Joke thread

[Puskas]

Maths Jokes, exellent;

Why shouldn't you play limbo at a mathematical functions party?

too many bast**ds with horizontal asymptotes


What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

nice belt

No, not excellent. Very bad indeed.

Stop it, before I get onto "What's yellow and equivalent to the axiom of choice?"

[TANGODANCER]

Humour is officially dead.

[senorjoeyo]

can't resist;
What is purple and commutative?

An abelian grape

[Verbal]

How about engineering then?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

[RealLifeHobbit]

In keeping with engineering...

An optimist says "the glass is half full"

A pessimist says "the glass is half empty"

The engineer says "the glass is twice as big as it needs to be"

[thebish]

Maths Jokes, exellent;

Why shouldn't you play limbo at a mathematical functions party?

too many bast**ds with horizontal asymptotes


What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

nice belt

No, not excellent. Very bad indeed.

Stop it, before I get onto "What's yellow and equivalent to the axiom of choice?"

whossisname's banana.. no - grapefruit... no - custard... no - lemon

[Bruno]

I once owned an octopus, but it became ill so I had to get rid.

I gave it to my mate, saying "here's that sick squid I owe you"

Boom Boom

[General Mannerheim]

Saw this bloke in a Man Utd shirt get knocked down by a bus outside my house today!

I thought 'crikey, that could have been me!'

but then i realised i dont even know how to drive a bus!

[thebish]

Saw this bloke in a Man Utd shirt get knocked down by a bus outside my house today!

I thought 'crikey, that could have been me!'

but then i realised i dont even know how to drive a bus!

[Prufrock]

When Rupert Grint had swine flu, do you reckon he got Hogwarts?

[Verbal]

I've had my GF for 2 years now (practically lives with me) - small white, petite thing, cooks for me, always been good to me.

I go away on holiday for a week, come back and something just doesn't seem right. I asked my dad if he had seen anything happen with my GF and he acts clueless.

So fast forward to 3 weeks later... I'm coming home from work when BAM clear as day, right in my Kitchen I catch my father red handed with his meat in my GF.

I was PISSED, told him to get his meat out of GF and GTFO, needless to say my GF got turned off. I just couldn't get over it and that night kicked my GF to the curb.

Now it's been 2 weeks since the incident and that I've been without my GF and about 10 minutes ago my dad had the audacity to ask my how my GF has been, when he's the damn reason we ain't together no more.

Should I get off the computer and start swinging at him?

OR

Pack my stuff and be on my way.

Here's pics of my GF for you lot as I know you'll ask.

http://img139.imageshack.us/img139/3034/85743524.jpg

[eddybwfc]

Now that Lewis Hamilton has won his first Grand Prix of the season, he has a spring in his step. As opposed to felipe massa, who has a spring in his head.

[Bruce Rioja]

Now that Lewis Hamilton has won his first Grand Prix of the season, he has a spring in his step. As opposed to felipe massa, who has a spring in his head.

Oh dear!

[Montreal Wanderer]

Now that Lewis Hamilton has won his first Grand Prix of the season, he has a spring in his step. As opposed to felipe massa, who has a spring in his head.

Oh dear!

Indeed - not perhaps in the best of taste under the circumstances though I gather Felipe is doing better.

[Bruce Rioja]

Now that Lewis Hamilton has won his first Grand Prix of the season, he has a spring in his step. As opposed to felipe massa, who has a spring in his head.

Oh dear!

Indeed - not perhaps in the best of taste under the circumstances though I gather Felipe is doing better.

Not only in terms of taste, Monty, but also by way of the thread title giving more than a broad hint as to what's hoped for in this thread.

[eddybwfc]

Now that Lewis Hamilton has won his first Grand Prix of the season, he has a spring in his step. As opposed to felipe massa, who has a spring in his head.

Oh dear!

Indeed - not perhaps in the best of taste under the circumstances though I gather Felipe is doing better.

Not only in terms of taste, Monty, but also by way of the thread title giving more than a broad hint as to what's hoped for in this thread.

Sorry :S

[General Mannerheim]

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks.. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks,so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

[Montreal Wanderer]

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks.. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks,so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

I saw the original of this (actually much longer) at the Just for Laughs festival here. I think it has to be performed rather than read. "Smoley Hoke, look at all that ducking fust" - it was very clever.

[General Mannerheim]

by Ronnie Barker apparently?

[Montreal Wanderer]

by Ronnie Barker apparently?

Alas, no - I never saw his version which may have been the original. This was by a short, bald beatifically smiling American a couple of years back - I forget the name now but might check. He did it brilliantly but I can imagine the late great Ronnie might have been better.