Joke thread

[Pete]

And I thought Bernard Manning was dead!

[sluffy]

Made me laugh!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv3UCvxUh8E

[Salford Trotter]

Great British Sporting Commentator Gaffes....

And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman)
"Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem" (Howard Wilkinson)
Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker)
"After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought" (Bobby Robson)
"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (David Coleman)
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)
"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe)
"Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew" (Harry Carpenter)
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo)
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised" (Ian McNail)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson)
"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost" (Frank Bruno)
"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)
"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people" (David Coleman)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" (Stuart Pearce)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"We can't tell you the result, but the winning goal from Niall Quinn was
his 14th of the season." (Jim Rosenthal)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them
serious" (Alan Minter)
"Watch the time - it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering)
"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers" (Murray Walker)
"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like
Brazil than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood)
"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)
The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation" (Ron Pickering)
That's inches away from being millimetre perfect" (Ted Lowe)
"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him" (Stuart Pearson)
"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right" (Marlon Starling)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (John Snagge - Boat Race)
"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)

[Verbal]

Two Irish Lesbians?

Gaelic

[walkingdownthemannyroad]

Did you hear Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday?



Says it's the most violent book he has ever read.

[libreg]

Q: What did the first adding machine say to the second adding machine as they parted company?
A: "I'll calc-u-later!"

[Batman]

Manchester City

[Montreal Wanderer]

http://onegoodmove.org/1gm/1gmarchive/2 ... mbies.html#
Needs Quicktime 7.0

[TANGODANCER]

Bloke gets a job as a labourer in a welding and grinding shop. First morning, the foreman hands him a new brush and a pair of goggles.

"What's the gogglies fer?"

"To protect you eyes from sparks of course"

"What, £4 an hour and you expect me to make sparks with this thing?. Forget it mate, I'll go back on the dole"

[Salford Trotter]

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home,however, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife went absolutely berserk and stayed in a mood for hours. After 7 days of swearing and screaming, his wife paused for breath and pointed at him and made him an offer. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days??!?"..... The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!" Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday,the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[Montreal Wanderer]

From: Colonel BJ Finestone, CD, CdeG.

Subject: Heightened global security risk

The French government announced yesterday that
it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to
“Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's
white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a
heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the
alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels
remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change
Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:
"Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as
usual, and the only threat they are worried about is
NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new
submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed
subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can
get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

[sluffy]

Classic clip - makes me laugh every time!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KotjiUQ7e0s

[Montreal Wanderer]

The Small Arrow

The Japanese have finally revealed a mystery for you.
How does the small arrow on your computer monitor work when we move the
mouse?

Haven't you ever wondered how it moves across the screen so smoothly?
Now, through the miracle of high technology, we can see how it is done.
With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent.

Click on the link below and you will find out. Once the website opens,
slowly move your mouse over the light gray circle and you will see how
the magic works.

http://www.1-click.jp/

[CrazyHorse]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff he ate" he finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now? he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[bobby5]

[CrazyHorse]

Another classic email joke....

A Young man called Ron wanted to buy his new girlfriend a birthday present. As they hadn't been
seeing each other for very long, he decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would
strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves, The
sister bought a pair of Knickers for herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the
knickers, Without checking Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following
letter:-

Dear Sasha,
I chose these because i've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the
evenings. If it had not been for your sister i would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears
shorter ones which are easier to remove, These are a very delicate shade, but the lady i bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all, I had
her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.

She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them, I wish i was there to put them on for you the first time, as no
doubt many other hands will touch them before i have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little
damp from wearing, Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love

Ron.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

[Worthy4England]

awsome

[Montreal Wanderer]

Actual Entries from Hospital Charts

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18 She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[CrazyHorse]

Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Mr Gordon, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
2. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

3. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").

4. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
5. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
6. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

7. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
9. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
11. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly call crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
13. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
14. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies.
15. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

16. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
17. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
18. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

Thank you for your co-operation

John Cleese.

[Nozza]

Chelsea have brought out a fragrance - it's called "The Special One" by U-go Boss

Jose Mourinho has declared he wants to go to Portugal and never be seen again. The McCanns have offered to help.