Joke thread

General Mannerheim · Post by **General Mannerheim** » Mon May 25, 2009 8:08 pm

Knorr have released a special edition black & white striped Oxo cube to celebrate the newcastle United's Premier League season.
It's called the Laughing Stock.

Jose Mourinho was quick to quell the rumours linking him with the newcastle job this morning, saying, "I'm not that fecking special."

Newcastle United. About as much chance of staying up as an erection in Susan Boyle’s bedroom

There should be no moaning from newcastle fans if Man Utd field a team of useless players on Sunday...
After all newcastle have done it all season long.

How can you tell if newcastle are losing?
Its five past three.

Shannon Matthews has been found safe and well. Her first words were, "Have newcastle won yet?" "feck off," replies the copper, "You've only been missing a month..."

Joey Barton [narrating]: "The first day's the toughest, no doubt about it. They march you in, hand you your uniform and force you to pose for the photographer while loads of fat, tattooed, skinheads shout abuse at you. That's when you know it's for real. A whole life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left but all the time in the world to think about it. That's when it hits home. That's when you realise you've signed for newcastle."

Channel 4 have announced they are to make a film about Joe Kinnear's time at newcastle.
4 wins and a funeral.

It's official. alan shearer is the worst caretaker since Ian Huntley.

eddybwfc · Post by **eddybwfc** » Mon May 25, 2009 10:49 pm

Gravedigger wrote:
eddybwfc wrote:Any1 got any newcastle jokes??
There were eleven on the pitch yesterday.

and seven on the bench!

Post by **DJBlu** » Tue May 26, 2009 10:25 am

eddybwfc wrote:
Gravedigger wrote:
eddybwfc wrote:Any1 got any newcastle jokes??
There were eleven on the pitch yesterday.
and seven on the bench!

Whats the difference between Newcastle and Alan Shearer?

Alan Shearer will be on Match of the Day next season.

.... Gets Coat.

Gravedigger · Post by **Gravedigger** » Tue May 26, 2009 11:24 am

DJBlu wrote:
eddybwfc wrote:
Gravedigger wrote:
eddybwfc wrote:Any1 got any newcastle jokes??
There were eleven on the pitch yesterday.
and seven on the bench!
Whats the difference between Newcastle and Alan Shearer?

Alan Shearer will be on Match of the Day next season.

.... Gets Coat.

What's the difference between God and Alan Shearer?

God doesn't think he's Alan Shearer

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 1:03 am

I'm looking forward to the french version of Lost.

Dave Sutton's barnet · Post by **Dave Sutton's barnet** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 4:15 pm

How much does a Cockney pay for shampoo?

Pantene.

Athers · Post by **Athers** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 4:20 pm

Q. What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with a French Airbus

A. Half way

Sorry

enfieldwhite · Post by **enfieldwhite** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 4:23 pm

Dave Sutton's barnet wrote:How much does a Cockney pay for shampoo?

Pantene.

Very good.

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Fri Jun 05, 2009 9:23 pm

Not actually a joke but complaints received by Thomas Cook from people booking their all-inclusive holdiays - I wonder what Batty will add to this when he returns.

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

"A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

"A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

"A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned.. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one- bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Bruce Rioja · Post by **Bruce Rioja** » Fri Jun 05, 2009 9:45 pm

Dear God.

And for all that we call the Americans for their stupidity, I recognise every one of those answers as being very, very British.

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Fri Jun 05, 2009 9:59 pm

Bruce Rioja wrote:Dear God.

And for all that we call the Americans for their stupidity, I recognise every one of those answers as being very, very British.

Allegedly true, though I had some difficulty believing the hairdresser one (unless it was the Blackburn lass who turned up twice to sing for Simon Cowell, and her sister).

Bruce Rioja · Post by **Bruce Rioja** » Fri Jun 05, 2009 10:19 pm

Montreal Wanderer wrote:
Bruce Rioja wrote:Dear God.

And for all that we call the Americans for their stupidity, I recognise every one of those answers as being very, very British.
Allegedly true, though I had some difficulty believing the hairdresser one (unless it was the Blackburn lass who turned up twice to sing for Simon Cowell, and her sister).

Oh, Monty. It involves trainee airheads. It's actually the most plausible entry.

Always hopeful · Post by **Always hopeful** » Sat Jun 06, 2009 12:07 am

What about those blind prostitutes....

...you've got to hand it to 'em.

William the White · Post by **William the White** » Sat Jun 06, 2009 12:25 am

no joke better than people... were all the complainees from burnley, or just most of them?

Always hopeful · Post by **Always hopeful** » Sat Jun 06, 2009 12:40 am

I went shopping today for some camauflage jeans, but I couldn't find any.

seanworth · Post by **seanworth** » Sat Jun 06, 2009 9:36 am

I can believe those complaints. I have heard a few myself over the years.

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Mon Jun 08, 2009 11:57 pm

What do you call a house full of funny prostitutes?

A BROFL.

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Wed Jun 10, 2009 7:39 pm

Dr. Kornmehl was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference coincidently held in his home town.

He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.

As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall!

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper.

He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"

Dr. Kornmehl replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I visited once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others.. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Kornmehl replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Kornmehl fart?"

eddybwfc · Post by **eddybwfc** » Thu Jun 11, 2009 2:59 pm

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman; ''Got any bread?''

The barman says ''No.''

The duck says; ''Got any bread?''

The barman says ''No.''

The duck says; ''Got any bread?''

The barman says ''No.''

The duck says; ''Got any bread?''

The barman says ''Listen, you ask me that one more fecking time and I will nail you to the bar!''

The duck says; ''Got any nails?''

The barman says ''No!''

The duck says; ''Got any bread?''

enfieldwhite · Post by **enfieldwhite** » Thu Jun 11, 2009 4:05 pm

Montreal Wanderer wrote:Dr. Kornmehl was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference coincidently held in his home town.

He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.

As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall!

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper.

He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"

Dr. Kornmehl replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I visited once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others.. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Kornmehl replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Kornmehl fart?"

I didn't find this funny until I read it back and found he hadn't FAINTED!

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