International Commentary 'errors' and downright f*ck ups

Batman · Post by **Batman** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 3:24 pm

Not Even Graeme Le Saux Was Capable Of This
From Canadian TV's coverage of Mexico v Iran:

Anchorman: "Craig, how will the Mexican goalkeeper approach this game, given what's happened to him this week?"

Craig Forrest: "Well, his father passed away on Thursday - he'll be disappointed with that..."

What The Rest Of The World Is Saying
From ESPN's coverage of Portugal vs Angola:

"Portugal, a nation of just over 10 million, it's capital is Lesbian...erm, I mean Lisbon."

No wonder it's such a popular holiday destination.

What The Rest Of The World Is Saying, Part Two
From ABC's commentary of England v Paraguay:

"There can't be a player with more hype surrounding them than Michael Beckham."

Ireland Calling
Ireland may not have been busy in Germany but the good news is that Eamon Dunphy, Mediawatch's favourite salivating Irish madman and pseudo-philosopher, has been:

On the Czechs' victory over the U.S: "They're lucky they haven't got any oil or they'd be invaded tomorrow."

On Harry Kewell's latest non-performance: "He should have been whipped off at half-time for an early bath. And the bath should have been filled with boiling water."

On the secret behind greatness: "Democracy is an enemy of football - poverty and dictatorships are what you need to produce great footballers."

Germany Calling
Gabby Logan isn't just a pretty face, as demonstrated in her highbrow column for The Times:

'Hamburg gave me the best anecdotal evidence yet that the German passion for efficiency is alive and well. As I crossed the road waiting for the red man to turn green, I noticed a clock ticking down at the side. It was a timer to let you know how long you'd have to wait before you could cross the road. You know, for all those occasions when you wonder whether you'd have time to tie a shoelace, make a phone call or find a cure for cancer before it was your turn to cross, now you know exactly.

'If you are contemplating a dash across the road when the man is still green, the timer could save your life. With just eight seconds to go, is it really worth legging it across the road and possibly not living to see your family grow up? My head was buzzing as the timer sparked off all kinds of questions: is it any wonder this country has given us Goethe and Kant?'

The German Sense Of Humour
Germany has also given us Marcus Merk, the nation's refereeing representative at the tournament. Is it too much to ask that that gets to referee England before the end of the tournament and books Rio Ferdinand before announcing that he's "been Merked" in the ridiculous style that we became accustomed to during the World Cup Wind Ups?

Marching All Over The World
The two England fans arrested in Frankfurt on Saturday after painting swastikas on their bodies have been released, although all visitors have been reminded by police that the Nazi salute and the goose step will not be tolerated. "This simply is a criminal act in Germany," a spokesman declared.

Far better, apparently, to try it out in Poland, Czechoslovakia, Hungary, Austria, Belgium, France...

Making Friends, German-Style
As befits Germany '06's motto of 'A Time To Make Friends', the nation's leading newspaper, Bild, has painted a highly-flattering portrait of the Beckham family.

While the England captain's mother apparently looks like "a peasant", sister Joanne was described thus: "Dear me, she is chubby. Arms, bust, bum, all very British. Joanne is the sort of girl who drinks sangria on the beach in Majorca. And then dances on a table with her top off."

His two children, Brooklyn and Romeo, were described as "dwarves".

Regular readers may recall that Bild was the newspaper that reacted with mystifying outrage after The Sun and Daily Star published pictures of the German chancellor's saggy and naked bottom in April.

"The English are mocking our Chancellor", it railed, before asked: "Where does this hatred come from? You are rotten to the core."

Wish You Weren't Here
So far, there have been ten times more arrests in Blighty due to World Cup aggro than there has been in Germany.

Anyone else beginning to suspect that those banning orders and confiscated passports weren't such a good idea, after all?

Childish Giggle Of The Day
From the back-page headline of Monday's 'Standard Lite'

'Walcott Creamed By Wayne Rooney Tackle'

No wonder he calls himself 'The Big Man'...

Rumour Of The Day
'Football fans watching the World Cup at work could land their employers with a £1,000 fine from TV licensing authorities.. A spokeswoman for TV Licensing, which is operated by London congestion charge firm Capita, said it would be "ringing on the doors" of companies it suspected did not have a TV licence during the World Cup' - The Independent.

Runner-Up
'Plans to screen all of England's World Cup matches on big screens in London and Liverpool as part of a BBC-led initiative were abandoned yesterday in the wake of drunken violence during showings of the first game at the weekend' - The Guardian.

