Joke thread

[Batman]

Crap Jokes: Sick: Gone Fishing


It's a nice sunny day so Jim decides to go fishing at his usual spot
at a local river. Taking up his usual place, he is surprised to see
another guy sitting on the opposite side of the river. When Jim leaves
that evening the stranger is still sitting there.

When Jim comes back early the next morning, the stranger is there
again and is still fishing when Jim leaves at night.

This happens for a few days until Jim can't contain his curiosity any
more. He walks up to the stranger and says, "Excuse me, I can't help
noticing that every morning when I arrive you are sitting there, and
you're still there when I leave every night. Don't you have a home to
go to?"

"I'm on my honeymoon," replies the stranger. "My wife is in that log
cabin up there on the hillside."

"Shouldn't you be up there screwing her then?" says Jim.

"I can't. She's got gonorrhea," says the stranger.

"What about doing it in her tradesman's entrance?"

"Can't. She's got diarrhoea."

"Well, couldn't you get her to give you a blowjob?"

"Nope. She's got pyorrhea."

"That's terrible," says Jim. "Why did you marry her then?"

"For the maggots."

[warthog]

>
>
> This chap was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
>
> So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
>
> After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use as its house.
>
> He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and then decided it would be nice to start the relationship off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink.
>
> So he asked the centipede in the box,
>
> "Would you like to go to the local with me and have a beer?"
>
> But there was no answer from his new pet.
>
> This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
>
> "How about going to the pub and having a drink with me?"
>
> but again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
>
> So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
>
> He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
>
> "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the Feathers and have a drink with me?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >A little voice came out of the box:...........
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > " I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f***ing shoes on !! "

[Electric Gretar]

What do Richard Hammond and Elton John have in common????



They both have skidmarks on their helmets.

[white blood]

Little Timmy is playing in the garden when his ball rolls into a rose bush.
When he goes to retrieve it he pricks his finger on a thorn.

“mummy mummy, I have caught my hand on the rose bush”

“it’ll be ok Timmy, we’ll put a plaster on it for you”

“no, I want to dip in some cider”

“cider? Don’t be silly, where on earth did you get that idea?”

“well the other night I heard my sister say whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she always puts it in cider!”

[Loyal White]

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?





----------

Slow down and use lubricant!

[Loyal White]

Beckham, Robinho and Van Nistelrooy are on the roof of a burning building in Barcelona. The fire brigade turn up and shout up to the three players "sorry guys, the stairways are blocked, the lifts aren't working and our ladders aren't long enough - the only way for you to get down is to jump off the roof - but don't worry, we'll catch you in this blanket..."

Robinho turns to the other two, advises that he is the youngest and so he should be saved first. He jumps off the roof aiming for the blanket. However at the very last season, the fire bridage move the blanket out of the way and poor Robinho meets his maker on the concrete.

Happily, the fire bridage turn to each other and smile, having killed one of Real Madrids best players. However they shout up to Beckham and Horseface "sorry guys, we just miss-judged his jump, don't worry we've got it sorted for you two, we'll save you..."

Nistelrooy turns to Beckham and says he's going next, he's worried about what happened to Robinho, but there is no other way he's getting from this building, so he jumps off also. Again, however, the fire bridage move the blanket at the very last second and Nistelrooy goes splat on the pavement.

The Barcelona fire bridage - happy about killing 2 of Real Madrid's best players then shout up to Beckham... "sorry Dave mate, we mis-judged again, but don't worry - we've definately got it now, you'll be fine"...

Beckham however senses what has happened to his two former team mates and replies...











"Oi you lot - I know your game - put the blanket on the floor and step away!"

[Batman]

I went to the supermarket and saw a man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said 'Are you two an item'

[knobpolisher]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing s*xual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having s*x tonight either....but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her!

[knobpolisher]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing s*xual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having s*x tonight either....but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her!

[Backgammon]

Two piles of sick were sliding down the street.

Suddenly one pile stops and starts crying.

"What's wrong with you?" Says the first sick puddle..

"I can't help it" the pile replied. "I was brought up round here".

[knobpolisher]

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said

"I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at
the same time".

The wife thought for a few moments, then said

"Your cock's bigger than your brother's".

[David Lee's Hair]

Just been emailed this

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost".

[blurred]

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks
his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them,
and then runs back to his master.

"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"

"40," replies the dog.

"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"

"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

[InsaneApache]

I'll help you find your coat.

[Soldier_Of_The_White_Army]

How many TW members can you fit in a taxi?






None of them, there all to busy banging on about God again

[CrazyHorse]

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks
his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them,
and then runs back to his master.

"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"

"40," replies the dog.

"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"

"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

My kind of joke! Pure Gold!

[communistworkethic]

General Custer is standing over the Little Big Horn, in the distance he can hear Sitting Bull's braves the pounding on drums.

He turns to a geordie soldier in his ranks, "listen, they have war drums"

the little geordie soldier replies "the thievin' bastards!"

[norm the jedi]

best delivered in glaswegian....


Whats the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing Sings...





























Walt Disney

[CrazyHorse]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of dem, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

[communistworkethic]

A man walks in to a Glasgow confectioners and points to some sugary delights, "is that a macaroon or a meringue?"

The shop assistant replies "och noo, you're right it's a macaroon"