Joke thread

Gravedigger · Post by **Gravedigger** » Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:04 pm

General Custer and his troops were having a p1ss up before LBH.
The sergeant suddenly jumps up.
"Right, lads. Who's for an Indian?

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:11 pm

Gravedigger wrote:General Custer and his troops were having a p1ss up before Pearl Harbour.
The sergeant suddenly jumps up.
"Right, lads. Who's for an Indian?

Are you pissed?

Gravedigger · Post by **Gravedigger** » Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:14 pm

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:21 pm

Gravedigger wrote:

Is that a deliberate mistake, am I missing something, or have you gone a royally f*cked that one up

?

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:22 pm

Frontier scout in the fort suddenly throws himself down and puts his ear to the ground.

"Apaches coming to attack"

Cavalry Colonel. "What?. When, and how many?"

"Any time now, about a hundred"

"Shxt. Do you think they're well-armed?"

"Bout sixty with rifles, rest with bows and arrows"

"Are they on foot?"

"Nope, bout fifty of em are on horseback"

"Damn, how the hell do you know all this just by listening?"

"Cos there's a fecking great gap under the gates and I can see em"

Gravedigger · Post by **Gravedigger** » Tue Sep 07, 2010 12:51 am

Davy Crocket and Jim Bowie getting p1ssed at Alamo
Jim Bowie jumps up and says. "Hey, Davy! Fancy a Mexican?"

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Tue Sep 07, 2010 1:43 am

Gravedigger wrote:Davy Crocket and Jim Bowie getting p1ssed at Alamo
Jim Bowie jumps up and says. "Hey, Davy! Fancy a Mexican?"

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a horse walk into a bar, and the librarian says, "To get to the other side".

Gravedigger · Post by **Gravedigger** » Tue Sep 07, 2010 2:06 am

Two dogs chattering away to each other pass a horse. The horse stops and says "Feck me, talking dogs!"

truewhite15 · Post by **truewhite15** » Tue Sep 07, 2010 2:24 am

Has everyone been on the silly juice tonight?

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Tue Sep 07, 2010 12:46 pm

Prufrock wrote:
Gravedigger wrote:Davy Crocket and Jim Bowie getting p1ssed at Alamo
Jim Bowie jumps up and says. "Hey, Davy! Fancy a Mexican?"
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a horse walk into a bar, and the librarian says, "To get to the other side".

Speaking as a librarian, what else could the poor chap say?

Gary the Enfield · Post by **Gary the Enfield** » Tue Sep 07, 2010 1:04 pm

Montreal Wanderer wrote:
Prufrock wrote:
Gravedigger wrote:Davy Crocket and Jim Bowie getting p1ssed at Alamo
Jim Bowie jumps up and says. "Hey, Davy! Fancy a Mexican?"
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a horse walk into a bar, and the librarian says, "To get to the other side".
Speaking as a librarian, what else could the poor chap say?

SSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ?

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Tue Sep 07, 2010 3:22 pm

Gary the Enfield wrote:
Montreal Wanderer wrote:
Prufrock wrote:
Gravedigger wrote:Davy Crocket and Jim Bowie getting p1ssed at Alamo
Jim Bowie jumps up and says. "Hey, Davy! Fancy a Mexican?"
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a horse walk into a bar, and the librarian says, "To get to the other side".
Speaking as a librarian, what else could the poor chap say?

SSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ?

Like that.

Lofthouse Lower · Post by **Lofthouse Lower** » Wed Sep 08, 2010 1:06 pm

What do you call a slag with two dicks?

[spoiler]N'Dubz[/spoiler]

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Wed Sep 08, 2010 2:15 pm

East Lower wrote:What do you call a slag with two dicks?

[spoiler]N'Dubz[/spoiler]

I preferred dog with two arseholes

Bruce Rioja · Post by **Bruce Rioja** » Wed Sep 08, 2010 2:42 pm

Bloke asks his Mrs., "What would you do if I won the Lottery?"

His Mrs. replies "Well, I'd take half and leave".

Bloke says "Here's a fiver, feck off".

thebish · Post by **thebish** » Wed Sep 08, 2010 4:29 pm

from the daily mash...

A BRITISH inventor has developed an all-in-one council estate tragedy shrine that can be erected within seconds of something 'sad' happening.

The Portagrief weighs just two kilograms and comes pre-loaded with decaying tulips, a poorly-composed sympathy poem and a tatty-looking teddy bear.

Inventor, Martin Bishop, said: "Within moments of something happening to somebody you've never met, you can share your fake sadness with friends, neighbours and the audience of Sky News.

"It's the indispensable item for the childish, mal-educated grief-vampire who wants to appear really upset in as public a way as possible."

The Portagrief will be offered in three basic models - the Executed Gangsta, the Teenage Traffic Accident and the Little Angel, which will include a card with the message 'yoos in hevin now'.

Bishop added: "I was watching a Sky News reporter standing outside some council estate shit-igloo and the question suddenly occurred to me - where would the average ghoul in the street get their hands on an elaborate tea light holder at four o'clock in the morning?"

Nikki Hollis, a grade six untermensch from Carlisle, said: "When that toddler went missing from down the road, I had my Portagrief Little Angel outside the family's door before the police had turned up.

"Unfortunately they found her the next day so she's not in hevin, which is a shame for her."

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Fri Sep 10, 2010 2:01 pm

I'm an Al'Qaeda pilot. I'd just infiltrated US airspace, and was flying over Florida. Some priest guy below me was burning a book. I got my binoculars out, realised it was the Qu'ran. Shit! I had to abort my mission immediately.

Back at camp I told the guys what happened, and we all decided we'd better give up terrorism.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

THE END

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Fri Sep 10, 2010 2:06 pm

Prufrock wrote:I'm an Al'Qaeda pilot. I'd just infiltrated US airspace, and was flying over Florida. Some priest guy below me was burning a book. I got my binoculars out, realised it was the Qu'ran. Shit! I had to abort my mission immediately.
Back at camp I told the guys what happened, and we all decided we'd better give up terrorism.
And everyone lived happily ever after.
THE END

For the benefit of anyone who doesn't know what that's about:

http://news.uk.msn.com/articles.aspx?cp ... =154632172

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Fri Sep 10, 2010 2:38 pm

TANGODANCER wrote:
Prufrock wrote:I'm an Al'Qaeda pilot. I'd just infiltrated US airspace, and was flying over Florida. Some priest guy below me was burning a book. I got my binoculars out, realised it was the Qu'ran. Shit! I had to abort my mission immediately.
Back at camp I told the guys what happened, and we all decided we'd better give up terrorism.
And everyone lived happily ever after.
THE END
For the benefit of anyone who doesn't know what that's about:

http://news.uk.msn.com/articles.aspx?cp ... =154632172

Does anyone in the world not know, Tango? I think even george W. Bush knows.

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Fri Sep 10, 2010 2:40 pm

Montreal Wanderer wrote:
TANGODANCER wrote:
Prufrock wrote:I'm an Al'Qaeda pilot. I'd just infiltrated US airspace, and was flying over Florida. Some priest guy below me was burning a book. I got my binoculars out, realised it was the Qu'ran. Shit! I had to abort my mission immediately.
Back at camp I told the guys what happened, and we all decided we'd better give up terrorism.
And everyone lived happily ever after.
THE END
For the benefit of anyone who doesn't know what that's about:

http://news.uk.msn.com/articles.aspx?cp ... =154632172
Does anyone in the world not know, Tango? I think even george W. Bush knows.

I only saw it on Sky News site yesterday. Sorry.

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