Joke thread

[Bruce Rioja]

[The Axman]

A guy is driving around Dublin and he sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes," the Lab replies.
"So, what's the story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda (police) about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with diplomats and world leaders. Because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a bunch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten euro," the man says.
"Ten euro? This dog is f**kin amazin'. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite."

[TANGODANCER]

A guy is driving around Dublin and he sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes," the Lab replies.
"So, what's the story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda (police) about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with diplomats and world leaders. Because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a bunch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten euro," the man says.
"Ten euro? This dog is f**kin amazin'. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite."

[The Axman]

Here is al list of favourite phrases about clueless people

--The wheel is turning, but the hamster's dead
--Elevator doesn't reach the top floor
--Not the sharpest tool in the box
--From the shallow end of the gene pool
--One less brain cell and he’d need watering
--The light is on but nobody’s home
--Doesn’t have both oars in the water
--Not playing with a full deck
--A sandwich short of a picnic
--Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier
--As smart as a bag of hammers
--A few peas short of a casserole
--Five cans short of a six-pack
--His middle name’s W
--Not exactly Intel inside
--Not the sharpest crayon in the pencil case
--Sharp as a donut
--A few fries short of a Happy Meal
--A few feathers short of a whole duck
--Room temperature is higher than his IQ
--Knitting with only one needle
--Doesn’t know which end of the dart to throw
--Couldn’t find his way out of a phone box
--A circus is missing its clown
--As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
--Did your parents have any children that lived?
--Don’t let your mind wander; it’s too little to let out alone.
--He’s depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
--He couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

[Annoyed Grunt]

But enough about yourself.............

[seanworth]

Cheers Axman. Very funny indeed.

[thebish]

feck off football - I don't care anymore

here's a cartoon!

[plymouth wanderer]

i got a joke


it's a good one


bolton wanderers

[thebish]

[Annoyed Grunt]

^^^

[Montreal Wanderer]

As I walked past the Mental Hospital the other day all the patients were shouting, ’13…..13….13.’

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on…

Some fool poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting ’14….14…..14′…

[Prufrock]

I think my wife is going insane.

She said "Honey, can you unload the dish washer please?"

Next thing you know, she'll be asking the marmalade to take out the bins.

[Prufrock]

Thought I saw Batman's shadow in our house earlier..

Turns out our German Sheppard was sat at the top of the stairs

[Hoboh]

feck off football - I don't care anymore

here's a cartoon!

[thebish]

I am sure you all celebrated Reformation Day yesterday...


Apparently, when Martin Luther was nailing his theses to the cathedral door, he used a large hammer. He accidentally hit himself and was hurt.
Several weeks after that he discovered he was much less popular in the church.
It seems that no one likes a sore Luther.

[Gary the Enfield]

I am sure you all celebrated Reformation Day yesterday...


Apparently, when Martin Luther was nailing his theses to the cathedral door, he used a large hammer. He accidentally hit himself and was hurt.
Several weeks after that he discovered he was much less popular in the church.
It seems that no one likes a sore Luther.

Thumb-thing tells me you've told that joke before.

[thebish]

[Dujon]

Clever, thebish, but not perfect. I hadn't seen that one before. Thanks.

[TANGODANCER]

Arthur is 81 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 16 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is 93years old. He can't help."
"He may be a ninety three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law..
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

[jaffka]

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center... Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."