of_The_White_Army]

"It was a Ham Bush".

Ban him!!!........Ban him now!!

[CrazyHorse]

"It was a Ham Bush".

Ban him!!!........Ban him now!!

Ahh, if only you were a moderator, eh soldier?

[Lennon]

There's a Jew, a Hindu and a Scouser.
They're on a long road trip and can't find anywhere to stay the night.
Finally they find a dodgy motel that has some space, but the proprietor
tells them the only room left contains one single bed. They agree that two
of them will share the bed and the third will sleep outside in the barn.

The Jew volunteers to sleep outside, and the Hindu and the Scouser settle
down for the night - facing away from one another and trying very hard not
to touch. After a while, there's a knock at the door. It's the Jew.

"I'm sorry guys, but there's a pig in the barn. Pigs are regarded as unclean
animals in my religion and I couldn't possibly share a room with it."

So, the Hindu heads out to the barn and the Jew and the Scouser settle down
for the night - facing away from one another and trying very hard not to
touch. After a while, there's a knock at the door. It's the Hindu.

"I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn. Cows are regarded as sacred
animals in my religion. I couldn't possibly desecrate it with my unholy
presence."

So, the Scouser heads out to the barn and the Jew and the Hindu settle down
for the night - facing away from one another and trying very hard not to
touch. After a while, there's a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.

[blurred]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, "where have you been?" God pointed down through the clouds.

"Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said "what is it?"

"Its a planet" replied God "and Ive put LIFE on it. Im going to call it Earth and its going to be a great place of balance"

"Balance?" inquired Michael, confused. God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth.

"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor. The Middle East will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there Ive placed a continent of white people and over there a continent of black people"

God continued, 'This one will be extremely hot and arid, while this one will be covered in ice.'

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, pointed to another area of land and asked "whats that?"

"Ah" said God "That's Liverpool, the most glorious place on Earth.They are beautiful people, with one of the finest football teams in the world; an impressive city. It is home of the worlds finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers, inventors, industrialists and politicians.

The people of Liverpool are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high-achieving and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of wise words and truth"

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration,but then proclaimed, "but Lord, what about the balance? You said there would be BALANCE."

And God replied very wisely-

"Wait til you see the bunch of c*nts I'm putting in Manchester"

[Soldier_Of_The_White_Army]

Actual Air Force Maintenance Complaints

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto land very rough."
Solution: "Auto land not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem:: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

[Bruce Rioja]

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

[TANGODANCER]

Frankly:

Man walks out of a hotel into the rain just as a taxi pulls up.
"That was lucky", he said to the driver

"Frank did it every time. Never got wet and there was always a taxi waiting" said the driver

Frank who?

Frank Brown, world class sprinter, weightlifter, scratch-golfer, ace swimmer and diver who could play the piano like a concert pianist, dance like Gene Kelly and sing like Sinatra.

Wow, what a guy.

Yep, never forgot a birthday, always worked, was handsome, witty, well dressed and highly intelligent

Was he a mate of yours?

Never met him in my life.

Well? How come you know so much about him?

I married his f-----g widow, didnt I?

[blurred]

A lad has just copped off with some bird after a night out and takes her back to his new flat, as he showing here round he takes her to his bedroom and shows her his big brass gong
'whats that' the girl asks
'its me new talking clock' says the man
'talking clock? how does that work?'
And with that the man grabs a sledgehammer and nice people this big brass bong as hard as he could
'listen'
then a few seconds later he hears a cry from next door
'its quarter past 3 in the feck* morning!'