Joke thread

If you have a life outside of BWFC, then this is the place to tell us all about your toilet habits, and those bizarre fetishes.......

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clapton is god
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Re: Joke thread

Post by clapton is god » Fri Dec 16, 2016 12:27 pm

I see the MD of Dulux Paint has died whilst on an arctic trek. Medics said he could've done with another coat.
http://www.davenewtonphotography.co.uk" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Worthy4England » Sat Dec 17, 2016 11:43 am

clapton is god wrote:I see the MD of Dulux Paint has died whilst on an arctic trek. Medics said he could've done with another coat.
:lol: :lol:

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Montreal Wanderer » Sat Dec 17, 2016 8:33 pm

At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says, "I need a favor. I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"

Irving is not very fond of the idea but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.
After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, "Irving what are you really up to"
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife, right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!!"
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Winter Hill White » Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:34 pm

Lazily C+P'd from a work email, so apologies if some already posted in the previous 180 odd pages.


A friend of mine has recently formed an Elbow tribute band. They've named themselves Ars* and I honestly can't tell the difference.


Me to Dr: I’ve hurt my pen!s in a surfing accident.
Dr: Did you fall off your board?
Me: No. I slammed my laptop shut when the wife walked in.


Some people call it anal bleaching, but I prefer to call it changing my ring tone.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Hoboh » Mon Jan 30, 2017 11:24 pm

Me to Dr: I’ve hurt my pen!s in a surfing accident.
Dr: Did you fall off your board?
Me: No. I slammed my laptop shut when the wife walked in.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Joke thread

Post by TANGODANCER » Fri Apr 14, 2017 12:52 pm

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Myself, when young, did eagerly frequent, Doctor and Saint and heard great argument
About it and about: but evermore, Came out by the same door wherein I went.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Always hopeful » Sat Apr 22, 2017 8:33 am

Every day I get knocked down by the same bike.

It's a vicious cycle.
Hope is what keeps us going.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Gary the Enfield » Sat Apr 22, 2017 12:40 pm

Just been prescribed an anti-gloating cream.

Can't wait to rub it in.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Montreal Wanderer » Wed May 03, 2017 12:46 pm

How I Nearly Became A Doctor

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam
to go to Medical School .

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS" into the name of
an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered "spine" are doctors today.

The rest of us are sending jokes by email.
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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Re: Joke thread

Post by TANGODANCER » Tue Aug 22, 2017 12:56 pm

Old but good Jerry Lewis joke:

"I went to see my psychiatrist and he said I had a split personality. He gave me a bill for 82$. I gave him 41$ and told him to get the rest off the other guy...
Myself, when young, did eagerly frequent, Doctor and Saint and heard great argument
About it and about: but evermore, Came out by the same door wherein I went.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Lost Leopard Spot » Tue Aug 22, 2017 2:18 pm

Ok, so you want old ones...

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
“Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.”
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Re: Joke thread

Post by boltonboris » Tue Aug 22, 2017 2:33 pm

I said to the baker, "How come all your cakes are 50p & that one's £1?"

He said, "That's Madeira cake"
"I've got the ball now. It's a bit worn, but I've got it"

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Lost Leopard Spot » Tue Aug 22, 2017 2:36 pm

Two snare drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

... badum, tish
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Lost Leopard Spot » Tue Aug 22, 2017 2:38 pm

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day. I couldn't find any...
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Re: Joke thread

Post by TANGODANCER » Tue Aug 22, 2017 2:44 pm

I might end up sorry I resurrected this thread... :wink:
Myself, when young, did eagerly frequent, Doctor and Saint and heard great argument
About it and about: but evermore, Came out by the same door wherein I went.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Lost Leopard Spot » Tue Aug 22, 2017 5:31 pm

The UN has released a report stating that research shows that social media usage will eliminate world literacy within a generation.
What can I say? except... :(
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Prufrock » Tue Aug 22, 2017 7:03 pm

Positively fresh (shamelessly stolen) material^
Basically, if you can't make your meaning plain with all the richness of the English language and you have to resort to cartoon faces made with punctuation marks then you're a dick.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Lost Leopard Spot » Tue Aug 22, 2017 8:27 pm

Prufrock wrote:
Tue Aug 22, 2017 7:03 pm
Positively fresh (shamelessly stolen) material^
Got it straight off an email from a friend... :conf: I've never pretended any joke I've ever posted/told was invented by me. Have you?
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Re: Joke thread

Post by LeverEnd » Wed Aug 23, 2017 7:55 am

I said to the baker, "How come all your cakes are 50p & that one's £1?"

He said, "That's Madeira cake"

(Source: my mate, the internet 2017)
Oh, but surely just for one day, we could fight and we could win
And if only for a little while, we could insist on the impossible...

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Montreal Wanderer » Wed Aug 23, 2017 2:09 pm

LeverEnd wrote:
Wed Aug 23, 2017 7:55 am
I said to the baker, "How come all your cakes are 50p & that one's £1?"

He said, "That's Madeira cake"

(Source: my mate, the internet 2017)
My source was Bolton Boris a couple of jokes up....
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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