Joke thread

eddybwfc · Post by **eddybwfc** » Tue Jun 30, 2009 4:11 pm

Prufrock wrote:Seeing as Mr Mannerheim is not here....I did try to hold back. Unlike the people's princess mkII, Mr Jackson kinda mattered, and is just about the biggest waste of talent since, if not ever more than his father-in-law, so I resolved to be good. However the amount of idiot no marks sharing their 'grief' for the man they never met, all over every available media outlet has made me think I need to redress the balance. So....

Apparently Gary Glitter has won the auction for Jackson's PC

What has 8 legs and doesn't rape children? The Jackson 4.

Apparentaly, the heart attack was caused by tripping over a pram. The police have refused to blame it on the good time, or the bad times, even on the sunshine, they blame it on the buggy.

Whats white, black, and blue all over? A depressed zebra, obviously.

And the best.......

I bet Caspar is shitting himself.

Yours forever xx

looks like i got a fellow sickipedia follower

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Wed Jul 01, 2009 12:01 am

Michael staggers out of the pub outside a dozen pints of Guinness. Takes a short cut home across the cemetery, doesn't see a newly dug grave and falls straight in it. It's been raining and after several attempts to climb out he settles down in a corner and nods off. Ten minutes later Patrick staggers along the same route and also falls in the grave. He tries to climb out and suddenly Michael taps him on the shoulder and says: .

"Give it up lad, you'll never get out of here"

He did.

General Mannerheim · Post by **General Mannerheim** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 1:30 pm

im back - but i lost my phone and ive had no internet - so i have totally missed all the jacko jokes!

Apologies.

markakamark · Post by **markakamark** » Fri Jul 03, 2009 9:54 am

Apparently Michael Jackson isn't dead, he only had a stroke, and that was in the childrens hospital.

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Fri Jul 03, 2009 9:06 pm

Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."

RealLifeHobbit · Post by **RealLifeHobbit** » Fri Jul 03, 2009 9:34 pm

I spent ages trying to cross a busy road.

Some passer-by said "There's a zebra crossing 50 yards up the road."

I thought "I hope he's having better luck than me".

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Fri Jul 03, 2009 10:04 pm

RealLifeHobbit wrote:I spent ages trying to cross a busy road.

Some passer-by said "There's a zebra crossing 50 yards up the road."

I thought "I hope he's having better luck than me".

That reminds me of the guy racing full belt down the road shouting "Lion on the loose"

Bloke shouts to him: "Which way's it going?"

"Well I'm not fxxking chasing the barsteward am I?"

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Sat Jul 04, 2009 1:24 am

It was reported that Michael Jackson had xanax, prilosec, vicodin, demerol and zoloft........ i didnt know he'd fecked Bob Geldof's kids!

KeeeeeeeBaaaaaaab · Post by **KeeeeeeeBaaaaaaab** » Sat Jul 04, 2009 1:56 am

Prufrock wrote:It was reported that Michael Jackson had xanax, prilosec, vicodin, demerol and zoloft........ i didnt know he'd fecked Bob Geldof's kids!

Wahey! Well, I'd heard that the toxicology reports confirmed that there were no class A or class B inside him. But he had traces of Class 4C inside him.

eddybwfc · Post by **eddybwfc** » Sat Jul 04, 2009 1:31 pm

Honestly! Some people will take offence at anything! I met a bloke with no legs at the bus stop this morning and all i did was ask him how he was getting on...

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Sat Jul 04, 2009 2:17 pm

KeeeeeeeBaaaaaaab wrote:
Prufrock wrote:It was reported that Michael Jackson had xanax, prilosec, vicodin, demerol and zoloft........ i didnt know he'd fecked Bob Geldof's kids!
Wahey! Well, I'd heard that the toxicology reports confirmed that there were no class A or class B inside him. But he had traces of Class 4C inside him.

Jesus Keeeebaaaaab. The man's dead. Have some respect.

eddybwfc · Post by **eddybwfc** » Sun Jul 05, 2009 2:01 am

Anybody else noticed than "Maddie" is an anagram of "Im Dead"...

eddybwfc · Post by **eddybwfc** » Sun Jul 05, 2009 2:01 am

A scouser started working at my office this morning. It's about time - he's been here two f*cking years.

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Sun Jul 05, 2009 2:05 am

eddybwfc wrote:A scouser started working at my office this morning. It's about time - he's been here two f*cking years.

Good to see the database latency wasn't too high

Juewanderer · Post by **Juewanderer** » Tue Jul 14, 2009 2:24 pm

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t again; you're in my closet now....

Juewanderer · Post by **Juewanderer** » Wed Jul 15, 2009 2:02 pm

For some time many of us have wondered who is Jack Sh*t? We find
ourselves at a loss when someone says, You dont know Jack Sh*t?
Thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Sh*t is
the only son of Argh Sh*t who married Oh Shi*t, the owners of Knee Deep
N Sh*t Inc. In turn Jack Sh*t married Noe Sh*t. The couple had 6
children: Holly Sh*t, Giva Sh*t, Fulla Sh*t, Bull Sh*t, and the twins
Deep Sh*t and Dip Sh*t. Deep Sh*t married Dumb Sh*t, a high school
dropout.
After 15 years, Jack and Noe Sh*t got divorced and she
married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Sh*t Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Sh*t
married Lota Sh*t and had a rather nervous child named Chicken Sh*t.
Fulla Shi* n Giva Sh*t married the Happens brothers n had a double
wedding.
The newspaper invited everyone to the Sh*t-Happens wedding.
Bull Sh*t travelled the world and returned home with an italian bride,
Pisa Sh*t. Easy innit!

seanworth · Post by **seanworth** » Wed Jul 15, 2009 2:24 pm

I heard Eat Sh#t is a Good Sh*t.

Verbal · Post by **Verbal** » Tue Jul 21, 2009 10:32 am

1. f(x) walks into a bar and orders a drink. the barman says "sorry mate, we don't cater for functions".

2. e and x go to a party. x is having a great time, talking to people, making jokes, being a sociable person whilst e is sat in the corner by himself. x comes over and asks "why don't you try and talk to some people?". e replies "i can't integrate; it won't make any difference".

jimbo · Post by **jimbo** » Tue Jul 21, 2009 11:01 am

Verbal wrote:1. f(x) walks into a bar and orders a drink. the barman says "sorry mate, we don't cater for functions".

2. e and x go to a party. x is having a great time, talking to people, making jokes, being a sociable person whilst e is sat in the corner by himself. x comes over and asks "why don't you try and talk to some people?". e replies "i can't integrate; it won't make any difference".

It could be worse for e, he could have sine flu.

senorjoeyo · Post by **senorjoeyo** » Tue Jul 21, 2009 11:17 am

Maths Jokes, exellent;

Why shouldn't you play limbo at a mathematical functions party?

too many bast**ds with horizontal asymptotes

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

nice belt

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