Joke thread
Moderator: Zulus Thousand of em
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General Mannerheim
- Legend
- Posts: 6343
- Joined: Wed Oct 18, 2006 12:45 pm
f uck em, jokes a joke, bad taste or not - if you get offended by a joke then your a freak.eddybwfc wrote:good one, but i got aload of abuse for writing a joke about the formula one springPrufrock wrote:Rubens Barichello must be amazing at Mario Kart!
With the F1 BMW team pulling out next season, Audi have stated an interest in starting a new team.
But they have already ruled out Felipe Massa as a driver, due to him not having the vorspring duck technique….
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gynandtonix
- Hopeful
- Posts: 1
- Joined: Sun Aug 02, 2009 4:41 pm
Lad of 18 walks into a bar and asks for 14 vodkas.
As the barman is pouring them the lad starts drinking them, one after the other without a pause in between.
"Whoa!" says the barman, "you will make yourself ill....."
"Oh, its ok" says the lad , "I'm celebrating my first Bl*w-job"
The barman with a smile on his face says, "Thats brilliant, have another drink on the house."
"Oh no," says the lad," I could'nt have another. I mean, if 14 doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
As the barman is pouring them the lad starts drinking them, one after the other without a pause in between.
"Whoa!" says the barman, "you will make yourself ill....."
"Oh, its ok" says the lad , "I'm celebrating my first Bl*w-job"
The barman with a smile on his face says, "Thats brilliant, have another drink on the house."
"Oh no," says the lad," I could'nt have another. I mean, if 14 doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
Sure, drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Your celebrating a blow-job but trying to get rid of the taste...gynandtonix wrote:Lad of 18 walks into a bar and asks for 14 vodkas.
As the barman is pouring them the lad starts drinking them, one after the other without a pause in between.
"Whoa!" says the barman, "you will make yourself ill....."
"Oh, its ok" says the lad , "I'm celebrating my first Bl*w-job"
The barman with a smile on his face says, "Thats brilliant, have another drink on the house."
"Oh no," says the lad," I could'nt have another. I mean, if 14 doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
“Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.”
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Montreal Wanderer
- Immortal
- Posts: 12942
- Joined: Thu May 26, 2005 12:45 am
- Location: Montreal, Canada
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!!
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!!
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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Bruce Rioja
- Immortal
- Posts: 38742
- Joined: Mon Jan 17, 2005 9:19 pm
- Location: Drifting into the arena of the unwell.
I'll take that terrible abuse. And give you something even better.Bruce Rioja wrote:OUT!Prufrock wrote:I had some skin grafts on my hands last month but since then I've not been able to connect my DVD to my TV.
The doctor says it's probably down to the scart issue.
"Two pirates were chatting to each other.
The first pirate says, "I like your earrings - how much were they?"
The second pirate says, "Two bucks."
The first pirate says, "Oh, they're not bad for a buccaneer."
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
And to finish,
"But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?"
"Sedimentary, my dear Watson."
Phone, wallet, keys? Yep, now just my coat...
"But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?"
"Sedimentary, my dear Watson."
Phone, wallet, keys? Yep, now just my coat...
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
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knobpolisher
- Reliable
- Posts: 699
- Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2005 1:52 pm
- Location: Sunny Southport
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would have been 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
He's a martyr now though' mum confides.
'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.
And this is my second son Kalid. He would have been 21.'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.
'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.
'Oh, gracious me ...' says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18, she whispers.
'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'
'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
'They blow up so fast, don't they...'
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would have been 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
He's a martyr now though' mum confides.
'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.
And this is my second son Kalid. He would have been 21.'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.
'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.
'Oh, gracious me ...' says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18, she whispers.
'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'
'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
'They blow up so fast, don't they...'
People haven't got a good word for you, but i have T**T.
Carlsberg don't do juries.....unless they sponser your team that is.
My phone doesn't have 'tsunami' in it's dictionary, so if you receive a message saying, 'tptmamg', get the feck off that beach.
My phone doesn't have 'tsunami' in it's dictionary, so if you receive a message saying, 'tptmamg', get the feck off that beach.
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
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KeeeeeeeBaaaaaaab
- Passionate
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- Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2008 8:23 pm
- Location: Dr. Alban's
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CrazyHorse
- Immortal
- Posts: 10572
- Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2005 2:51 pm
- Location: Up above the streets and houses
An Austrailian farm hand, radios back to the farm manager.
'Boss, I got one helluva problem here... I hit a ruddy pig with the truck. The pig seems OK, but he's stuck in the roo-bars on the front and is wriggling and squealing so blady much, I can't get 'im out.
The manager says,'Ok, there's a ....303 rifle behind the seat in the rack, take it, shoot the pig and you'll be able to remove it.'
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said Boss. Took the gun, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.
'So what's the fooking problem na mate?' raged the Manager. 'Well boss, it's his motor-bike....it's stuck under the wheel arch and the bloody blue light wont stop flashing......'
'Boss, I got one helluva problem here... I hit a ruddy pig with the truck. The pig seems OK, but he's stuck in the roo-bars on the front and is wriggling and squealing so blady much, I can't get 'im out.
The manager says,'Ok, there's a ....303 rifle behind the seat in the rack, take it, shoot the pig and you'll be able to remove it.'
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said Boss. Took the gun, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.
'So what's the fooking problem na mate?' raged the Manager. 'Well boss, it's his motor-bike....it's stuck under the wheel arch and the bloody blue light wont stop flashing......'
Businesswoman of the year.
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CrazyHorse
- Immortal
- Posts: 10572
- Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2005 2:51 pm
- Location: Up above the streets and houses
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At the town of:- Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr gurrr kiiing.”
At the town of:- Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr gurrr kiiing.”
Businesswoman of the year.
Little liam gill
Couldn't sit still
Jumped on a train roof
Just to get a thrill
His two mates shouted
"Come down now"
But little liam shouted
"I don't know how"
"Look just above you,
Grab that rope"
Up jumped liam
Didn't stand a hope
The two little scouse lads
Then had a scare
There was liam
Flying through the air
Swinging and dangling
On the end of a wire
There hung liam
With his arse on fire
The moral of the story
The lesson to be learnt
Don't break the law
And you won't get burnt.
__
Apparently liam gill was only larking about on that train because his ambition was to work on the railways.
He wanted to be a conductor
__
Sorry if anybody is offended.
Couldn't sit still
Jumped on a train roof
Just to get a thrill
His two mates shouted
"Come down now"
But little liam shouted
"I don't know how"
"Look just above you,
Grab that rope"
Up jumped liam
Didn't stand a hope
The two little scouse lads
Then had a scare
There was liam
Flying through the air
Swinging and dangling
On the end of a wire
There hung liam
With his arse on fire
The moral of the story
The lesson to be learnt
Don't break the law
And you won't get burnt.
__
Apparently liam gill was only larking about on that train because his ambition was to work on the railways.
He wanted to be a conductor
__
Sorry if anybody is offended.
“Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.”
Warning signs these days are getting ridiculous.
'Warning, contains nuts' on a pack of nuts, 'Please mind the gap' when stepping off a train.
What are we, idiots?
I even saw one the other day telling me to refuse to be put in a bin.
'Warning, contains nuts' on a pack of nuts, 'Please mind the gap' when stepping off a train.
What are we, idiots?
I even saw one the other day telling me to refuse to be put in a bin.
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
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