Joke thread
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Worthy4England
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Re: Joke thread
Me too, where were the fckin mushrooms?Burnden Paddock wrote:I'm on holiday in France at the moment. This morning I ordered mushrooms on toast.
After all, it is the breakfast of champignons!
Re: Joke thread
Thanks to those who helped me find the English translation of ‘mucho’. It means a lot.
...
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Lost Leopard Spot
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Re: Joke thread
Oi, supposed to be a joke thread...LeverEnd wrote:Thanks to those who helped me find the English translation of ‘mucho’. It means a lot.
That's not a leopard!
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clapton is god
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Re: Joke thread
The storm currently battering the south was chillingly forewarned by John Lennon in 1971 when he wrote "Imogen there's no Devon."
Re: Joke thread
Korean meatballs, it's the dog's bollocks.
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Worthy4England
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Re: Joke thread
You are officially a bad person. Shopping with the Mrs. She: "Is there anything else we need." Me: "Yes, Korean meatballs".....Enoch wrote:Korean meatballs, it's the dog's bollocks.
Re: Joke thread
Happy to help.
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bobo the clown
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Re: Joke thread
Complaints to the Council by council tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
Not advocating mass-murder as an entirely positive experience, of course, but it had its moments.
"I understand you are a very good footballer" ... "I try".
"I understand you are a very good footballer" ... "I try".
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Burnden Paddock
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Re: Joke thread
No idea. But I believe that he placed the advert for the English teacher!Bijou Bob wrote:How many of those has LE applied for then?!
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clapton is god
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Re: Joke thread
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!’
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best toast of the night’ She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’ John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.’ ‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’ She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best toast of the night’ She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’ John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.’ ‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’ She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears'
Re: Joke thread
with thanks to the legendary Ste Kearney...
Man takes his dog to the sculptors and said "Ah want thi' to sculpt me dog in Gold in a natural pose"
Sculptor says "Does tha' want it 18 carat?"
Man says "No, I want it chewin' a bone..."
Man takes his dog to the sculptors and said "Ah want thi' to sculpt me dog in Gold in a natural pose"
Sculptor says "Does tha' want it 18 carat?"
Man says "No, I want it chewin' a bone..."
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clapton is god
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Re: Joke thread
...and in a similar dialect kind of way:
A man says to the Bolton vet " I want me cat doctoring."
The vet asks 'Is it a tom?
"No, I've brought it with me."
A man says to the Bolton vet " I want me cat doctoring."
The vet asks 'Is it a tom?
"No, I've brought it with me."
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TANGODANCER
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Re: Joke thread
^^ We really are scraping barrels here aren't we... 
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
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Lost Leopard Spot
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Re: Joke thread
Yes. Tell them to stop it.TANGODANCER wrote:^^ We really are scraping barrels here aren't we...
That's not a leopard!
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