Joke thread

[davroduk]

I'll try again - not a joke but from an Augusta, Georgia paper.

I am sure I speak for everyone in this Great country of ours when I say....


If only that would be allowed over here

[Montreal Wanderer]

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired..'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

[clapton is god]

A slow burner but I think its hilarious.....

A chicken goes into a bar and sees a suave looking man propping up the bar.

The chicken goes up to the man and asks 'Whats your name?'

'Bond, James Bond,' replies the man, 'Whats your's?'

and the chicken replies 'Ken Chicken.'

[malcd1]

A slow burner but I think its hilarious.....

A chicken goes into a bar and sees a suave looking man propping up the bar.

The chicken goes up to the man and asks 'Whats your name?'

'Bond, James Bond,' replies the man, 'Whats your's?'

and the chicken replies 'Ken Chicken.'

I think you should have finished with 'Ken, Chick Ken' as it took me a while.

[Hoboh]

I'll try again - not a joke but from an Augusta, Georgia paper.

I am sure I speak for everyone in this Great country of ours when I say....


If only that would be allowed over here

Natural justice I'd say same as that nut job who robbed a scooter in Bolton and head on'd a bus, no sympathy with either. Sometimes there is a God.

[CrazyHorse]

A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,

"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".

"Why do you think that ?" he said.

"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says ‘stit ruoy su wohs’".

[Lofthouse Lower]

I just told that one to my friend and he didn't get it

[CrazyHorse]

I just told that one to my friend and he didn't get it

[Worthy4England]

I just told that one to my friend and he didn't get it

He's probably not Welsh...

[seanworth]

Was it Giggs in the car?

[NiceHotCuppaTea]

Think its more of a txt/read it joke...

Jesus walks into a motel, puts 3 nails on the counter and says, 'Can you put me up for the night?'.

[CrazyHorse]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "


'No,' the woman replied.
I'm with the Inland Revenue.....'

[CrazyHorse]

I'll get me coat....

[jaffka]

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off.

So they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next and when asked his occupation, he replied,"Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts dem over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fit".

[Worthy4England]

[Bruce Rioja]

A bloke in a bar says to this girl "You remind me of my little toe". The girl replied "Aww, is that because I'm small and cute?" The guy said "No, it's because I'm going to bang you on the coffee table later!"

[General Mannerheim]

What do you call a China man with a video camera?

Phil Ming

[General Mannerheim]

seems a good place to ask.... theres a picture ont internet always doing the rounds of these two girls on the beach smiling for the camera, but behind them is a fat naked fella with his chopper out - does anyone have it, or know of a link where i can snatch it from? ta

[Wandering Willy]

Masked robber goes into a bank and hands the teller a bag, ordering her to fill it with cash. As he does so his masks slips down which he quickly replaces.

He then asks the teller "Did you see my face?" - "Yes" she replies, so he shoots her.

He asks the teller next to the dead girl the same question. "Did you see my face". Yes - shoots her too.

Turning to the customers behind him he asks the man nearest to him " Did you see my face?".

"No" the frightened man replies, "but my wife did."

[2399]

I made a joke, it's more verbal than written (it's crap)

How do People that live in Bentleigh remember where they live?
They count in Italian...
Unooooo
Dooaaaay
Trayyyyy
Quatrooo
Centre Road