Joke thread

If you have a life outside of BWFC, then this is the place to tell us all about your toilet habits, and those bizarre fetishes.......

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Post by CrazyHorse » Fri Nov 18, 2005 8:15 am

What's the difference between a cockerel and a lawyer?





A cockerel clucks defiance, but a lawyer...
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Post by CrazyHorse » Fri Nov 18, 2005 8:17 am

what's the difference between a central heating boiler and David Moyes old english teacher?





One's a water tanker and the others a....
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Post by Gertie » Fri Nov 18, 2005 8:22 am

CrazyHorse wrote:what's the difference between a central heating boiler and David Moyes old english teacher?





One's a water tanker and the others a....
Crazy, I don't understand these ones?????

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Post by InsaneApache » Fri Nov 18, 2005 8:25 am

Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing which he concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident"

"Oh Dear God, no!!!" George W. Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!!"

His staff sat stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president cradled his head in hands. Finally, the President, devastated, looked up and asked: "How many is a Brazillion??!"
Here I stand foot in hand...talkin to my wall....I'm not quite right at all...am I?

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Post by CrazyHorse » Fri Nov 18, 2005 8:26 am

Gertie wrote:
CrazyHorse wrote:what's the difference between a central heating boiler and David Moyes old english teacher?





One's a water tanker and the others a....
Crazy, I don't understand these ones?????
Unfortunately because this is a family show, I cant complete the punchlines as they are a little blue. Soz!

BTW you need to say the David Moyes one out loud in a comedy Scottish accent to get the proper effect.
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Post by communistworkethic » Fri Nov 18, 2005 8:27 am

CrazyHorse wrote:
Gertie wrote:
CrazyHorse wrote:what's the difference between a central heating boiler and David Moyes old english teacher?





One's a water tanker and the others a....
Crazy, I don't understand these ones?????
Unfortunately because this is a family show, I cant complete the punchlines as they are a little blue. Soz!

BTW you need to say the David Moyes one out loud in a comedy Scottish accent to get the proper effect.
Sorry CH, but I've just had a Weegie say it and it's still "pish", as they put it.
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kevin nolan is so fat, that when he sits around the house he sits around the house

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Post by CrazyHorse » Fri Nov 18, 2005 8:29 am

I don't know....you try to bring a smile to the faces of the Bolton Massive on a cold and bitter Friday morning and for what? :cry:
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Post by Bench » Fri Nov 18, 2005 2:20 pm

Try to stay calm when you read this - and maybe ask someone to accompany you home....

This story happened about a year or two ago near Aughrim Co. Galway (Ireland), and even though it may sound like something out of the X-Files or from Alfred Hitchcock Presents... its real!

This guy drives from Ballinasloe to Kilreekill and decides not to take the new A road, as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when he reaches the outskirts his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from anywhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation. It's
dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering. The night rolls on and no car goes by, the rains are so strong he can barely see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly in the distance he sees the headlights of a car coming towards him and it slows and then stops next to him - without thinking the guy opens the car's door and jumps in.

Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realises there is nobody behind the wheel!!! Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming (remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep, steep drop
beyond the curve). Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralysed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend. Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard and fast as he can towards the lights.

It's a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside bar, which is open, and asks for a drink. They find some Whisky and give him a shot.

And he starts telling whoever will listen about the horrible experience he's just been through. A silence envelops everybody when they realise the guy isn't drunk, and Is really frightened - he's crying and shaking. So they give him more booze and talk about what they should do, whether to call the police or find a priest, or what.

But just then two strangers walked into the bar. And one says to the other,

"Look, that's the fecking eejit that got in the car when we were pushing it."
Smarties have answers.....

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Post by TANGODANCER » Fri Nov 18, 2005 2:35 pm

Guy leaves the village pub in Ireland. Having had a few he decides to take a short cut home through the local graveyard.
It's drizzling with rain and he doesn't see the newly dug grave until he lands with a thud in the bottom of it. After ten minutes of futile scrambling about he realises he's stuck in there. Accepting the inevitable he settles down in a corner and prepares to nod off and wait for daylight and help.

