Joke thread
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BWFC_Wyles
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Bench wrote:A duck walks into a pub, goes to the bar and ask's the barman (its a talking duck you see):
'Got any bread?'
To which the barman replies, 'No, we ain't got any bread.'
To which the duck asks, 'Got any bread?'
The barman, with furrowed brow, responds, 'Like I said, we ain't got no bread.'
Unperturbed, the duck asks, 'Got any bread?'
'No.'
'Got any bread?'
'Still no.
'Got any bread?'
Exasperated, the barman reaches for a concealed hammer below the counter 'Look, you annoying b*stard of a duck - if you ask me one more fecking time if I have any fecking bread I'm going to fecking nail your b*stard head to the fecking bar you annoying fecking b*stard'.
To which the duck replies, 'Got any nails?'
'No.'
The duck, nodding its head sagely, then says.......
'Got any bread?'
I actually nearly wet myself reading this. Funniest & stupidest thing I've read in a long time
"Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes, maybe?"
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General Mannerheim
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Little Nikomi is a 10yr old landmine victim from the war ravaged country of Sierra Leone. Two years ago she lost her right leg after stepping on a landmine working on her parents farm. Each day she has to hop with a crutch 2 kms to get to her local school. After school she then has to hop another 1 km to go to the local water well and then return home another 3km with the water for her family.
If you donate just US$5.00 I will send you the DVD.
If you donate just US$5.00 I will send you the DVD.
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General Mannerheim
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Reception teacher asks one of her little students Sarah: "What did you do at playtime?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob.
The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime.
Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at playtime.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob.
The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime.
Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at playtime.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
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BWFC_Wyles
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- Location: Burnden Terrace
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boltonboris
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General Mannerheim
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Got this in a text today:
Little boy runs in to the kitchen and says "Mum, mum, granny has a prawn"
"What's that son?" His baffled mum says.
The boy drags his mum in to the lounge and he points to granny, sleeping naked on the couch, pointing at her clitoris.
The mother, slightly bemused on how to explain this, decides that she should educate her son and says "That's not a prawn, that's your grannies clitoris"
to which the boy replies
"Well it tastest like a prawn!"
Little boy runs in to the kitchen and says "Mum, mum, granny has a prawn"
"What's that son?" His baffled mum says.
The boy drags his mum in to the lounge and he points to granny, sleeping naked on the couch, pointing at her clitoris.
The mother, slightly bemused on how to explain this, decides that she should educate her son and says "That's not a prawn, that's your grannies clitoris"
to which the boy replies
"Well it tastest like a prawn!"
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BWFC_Wyles
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superjohnmcginlay
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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
'You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
'You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What is your last request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse....alone.'
The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE'
The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
'You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
'You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What is your last request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse....alone.'
The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE'
An ice-cream store has a sign up in the window saying “Any flavour you want, we’ll make it, guaranteed or your next ice-cream is free!” So this guy walking pass decides he’ll put this guarantee to the test.
He goes up to the counter and says “I’d like Cheese and Onion flavour, please. One scoop.”
The owner thinks for a second. “Hmmm, shouldn’t take too long. Come back around two.”
So the guy comes back at two and the owner passes him a cone with a scoop of ice-cream on it. The man tastes it and is immediately impressed. “Wow, that really does taste like cheese . . . . . and it tastes really good! But what about the onion?”
“Turn it around,” the owner replies. Sure enough, it tasted just like onion on the other side.
The guy pays and leaves, but he isn’t finished. He’s determined to get that free ice-cream. So he comes back the next day with an even more outlandish request. “Brussel sprouts and gravy, please. One scoop.”
The owner thinks for a moment. “That might take a bit longer. Give me until five.”
So the guy comes back at five, and tastes this monstrosity. “Euuugh,” he coughs, “that’s Brussel Sprouts alright. But you didn’t get the gravy, where’s my free ice-cream?”
The owner shakes his head. “Turn it around.” So the guy turns it around and, sure enough, it tastes just like gravy. He grudgingly hands over his money and leaves without his freebie.
