"Come on, Mr Knight, I never touched him!"

"Reebok service second to none."

OR

"Is is half time yet?"

OR

"Now I know what full time means."

"Get in!"

My dearest Simbo, I really should leave this to Mar, but I was most saddened to hear of your latest with your latest and simply am unable to help myself. When will you women learn? As someone famous once said (can't remember who it was; was it me?) a woman's place is in the kitchen. My place - as a ...

From THE GAURNIAD:

"Welcome to our new 'Spot the Ball' competition."

Do not despair, dioufs nbr 1 fan, the rest of them are probably trying to work out how to 'vote' in txt.

I have no idea as to where we'll land at the end of the coming season. It's just too hard. Last season our strength was our consistent results both home and away (we were fourth on away results but around eighth on home points). Can we hold to that? Norwich had a half decent season at home; their aw...

OK: seconds to the opposite corner, please. Sharp objects such as strap hardware, locking devices and other protuberances will be penalised one point per round. Handbags shall be made of soft leather or crocodile skin sans teeth. Straps must stay on the shoulder but may be elastic. Flame throwers ar...

'Lo to the refugees. I hope you hang around. I've never used 606 so have no idea as to what you're on about; from the sound of it perhaps that's just as well. There's a few 'over fifties' on here, Zulu, so you're not alone. Mind you it's a bit lonely here at the top of the pile - there's only a few ...

I didn't really need to know.

When I saw "Cow & Gate" I thought you were having us all on; but it's a real company. They also seem to have broken the rules when it comes to describing the contents of their baby formala product. They are not alone in this.

Anyhooooo, breast feeding sucks.

Well, err, um *cough-splutter*.

The years don't go back far enough for me!