Joke thread

If you have a life outside of BWFC, then this is the place to tell us all about your toilet habits, and those bizarre fetishes.......

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Little Green Man
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Little Green Man » Sat Apr 09, 2016 10:54 am

Worthy4England wrote:
clapton is god wrote:Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Heathrow.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."
:lol: :lol:

Think last time I heard this it was Helmut Kohl, so I'd forgot it...
It was Benjamin Netanyahu when I first heard it. A bit odd, because he's not German.
Ane godles, drunkin and deboshit man.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Hoboh » Mon Apr 11, 2016 10:07 am

Q. What's the quickest way to see a British junior doctor?
A. Have a car crash in Sydney.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Montreal Wanderer » Fri Apr 15, 2016 5:56 pm

A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.

So, he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto:

'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again, she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says:

'What the f*** do you want?'

'Ah ha!' he says

"Air Canada".
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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Re: Joke thread

Post by thebish » Tue Apr 19, 2016 5:35 pm

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'…
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Burnden Paddock » Tue Apr 19, 2016 8:32 pm

Got a text from the wife saying that she's in casualty.
When I got home, I watched the full 50 minutes and never saw her once - she still hasn't come home yet and I'm starving!




Our wi-fi wasn't working last night, so I sat and chatted with the wife.
I was surprised to hear she no longer works at Woolworths!!

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Hoboh » Wed Apr 20, 2016 12:11 am

Burnden Paddock wrote:Got a text from the wife saying that she's in casualty.
When I got home, I watched the full 50 minutes and never saw her once - she still hasn't come home yet and I'm starving!




Our wi-fi wasn't working last night, so I sat and chatted with the wife.
I was surprised to hear she no longer works at Woolworths!!
:lol:

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Re: Joke thread

Post by thebish » Sun May 01, 2016 9:50 am

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Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Hoboh » Sun May 08, 2016 11:21 pm

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/m ... neighbours" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
Them and us: more cross-border barbs from Seignovert

Other Brits on the (tight-fisted) Scots:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are planning a party. “I’ll bring six pints of bitter,” says the Englishman. “I’ll bring six pints of Guinness,” says the Irishman. “I’ll bring six friends,” says the Scot.

The Belgians on the (parsimonious) Dutch:

Dutch husband to Dutch wife: “Put your coat on, dear.” “Why, darling, are we going out?” “No, I am. So I’ll just turn the heating off.”

The Portuguese on the (supercilious) Spanish:

“Dad,” says a Spanish boy to his father, “when I’m grown up I want to be just like you.” “That’s nice, son. Why?” “So I can have a son like me!”

The Italians on themselves:

Three reasons Jesus is an Italian: only an Italian son would live with his mama till he was 30. Only an Italian son could think his mama was still a virgin. Only an Italian mama could think her son was God.

The Belgians on the (arrogant) French:

Why did the French choose the cockerel as their national symbol? Because it’s the only animal that sings when it’s knee-deep in shit.

The Swedes on the (dim-witted) Norwegians:

Why do Norwegians have such greasy hair? They’ve let their oil go to their heads.

The Danes on the (overbearing) Swedes:

What’s the best ever thing to have come to us from Sweden? An empty ferry.

The Estonians on the (hard-drinking) Finns:

Two Finns meet up for the first time in years. “So how are you?” asks Pekka. Ahti grunts and orders a beer. “And how’s the family?” asks Pekka. Ahti grunts and orders another beer. “And how’s work?” asks Pekka, three pints later. “Look,” says Ahti, “did we come here to drink, or to talk?”

The Germans on the (thieving) Poles:

When is it Christmas in Poland? Two days after Christmas in Germany.

The Swiss on the (not very bright) Austrians:

Why is the Austrian flag red-white-red? So they don’t get too confused when they hoist it.

The Austrians on the (boring) Germans:

The main difference between Austrians and the Germans is that Germans would like to understand Austrians but can’t, and Austrians understand Germans but would rather not.

The Slovaks on the (despised) Czechs:

What does a Czech need to be happy? Not much, as long as everyone else has got less.

The Romanians on the (mean-spirited) Hungarians:

“I’ve had all the tests, and the doctor tells me there’s no question, I’m xenophobic. That’s another bloody illness the Hungarians have given me.”

The Ukrainians on the (filthy rich but stupid) Russians:

“I’ve just bought a tie for $3,000.” “Idiot! You could have bought the same one just down the street for $5,000.”

The Macedonians on the (corrupt) Greeks:

A Greek motorist parks his car outside the parliament in Athens. “You can’t park here,” says the cop. “This is where out politicians work.” “That’s OK,” says the motorist, “it’s fitted with an alarm.”

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Re: Joke thread

Post by thebish » Sat May 14, 2016 10:13 am

Image
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

LeverEnd
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Re: Joke thread

Post by LeverEnd » Sat May 28, 2016 11:45 pm

What's the difference between a lentil and chickpea?

I wouldn't pay £100 to have a lentil on my face.
Oh, but surely just for one day, we could fight and we could win
And if only for a little while, we could insist on the impossible...

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Andy Waller » Thu Jun 23, 2016 10:51 am

My wife has been really going on at me to stop pretending I'm a flamingo.

I've really had to put my foot down this time..
What a hero, What a man...... Ooooh, what a bad foul...

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Montreal Wanderer » Thu Jul 07, 2016 10:35 pm

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager.

The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

‘Canada, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

‘Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

‘No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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Re: Joke thread

Post by clapton is god » Fri Jul 08, 2016 9:40 am

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet's. The vet found that the problem was too much hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear again. The vet told Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

She bought a tube and at checkout the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days to avoid irritation."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
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Re: Joke thread

Post by thebish » Tue Jul 12, 2016 9:49 am

David Cameron whilst addressing over 300 MPs enjoying wine and spirits laid on by millionaire party chairman Lord Feldman said rather than wrote:A man moves to Lincolnshire, and is lonely until he gets a visit from a local farmer.

The farmer invites him to a party, but warns him there will be a lot of heavy drinking.

The man agrees that a bit of booze is likely to help lubricate the evening, and help him make friends.

The farmer warns there will probably be a lot of fighting, but that doesn’t deter the newcomer.

Finally, the farmer says the evening will probably end with “a lot of rough sex”, but the new arrival shrugs and supposes that’s as good a way as any to get to know people in the community.

As the farmer turns to head home, the the man asks him what he should wear.

The farmer says: “You can wear whatever you like, because it’ll just be you and me.
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by thebish » Sat Jul 16, 2016 11:54 am

Image
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Burnden Paddock » Tue Jul 26, 2016 1:36 pm

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid circus act has been deported.

We don't have Oleg to stand on.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by thebish » Wed Jul 27, 2016 8:28 pm

one for Bobo...

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Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by bobo the clown » Wed Jul 27, 2016 9:21 pm

No idea who yuu meent.
Not advocating mass-murder as an entirely positive experience, of course, but it had its moments.
"I understand you are a very good footballer" ... "I try".

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Re: Joke thread

Post by thebish » Wed Aug 10, 2016 1:53 pm

Image
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by thebish » Sun Aug 14, 2016 2:52 pm

Image
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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