Football-Related Rumour Of The Day
'Signal workers' unions have called two 24-hour strikes which will virtually close the rail network and prevent commuters getting home to see an England World Cup game. The first stoppage is due to begin at 1pm next Tuesday, seven hours before England kick off against Sweden in their final group match' - The Independent.

Non-Football Rumour Of The Day
'Civil servants on Tyneside are under investigation amid allegations staff romped around naked in offices and had sex in toilets. One person at the Rural Payments Agency (RPA) in Newcastle has been sacked after officials began an investigation. The antics emerged after some members of staff were caught on CCTV cameras The agency said it was investigating claims that staff leapt naked from filing cabinets, had sex in office toilets, held break-dancing competitions during working hours and fought in a reception area' - The Daily Telegraph. John Prescott refused to comment.

Retrospective Rumour Of The Day
'Contrary to recent reports in a Sunday compact newspaper, Celtic midfielder Roy Keane has decided that he will play on for at least one more season. The midfielder this week telephoned Peter Lawwell from his holiday in Barbados to tell the Celtic chief executive that he would be honouring the remaining year of his contract' - Scotland on Sunday, June 11.

Quote Of The Day
"It was a worry to pick up a booking, but I'm not going to change my game, although I may have to adapt it a bit" - Peter Crouch.

hisroyalgingerness · Post by **hisroyalgingerness** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 3:33 pm

i'm sick of ITV's big sam bashing (southgate is shit by the way):

southgate: some slightly derogatry comment in the direction of an official
commentator: (chuckles), careful there gareth, they'll have you down the FA on a charge for comments like that. Ask sam, he knows the way

Bruce Rioja · Post by **Bruce Rioja** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:17 pm

I'm expecting to hear the embarrassingly sycophantic pair of Motson and Lawrenson both orgasm any second now. I'm cringing listening to them reach previously unchartered depths of obsequiousness when referring to the Brazilians.

Just one of Motson's lines. "And it's a corner to Brazil. Do Brazil bother with corners? Well I suppose they have to". Where on Earth is your self-respect you toadying git?

Batman · Post by **Batman** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:19 pm

I have only just noticed Colin Todd is having a sly drink

americantrotter · Post by **americantrotter** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:23 pm

ESPN. "He stood no chance of getting to that 50-50 ball, that's why he commited the foul"

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:25 pm

Batman wrote:Not Even Graeme Le Saux Was Capable Of This
From Canadian TV's coverage of Mexico v Iran:

Anchorman: "Craig, how will the Mexican goalkeeper approach this game, given what's happened to him this week?"

Craig Forrest: "Well, his father passed away on Thursday - he'll be disappointed with that..."

Fortunately our commentators and colourmen only come on at half-time, and we get the ITV commentary for the game. Poor Craig probably got shell-shocked playing goal for Canada, not to mention Ipswich and West Ham. He does know more than the host, Vic Rauter, but not as much as the third member of the triumvirate, Dick Howard. It's a pretty gruesome half-time show as a rule.

Dr Hotdog · Post by **Dr Hotdog** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:41 pm

Motson is making me sick. Didar, Kakar. what a prick, it's embarrasing for the BBC who have all these relatively young pundits in the studio and then this senile grandad pontificating like a bastard with a mic to his mush.

seriously, Motson and Lawrenson are just waiting for the picture book Brazil goal so they can go nuts and say something uselessly profound.

i don't have digital so i can't change it about a bit.

Batman · Post by **Batman** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:48 pm

Lineker has his dad's best shirt on too.

Little Green Man · Post by **Little Green Man** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:51 pm

Dr Hotdog wrote: seriously, Motson and Lawrenson are just waiting for the picture book Brazil goal so they can go nuts and say something uselessly profound.

You got your wish Dr H. Lawro had barely got 'disappointed of Berlin' of his tashless gob and he was creaming his kecks.

keveh · Post by **keveh** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 9:17 pm

Batman makes the over statement of the year

"World Cup starts properly when Brazil play their first game."

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 9:58 pm

Little Green Man wrote:
Dr Hotdog wrote: seriously, Motson and Lawrenson are just waiting for the picture book Brazil goal so they can go nuts and say something uselessly profound.
You got your wish Dr H. Lawro had barely got 'disappointed of Berlin' of his tashless gob and he was creaming his kecks.

Just out of curiosity, how does one cream ones kecks?

Bruce Rioja · Post by **Bruce Rioja** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 10:05 pm

Montreal Wanderer wrote:Just out of curiosity, how does one cream ones kecks?

