Joke thread
Moderator: Zulus Thousand of em
A woman had recently completed a series of golf lessons and was playing her first round of golf with friends when early on into the round she suffered a rather nasty bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided she had no choice but to return to the clubhouse for medical attention.
Her golf pro saw her entering the clubhouse and asked, ''Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?''
''I was stung by a bee'', she said.
''Where?'', he asked.
''Between the first and second hole'', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, ''Well then, your stance is probably too wide.''
Her pain was so intense that she decided she had no choice but to return to the clubhouse for medical attention.
Her golf pro saw her entering the clubhouse and asked, ''Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?''
''I was stung by a bee'', she said.
''Where?'', he asked.
''Between the first and second hole'', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, ''Well then, your stance is probably too wide.''
A very unattractive, mean acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two
kids. After shoving her way past several customers waiting to get
carts, she says to the Wal-Mart greeter, "Go through those carts and
find me one that doesn't need oiling for once!"
"Yes Ma'am, happy to oblige," says the Greeter, and goes and picks out
a cart for her. "Here you are, Ma'am, hope this one is okay," he says.
"If you'd get out of my way, maybe I could find out!" snaps the woman.
"Sorry, Ma'am," the Greeter says, standing aside, "And you and the
twins have a nice day."
The woman snarls, "They're not twins, you moron! They don't even look
alike."
The greeter smiles, "No they don't Ma'am. I just couldn't believe you
got laid twice."
kids. After shoving her way past several customers waiting to get
carts, she says to the Wal-Mart greeter, "Go through those carts and
find me one that doesn't need oiling for once!"
"Yes Ma'am, happy to oblige," says the Greeter, and goes and picks out
a cart for her. "Here you are, Ma'am, hope this one is okay," he says.
"If you'd get out of my way, maybe I could find out!" snaps the woman.
"Sorry, Ma'am," the Greeter says, standing aside, "And you and the
twins have a nice day."
The woman snarls, "They're not twins, you moron! They don't even look
alike."
The greeter smiles, "No they don't Ma'am. I just couldn't believe you
got laid twice."
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CrazyHorse
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warthog
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- Location: Nearer to Ewood Park than I like
A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.
While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt
and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I
would like this for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the
head and says, "Go talk to your mother."
So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in
hand and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like
this shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head
twice and says, "Go talk to your father."
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like
this shirt for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4
times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading
towards home.
The father turns to his son and says;
"Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes dad I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and
already I hate you German Bastards".
While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt
and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I
would like this for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the
head and says, "Go talk to your mother."
So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in
hand and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like
this shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head
twice and says, "Go talk to your father."
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like
this shirt for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4
times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading
towards home.
The father turns to his son and says;
"Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes dad I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and
already I hate you German Bastards".
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superjohnmcginlay
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Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen eating their packed lunches.
Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get Tapas one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium."
Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham & Cheese again. If I get a Ham & Cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his death.
Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
Beckham opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"
Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the skinny bint wearing oversized sun glasses and baseball cap. "Hey, don't look at me," said Posh, "David makes his own lunch."
Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get Tapas one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium."
Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham & Cheese again. If I get a Ham & Cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his death.
Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
Beckham opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"
Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the skinny bint wearing oversized sun glasses and baseball cap. "Hey, don't look at me," said Posh, "David makes his own lunch."
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Montreal Wanderer
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Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?"
Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."
God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.
He then turns to Luis Figo , "and you, Luis , what do you believe?"
Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his
right.
Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "and you, Wayne , what do you
believe?"
"I believe" says Rooney "you're sitting in my seat."
Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?"
Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."
God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.
He then turns to Luis Figo , "and you, Luis , what do you believe?"
Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his
right.
Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "and you, Wayne , what do you
believe?"
"I believe" says Rooney "you're sitting in my seat."
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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Montreal Wanderer
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- Joined: Thu May 26, 2005 12:45 am
- Location: Montreal, Canada
An English Usage lesson
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is
unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his
doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to
work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said,
he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a
flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only
use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,'
and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I
don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has
to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -
it will not work again for another year."
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and
prowess.
That night he is ready to surprise Gertie. He showers,
shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He
gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He
suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life
- just as the medicine man had promised.
Gertie, who had been facing away, turns over and asks,
"What did you say 123 for?"
And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with
a preposition.
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is
unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his
doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to
work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said,
he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a
flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only
use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,'
and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I
don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has
to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -
it will not work again for another year."
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and
prowess.
That night he is ready to surprise Gertie. He showers,
shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He
gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He
suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life
- just as the medicine man had promised.
Gertie, who had been facing away, turns over and asks,
"What did you say 123 for?"
And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with
a preposition.
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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communistworkethic
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- Contact:
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Zulus Thousand of em
- Icon
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Montreal Wanderer
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- Posts: 12948
- Joined: Thu May 26, 2005 12:45 am
- Location: Montreal, Canada
Poppituppa I think but I'd get him to change the code words.Zulus! Thousands of 'em! wrote:What was the name of that medicine man again, Monty? Not that I need him of course, but I have a friend err...
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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InsaneApache
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- Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2004 6:44 pm
- Location: Up, around the bend...
Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she
spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.
Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo,
struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white
tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat
along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.
On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and
said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth
and knows everything about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows naff all about shark fishing. How's
the bait holding up?"
spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.
Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo,
struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white
tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat
along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.
On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and
said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth
and knows everything about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows naff all about shark fishing. How's
the bait holding up?"
Here I stand foot in hand...talkin to my wall....I'm not quite right at all...am I?
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Electric Gretar
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Electric Gretar
- Hopeful
- Posts: 33
- Joined: Tue Apr 25, 2006 2:41 pm
Teacher to class "Right what do your dads do at weekends"?
Little Jack replies "My dad is a dancer in a gay bar and he sometimes, if the money is right he lets men bang his arse and come in his mouth".
Teacher pulls jack to one side "Is this true"?
"No Miss" says jack "Truth is he goes to watch Man Utd on saturdays but i was too ashamed to say".
Little Jack replies "My dad is a dancer in a gay bar and he sometimes, if the money is right he lets men bang his arse and come in his mouth".
Teacher pulls jack to one side "Is this true"?
"No Miss" says jack "Truth is he goes to watch Man Utd on saturdays but i was too ashamed to say".
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CrazyHorse
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Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well! I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground."
I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
"Well! I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground."
I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
Businesswoman of the year.
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white blood
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- Joined: Tue Nov 08, 2005 2:10 pm
A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from?" she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: ...........................
"And Tigger?"
"Where does poo come from?" she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: ...........................
"And Tigger?"
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Steve_Agnews_Last_Tooth
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- Location: Sunderland
- Contact:
white blood wrote:A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from?" she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: ...........................
"And Tigger?"
I get it!
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white blood
- Promising
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CrazyHorse
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- Posts: 10572
- Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2005 2:51 pm
- Location: Up above the streets and houses
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door,
then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law
laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no
end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and
ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch
waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so
provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law
laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no
end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and
ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch
waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so
provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
Businesswoman of the year.
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