Joke thread
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William the White
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Montreal Wanderer
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General Mannerheim
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Owen Coyle, Alex Ferguson, Arsene Wenger & Rafa Benitez are out on the p!ss. Owen gets the first round of beers in. next time Fergie gets them in, then Wenger gets them, then Rafa.
Owen then goes to up the bar and gets just himself a pint.
'What's that all about?' complain the other managers.
'This is the 5th round lads, and you're not fukking in it!!!'
Owen then goes to up the bar and gets just himself a pint.
'What's that all about?' complain the other managers.
'This is the 5th round lads, and you're not fukking in it!!!'
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Montreal Wanderer
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- Location: Montreal, Canada
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .
that phrase . . in no time."
Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .
that phrase . . in no time."
Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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Bruce Rioja
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- Location: Drifting into the arena of the unwell.
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Always hopeful
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- Location: Sat in the back bedroom.
A man is driving around a remote area of Cornwall and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The man goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the man recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5... In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a bunch of medals.' 'I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten pounds,' the man says.
'Ten pounds? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.’
The man goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the man recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5... In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a bunch of medals.' 'I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten pounds,' the man says.
'Ten pounds? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.’
Hope is what keeps us going.
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Montreal Wanderer
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- Joined: Thu May 26, 2005 12:45 am
- Location: Montreal, Canada
This one is for Tango
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and they have a fine wine selection.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before.
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and they have a fine wine selection.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before.
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
Cracker
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, andall the patientswere shouting ,'13....13....13' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gapin the planksandlooked through to see what was going on. Some b@stard poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, andall the patientswere shouting ,'13....13....13' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gapin the planksandlooked through to see what was going on. Some b@stard poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
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General Mannerheim
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- Joined: Wed Oct 18, 2006 12:45 pm
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General Mannerheim
- Legend
- Posts: 6343
- Joined: Wed Oct 18, 2006 12:45 pm
hi
something happens with evils
I love FASHION BOOTS MOST.
Fantasy is the destination. Logic is the journey.
Fantasy is the destination. Logic is the journey.
After hearing Fearne Cotton's gaffe when interviewing Morgan Freeman, "My first name is Fearne, F.E.A.R.N.E. bit of a weird one, and my surname is cotton, as in cotton-picking", his proper response should have been, "my first name is Morgan, M.O.R.G.A.N., my surname is Freeman, as in not picking cotton anymore", daft bint.
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
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Worthy4England
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Even by barmy PC standards, this has got me stumped.Prufrock wrote:After hearing Fearne Cotton's gaffe when interviewing Morgan Freeman, "My first name is Fearne, F.E.A.R.N.E. bit of a weird one, and my surname is cotton, as in cotton-picking", his proper response should have been, "my first name is Morgan, M.O.R.G.A.N., my surname is Freeman, as in not picking cotton anymore", daft bint.
Do we not still pick cotton?
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