Joke thread
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TonyZicoKelly
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warthog
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This joke probably originated on Merseyside where the word 'get' is used in a derogatory fashion. Normal English people use the word 'git instead.' Hope this helps.Montreal Wanderer wrote:CrazyHorse wrote:Two little old ladies are browing at a selection of coats in a shop window.
The first one turns to the other one and says "That's the one I'd get".
Then a cyclops came out and smacked her in the face!This puzzled me for a while, until I finally realized that "get" must be some English form of insult. Oh, the difficulties we foreigners hae!
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Bruce Rioja
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A job interviewer gave an Irishman the following test. He drew 3 pairs of vertical lines on a piece of paper, gave the paper to the Irishman and said, "Could you please show me a clever way to make this into 9?"
After thinking for a while, the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the 3 pairs of lines, then handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said, "But that is not 9!"
"Oh, yes, it is," said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + tree + tree make nine!"
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.
After thinking for a longer while, the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said, "But that is not 99!"
"Oh yes it is," said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety nine."
The interviewer was now a bit upset so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all. So, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time, the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right hand side of each tree, then handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said, "But that is not 100!" "Oh, yes, it most certainly is," said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!"
After thinking for a while, the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the 3 pairs of lines, then handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said, "But that is not 9!"
"Oh, yes, it is," said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + tree + tree make nine!"
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.
After thinking for a longer while, the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said, "But that is not 99!"
"Oh yes it is," said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety nine."
The interviewer was now a bit upset so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all. So, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time, the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right hand side of each tree, then handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said, "But that is not 100!" "Oh, yes, it most certainly is," said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!"
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TonyZicoKelly
Baby Balloon can't get to sleep, so he wanders into his parents' bedroom to get in bed with them. Only problem is, there's not enough room for him to squeeze in between them.
So he goes round to Daddy Balloon's side of the bed, undoes his knot and lets a little bit of air out. No good though; he still can't get in. He then goes round to Mummy Balloon's side of the bed, undoes her knot and lets a little bit of air out. No good either; he still can't squeeze in between them.
So he undoes his own knot and lets a bit of air out, and finally manages to snuggle into the middle of the bed. Soon, Daddy Balloon wakes up, and he's not happy. Waking Mummy and Baby Balloon up, he proceeds to tell off the youngster:
"I've told you about this, son. You've got to sleep in your own bed. You're a big boy now. You promised us it wouldn't happen any more.You PROMISED us! You know what bothers me the most?
............ wait for it.....!!
"..... It's the fact that you've let me down, you've let your mam down and worst of all, you've let yourself down."
So he goes round to Daddy Balloon's side of the bed, undoes his knot and lets a little bit of air out. No good though; he still can't get in. He then goes round to Mummy Balloon's side of the bed, undoes her knot and lets a little bit of air out. No good either; he still can't squeeze in between them.
So he undoes his own knot and lets a bit of air out, and finally manages to snuggle into the middle of the bed. Soon, Daddy Balloon wakes up, and he's not happy. Waking Mummy and Baby Balloon up, he proceeds to tell off the youngster:
"I've told you about this, son. You've got to sleep in your own bed. You're a big boy now. You promised us it wouldn't happen any more.You PROMISED us! You know what bothers me the most?
............ wait for it.....!!
"..... It's the fact that you've let me down, you've let your mam down and worst of all, you've let yourself down."
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wigan white
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ft:)
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Raven
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- Location: Near Coventry but originally from Kent
Now this is true quality!!!
I bow before you
I bow before you
Gertie wrote:The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.
"Just Released - New LP -Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make.
I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the
window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to
step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the
earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the
booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't
understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the
sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step
into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."
"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant,
Wait for it...
"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."
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Raven
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- Location: Near Coventry but originally from Kent
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade.
Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.
He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Un-amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.
Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees.Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:
"Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees"
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade.
Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.
He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Un-amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.
Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees.Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:
"Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees"
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TonyZicoKelly
That's one of my all time fave jokes!!!Raven wrote:A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade.
Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.
He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Un-amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.
Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees.Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:
"Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees"
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TonyZicoKelly
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nickoholism
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Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis.
After a few spliffs they run out of gear.
One of the men stands up and says, 'Look, we've got loads more tobacco,
I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs.'
Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some cumin, turmeric and a
couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls
them into a spliff.
On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it
and takes a long drag.
Within seconds he passes out.
Ten minutes go by and he's still out cold, so they decide to take him
to hospital.
On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care.
The doctor returns to his friends and asks,'So what was he doing then?
Cannabis?'
'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I
made a home-made spliff.'
'Oh' replies the doctor, 'so what did you put in it?'
'Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.'
The doctor sighs, 'Well that explains it.'
'Why, what's wrong with him?' demands one of the men.
The doctor replies, 'He's in a korma.'
After a few spliffs they run out of gear.
One of the men stands up and says, 'Look, we've got loads more tobacco,
I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs.'
Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some cumin, turmeric and a
couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls
them into a spliff.
On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it
and takes a long drag.
Within seconds he passes out.
Ten minutes go by and he's still out cold, so they decide to take him
to hospital.
On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care.
The doctor returns to his friends and asks,'So what was he doing then?
Cannabis?'
'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I
made a home-made spliff.'
'Oh' replies the doctor, 'so what did you put in it?'
'Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.'
The doctor sighs, 'Well that explains it.'
'Why, what's wrong with him?' demands one of the men.
The doctor replies, 'He's in a korma.'
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Gravedigger
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communistworkethic
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A yorkshireman walks in to his kitchen with a sheep under his arm to find his wife sat there.
"this is the fat ugly pig I have to shag when you've got a headache" he says
"that's a sheep not a pig you thick tw@t" replies his wife
"I was talking to the sheep"
"this is the fat ugly pig I have to shag when you've got a headache" he says
"that's a sheep not a pig you thick tw@t" replies his wife
"I was talking to the sheep"
power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely
kevin nolan is so fat, that when he sits around the house he sits around the house
kevin nolan is so fat, that when he sits around the house he sits around the house
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americantrotter
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