The following day, he marches in again with a flavour that he’s positive will be impossible to capture in an ice-cream. “I want an ice-cream that tastes like a vagina, you hear me, a woman’s vagina! And make it a nice vagina, no yeast infections or anything like that! One . . . . . actually, make it three scoops this time.”
The owner thinks for a second. “Ok. Come back in the morning, I’ll have it for you then.”
So the guy swans in the door first thing in the morning confident that he’ll finally get his free ice-cream. The owner hands him a cone with three huge scoops on top of it. “There you go sir, enjoy.”
The guy takes it and wallops down a big gob-full, then splutters and spits it out. “What the feck?!! Tastes like SHIT!!”
The owner smiles and shakes his head. “Turn it around . . . . .”
He goes up to the counter and says “I’d like Cheese and Onion flavour, please. One scoop.”
The owner thinks for a second. “Hmmm, shouldn’t take too long. Come back around two.”
So the guy comes back at two and the owner passes him a cone with a scoop of ice-cream on it. The man tastes it and is immediately impressed. “Wow, that really does taste like cheese . . . . . and it tastes really good! But what about the onion?”
“Turn it around,” the owner replies. Sure enough, it tasted just like onion on the other side.
The guy pays and leaves, but he isn’t finished. He’s determined to get that free ice-cream. So he comes back the next day with an even more outlandish request. “Brussel sprouts and gravy, please. One scoop.”
The owner thinks for a moment. “That might take a bit longer. Give me until five.”
So the guy comes back at five, and tastes this monstrosity. “Euuugh,” he coughs, “that’s Brussel Sprouts alright. But you didn’t get the gravy, where’s my free ice-cream?”
The owner shakes his head. “Turn it around.” So the guy turns it around and, sure enough, it tastes just like gravy. He grudgingly hands over his money and leaves without his freebie.
The following day, he marches in again with a flavour that he’s positive will be impossible to capture in an ice-cream. “I want an ice-cream that tastes like a vagina, you hear me, a woman’s vagina! And make it a nice vagina, no yeast infections or anything like that! One . . . . . actually, make it three scoops this time.”
The owner thinks for a second. “Ok. Come back in the morning, I’ll have it for you then.”
So the guy swans in the door first thing in the morning confident that he’ll finally get his free ice-cream. The owner hands him a cone with three huge scoops on top of it. “There you go sir, enjoy.”
The guy takes it and wallops down a big gob-full, then splutters and spits it out. “What the feck?!! Tastes like SHIT!!”
The owner smiles and shakes his head. “Turn it around . . . . .”
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CrazyHorse
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- Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2005 2:51 pm
- Location: Up above the streets and houses
Random e-mail...
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.
1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
2. The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
5. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
6. Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
7. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
8. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
9. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
10. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
11. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
12. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
13. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
14. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
15. This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
16. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
17. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
18. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
19. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
20. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
21. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.
1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
2. The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
5. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
6. Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
7. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
8. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
9. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
10. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
11. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
12. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
13. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
14. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
15. This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
16. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
17. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
18. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
19. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
20. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
21. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!
Businesswoman of the year.
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Dujon
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- Location: Australia, near Sydney, NSW
- Contact:
It's not often that Alex Ferguson makes me giggle but this quote from the BBC, relative to his goalkeeper who had an operation last year to rectify a cruciate ligament problem and has now succumbed to an ankle ligament disaster did do just that:
"He's been blighted by these injuries and I just hope he gets a break now."
"He's been blighted by these injuries and I just hope he gets a break now."
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TANGODANCER
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- Joined: Fri Sep 02, 2005 9:35 pm
- Location: Between the Regency and the Rubaiyat and forever trying to light penny candles from stars.
CrazyHorse wrote:Random e-mail...
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.
1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
2. The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
5. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
6. Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
7. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
8. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
9. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
10. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
11. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
12. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
13. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
14. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
15. This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
16. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
17. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
18. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
19. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
20. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
21. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
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