Joke thread
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CrazyHorse
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A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was once a hooker!'.
He thinks for a bit then says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !
He thinks for a bit then says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !
Businesswoman of the year.
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Montreal Wanderer
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- Location: Montreal, Canada
The silent fart
An elderly couple, Yitzhack and Doris were attending synagogue services.
About halfway through Doris leans over to Yitzhack and says to her husband, " I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
An elderly couple, Yitzhack and Doris were attending synagogue services.
About halfway through Doris leans over to Yitzhack and says to her husband, " I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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General Mannerheim
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted...........
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted...........
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SuperWhiteWarrior
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Electric Gretar
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TANGODANCER
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Wife drags the husband round Tesco. He sees a special offer "Ten cans of Stella, £10" and whips them in the trolley. Wife takes them out and says "That's wasting money, you don't need them, think of the cost".
Bit further down she sees a jar of beauty cream £20, grabs it and puts it in the trolley. Husband says "That's false economy, what do you need it for?"
"Ah, but it makes me look beautiful" she replies.
" So do ten cans of Stella and they're only half the FECKING PRICE!"
Bit further down she sees a jar of beauty cream £20, grabs it and puts it in the trolley. Husband says "That's false economy, what do you need it for?"
"Ah, but it makes me look beautiful" she replies.
" So do ten cans of Stella and they're only half the FECKING PRICE!"
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
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americantrotter
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Have we had this one?
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Bitch, leave me alone, I'm married!"
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Bitch, leave me alone, I'm married!"
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Worthy4England
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enfieldwhite
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americantrotter
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That is correct. And freaking hilarious.enfieldwhite wrote:I think it means the wife was so pleased with his response to being undressed against his will that everything else was forgiven. If not, then EH?Worthy4England wrote:Whew - thought it was just me...Raven wrote:Eh?
Imagine waking up after that night to a perfect world. Then the punchline. I dunno I think it's great.
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enfieldwhite
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And such a great line I might try it to see what response I get.americantrotter wrote:That is correct. And freaking hilarious.enfieldwhite wrote:I think it means the wife was so pleased with his response to being undressed against his will that everything else was forgiven. If not, then EH?Worthy4England wrote:Whew - thought it was just me...Raven wrote:Eh?
Imagine waking up after that night to a perfect world. Then the punchline. I dunno I think it's great.
"You're Gemini, and I don't know which one I like the most!"
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CrazyHorse
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CrazyHorse
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Bruce Rioja
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TANGODANCER
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A classic from the late great Bob Monkhouse:
" When you've been out where you shouldn't and got back in the small hours, you creep in, try desperately to make no noise with the door and going upstairs, and then try to get undressed and into bed in the dark without waking her up, deeply afraid she'll give you some real aggro and big dramatic scenes.. Don't do it."
"Stamp up the drive, rattle your key in the door, breeze in their whistling and when you get to the bedroom swing the door open and say in a loud voice: "Where's my little flower? Boy, do I feel sexy tonight"
I bloody guarantee she'll pretend she's fast asleep."
" When you've been out where you shouldn't and got back in the small hours, you creep in, try desperately to make no noise with the door and going upstairs, and then try to get undressed and into bed in the dark without waking her up, deeply afraid she'll give you some real aggro and big dramatic scenes.. Don't do it."
"Stamp up the drive, rattle your key in the door, breeze in their whistling and when you get to the bedroom swing the door open and say in a loud voice: "Where's my little flower? Boy, do I feel sexy tonight"
I bloody guarantee she'll pretend she's fast asleep."
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
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Montreal Wanderer
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- Location: Montreal, Canada
For St Patrick's day:
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a
parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and
give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
*****
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a
parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and
give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
*****
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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communistworkethic
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David Blain is said to be gutted on hearing that his record of spending 44 days doing bugger all in a box has been shattered by both Michael Owen and Obafemi Martins.
power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely
kevin nolan is so fat, that when he sits around the house he sits around the house
kevin nolan is so fat, that when he sits around the house he sits around the house
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