Joke thread
Moderator: Zulus Thousand of em
Re: Joke thread
Took my hearing aid in for repair a couple of weeks ago
Haven't heard a thing since
Haven't heard a thing since
- Lost Leopard Spot
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Re: Joke thread
I've just visited Holland. No wonder the Nazis found Anne Franck, there are signposts directing you to her house all over Amsterdam...
That's not a leopard!
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- TANGODANCER
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Re: Joke thread
I went to buy records by Manfred Mann. They had none. .
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
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Re: Joke thread
Some bloke stopped me in the street the other day..
"Excuse me, you have ginger hair - So I want to ask you a simple question, If you have 7 girls' numbers in 1 pocket and 5 girls' numbers in the other, what do you have"
Obviously, I said "12 girls' numbers"
He said "No, you have somebody else's pants you ginger tw@t"
"Excuse me, you have ginger hair - So I want to ask you a simple question, If you have 7 girls' numbers in 1 pocket and 5 girls' numbers in the other, what do you have"
Obviously, I said "12 girls' numbers"
He said "No, you have somebody else's pants you ginger tw@t"
"I've got the ball now. It's a bit worn, but I've got it"
Re: Joke thread
Just heard my mate 's passed out on the London Eye!
I'm told he's slowly coming round.
I'm told he's slowly coming round.
Re: Joke thread
Had a date yesterday with a lovely girl that works at the zoo.
Think she's a keeper.
Think she's a keeper.
- Lost Leopard Spot
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Re: Joke thread
[From the Fringe]
I keep randomly shouting out 'cauliflower', 'broccoli' - I think I've got Flourettes.
I keep randomly shouting out 'cauliflower', 'broccoli' - I think I've got Flourettes.
That's not a leopard!
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- TANGODANCER
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Re: Joke thread
Who but you would post that at eight 0' clock in the morning...?Lost Leopard Spot wrote: ↑Mon Aug 19, 2019 9:00 am[From the Fringe]
I keep randomly shouting out 'cauliflower', 'broccoli' - I think I've got Flourettes.
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
- Gary the Enfield
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Re: Joke thread
I thought taking my pet snail's shell off would make him go faster.......unfortunately he just became more sluggish.
- Lost Leopard Spot
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Re: Joke thread
G Roan.Gary the Enfield wrote: ↑Mon Aug 19, 2019 4:05 pmI thought taking my pet snail's shell off would make him go faster.......unfortunately he just became more sluggish.
That's not a leopard!
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Re: Joke thread
The inventor of sexual innuendo passed away today.
His wife is taking it really hard.
His wife is taking it really hard.
- Bruce Rioja
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Re: Joke thread
Relaxing in the garden yesterday when all of a sudden an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked in. I said "Is this a joke?"
May the bridges I burn light your way
Re: Joke thread
You've got to love the Irish Mammy!
Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Paddy's flat mate, Joanne, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Young Paddy volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.
About a week later, Joanne came to young Paddy saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you??
'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy.
So he sat down and wrote
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.?
LOVE PADDY
Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read
DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!
LOVE MAM.
Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Paddy's flat mate, Joanne, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Young Paddy volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.
About a week later, Joanne came to young Paddy saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you??
'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy.
So he sat down and wrote
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.?
LOVE PADDY
Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read
DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!
LOVE MAM.
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Re: Joke thread
What's red and lives in a tree
A sanitary owl
A sanitary owl
"I've got the ball now. It's a bit worn, but I've got it"
Re: Joke thread
Good news
Despite Bruce being sacked as Newcastle manger the new owners had the decency to award an £8 million pay off.
Bad News
He has to go to the Saudi embassy to collect the cheque.
Despite Bruce being sacked as Newcastle manger the new owners had the decency to award an £8 million pay off.
Bad News
He has to go to the Saudi embassy to collect the cheque.
- Worthy4England
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Re: Joke thread
Ego and Superego walk into a bar.
Barman says "I need to see some ID"
(Well it had me laughing)
Barman says "I need to see some ID"
(Well it had me laughing)
- Dujon
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Re: Joke thread
*Groans*
- Worthy4England
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Re: Joke thread
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
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