Second guy takes the same route and also falls into the pit with a hefty thud. After much cursing and swearing he also
tries to scramble out. Suddenly, a hand taps him on the shoulder and a voice says:

"I should give up if I were you. You'll never get out of here!"

............He did
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Post by blurred » Fri Nov 18, 2005 2:41 pm

I apologise for this one in advance....




Last Saturday night a young chap was walking home from the pub. It was a
cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the
streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by
the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then
suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving
rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached
from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was
a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
walking briskly home.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

BUMP........BUMP......

BUMP........BUMP.....

BUMP........BUMP......

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard
the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......

BUMP........BUMP......BUMP.....

BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only
seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His
hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the
front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and lumped into his
comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the
front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing
the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP..SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take
him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP..SCREECH...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched
itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew
off its hinges....

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
terrified lad.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP..SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
coffin.......still it came.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....
Still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it.......























The coffin stopped.

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Post by blurred » Fri Nov 18, 2005 2:42 pm

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the
top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over
to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop
up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying
complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good
day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but
hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of
her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

"Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

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Post by Steady » Fri Nov 18, 2005 3:06 pm

Why could the bicycle not stand up?










Because it was two tyred......


<Tumbleweed>

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Post by CrazyHorse » Fri Nov 18, 2005 3:18 pm

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives.

They had a great night but overdid the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, when walking home they both needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girly nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst...my wife came home last night with no panties on!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her arse that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
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Post by Gravedigger » Fri Nov 18, 2005 9:11 pm

Bloke walks into a doctor's surgery and says "I've just passed a nun in the waiting room and she's crying her eyes out."
The doc replies "Yes, I've just told her she's pregnant.
"Is she?"
"No", the doc replies, "but it's cured her feckin hiccups."
Don't try to be a great man. Just be a man and let history make up its own mind.

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Post by americantrotter » Sun Nov 20, 2005 1:57 am

Gravedigger wrote:Bloke walks into a doctor's surgery and says "I've just passed a nun in the waiting room and she's crying her eyes out."
The doc replies "Yes, I've just told her she's pregnant.
"Is she?"
"No", the doc replies, "but it's cured her feckin hiccups."
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Post by CrazyHorse » Mon Nov 21, 2005 2:57 pm

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too
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Post by Bruce Rioja » Mon Nov 21, 2005 3:19 pm

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to

a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.


The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No,"
he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"


Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."


The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"


"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."


The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"


Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
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Post by keveh » Mon Nov 21, 2005 3:23 pm

Now that's a good one BR!

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Post by ratbert » Fri Nov 25, 2005 10:34 am

Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo.

Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View.

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Post by InsaneApache » Mon Nov 28, 2005 12:06 pm

Q: Why do communists only drink herbal tea?
A: Because proper tea is theft.

Bill Gates died. When arriving at Heaven's Gate, he encounters St. Peter. St. Peter tells him: "Bill, because I like you, I'm doing you a special favour. I'm going to show you both Heaven and Hell, and then you yourself may decide where you would like to spend eternity." "All right", says Bill Gates, "Sounds good". So Peter shows him Heaven first. Bill looks around him and sees many rather dull clouds on which a few rather boring people spend an eternity singing psalms and praising the Lord and doing rather dull stuff. After this, they go to Hell. Bill sees a big party, with all kinds of beautiful women and all the pleasures he could imagine. Peter asks: "So, where would you like to stay?" "Well," says Bill, "I rather like the sight of Hell, so I think I'll stay here." "All right", says Peter, "I leave you be then. I'll check up on you in about a week to see how it's going."
A week later, St. Peter returns to Bill Gates in Hell and asks: "And, how do you like it?" "It's horrible!", says Bill Gates, "It's awfully hot and people keep hurting me and burning me and little devils prod me with little pitchforks. It's not like you showed me at all!!" "Ah", says St. Peter. "But that was only a demo."
Here I stand foot in hand...talkin to my wall....I'm not quite right at all...am I?

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