Well you could start by having a quick shuffty through Sorinth's DVD collection, Monty!

Batman · Post by **Batman** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 10:11 pm

keveh wrote:Batman makes the over statement of the year

"World Cup starts properly when Brazil play their first game."

Bruce Rioja · Post by **Bruce Rioja** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 10:19 pm

Batman wrote:I have only just noticed Colin Todd is having a sly drink

I think you'll find that it's Bruce, with a half bottle of......................... oh, never mind.

Little Green Man · Post by **Little Green Man** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 10:24 pm

Montreal Wanderer wrote:
Little Green Man wrote:
Dr Hotdog wrote: seriously, Motson and Lawrenson are just waiting for the picture book Brazil goal so they can go nuts and say something uselessly profound.
You got your wish Dr H. Lawro had barely got 'disappointed of Berlin' of his tashless gob and he was creaming his kecks.
Just out of curiosity, how does one cream ones kecks?

Oh, lordy! I'm assuming you didn't understand the expression rather than how to achieve said outcome. Kecks are trousers. I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 12:58 am

Little Green Man wrote:
Montreal Wanderer wrote:
Little Green Man wrote:
Dr Hotdog wrote: seriously, Motson and Lawrenson are just waiting for the picture book Brazil goal so they can go nuts and say something uselessly profound.
You got your wish Dr H. Lawro had barely got 'disappointed of Berlin' of his tashless gob and he was creaming his kecks.
Just out of curiosity, how does one cream ones kecks?
Oh, lordy! I'm assuming you didn't understand the expression rather than how to achieve said outcome. Kecks are trousers. I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

Oh, I see. Well, possibly. And yes, I didn't understand the expression and at my age I no longer have that kind of imagination.

hisroyalgingerness · Post by **hisroyalgingerness** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 8:47 am

the mirror have picked up on this, and i'm glad cos it confused me. when swedish fans were booing T&T players, southgate the personality-less prick goes "i don't know why they're booing, they don't realise that when they don't have the ball this is how quick the Trinidad players move"

what

the

feck

good luck boro fans, you'll be tearing up your tickets by october this year with inspirational stuff like that pouring from his arse, i mean mouth

boltonboris · Post by **boltonboris** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 1:00 pm

Montreal Wanderer wrote:
Little Green Man wrote:
Montreal Wanderer wrote:
Little Green Man wrote:
Dr Hotdog wrote: seriously, Motson and Lawrenson are just waiting for the picture book Brazil goal so they can go nuts and say something uselessly profound.
You got your wish Dr H. Lawro had barely got 'disappointed of Berlin' of his tashless gob and he was creaming his kecks.
Just out of curiosity, how does one cream ones kecks?
Oh, lordy! I'm assuming you didn't understand the expression rather than how to achieve said outcome. Kecks are trousers. I'll leave the rest to your imagination.
Oh, I see. Well, possibly. And yes, I didn't understand the expression and at my age I no longer have that kind of imagination.

Or abilit to do so!!!

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 2:20 pm

boltonboris wrote:
Montreal Wanderer wrote:
Little Green Man wrote:
Montreal Wanderer wrote:
Little Green Man wrote: You got your wish Dr H. Lawro had barely got 'disappointed of Berlin' of his tashless gob and he was creaming his kecks.
Just out of curiosity, how does one cream ones kecks?
Oh, lordy! I'm assuming you didn't understand the expression rather than how to achieve said outcome. Kecks are trousers. I'll leave the rest to your imagination.
Oh, I see. Well, possibly. And yes, I didn't understand the expression and at my age I no longer have that kind of imagination.
Or abilit to do so!!!

Well, certainly not spontaneously. Even without "kecks" it takes more time and effort these days.

communistworkethic · Post by **communistworkethic** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 2:22 pm

Montreal Wanderer wrote:
boltonboris wrote:
Montreal Wanderer wrote:
Little Green Man wrote:
Montreal Wanderer wrote: Just out of curiosity, how does one cream ones kecks?
Oh, lordy! I'm assuming you didn't understand the expression rather than how to achieve said outcome. Kecks are trousers. I'll leave the rest to your imagination.
Oh, I see. Well, possibly. And yes, I didn't understand the expression and at my age I no longer have that kind of imagination.
Or abilit to do so!!!
Well, certainly not spontaneously. Even without "kecks" it takes more time and effort these days.

For the love of God!! That's not an image I need implanting in my mind!