Joke thread

[Lost Leopard Spot]

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/m ... ound-world

The best jokes from young people around the world allegedly. Hmmmmnn. I do like the French egg one though.

'What do pandas eat?
Bread!'

Amazing

I think it comes across better in its original language: Panda no esa wa nani? Pan da!

[Beefheart]

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/m ... ound-world

The best jokes from young people around the world allegedly. Hmmmmnn. I do like the French egg one though.

'What do pandas eat?
Bread!'

Amazing

I think it comes across better in its original language: Panda no esa wa nani? Pan da!

Well, now I get it!

[Lost Leopard Spot]

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/m ... ound-world

The best jokes from young people around the world allegedly. Hmmmmnn. I do like the French egg one though.

'What do pandas eat?
Bread!'

Amazing

I think it comes across better in its original language: Panda no esa wa nani? Pan da!

Well, now I get it!

To be honest, the Japanese have a very weird sense of what humour constitutes. When I lived there me and the missus were quite often shouted at by random strangers who would yell out "Kaba wa baka desu ne!?" and then crack up laughing. It took me a year to discover that the umbrella my misus had (which sported a carved wooden hippo's head on the handle) was the cause of all the hilarity, because when held with the umbrella up, the hippo's head was upside down and the combination of kaba (hippopotamus) and baka (crazy) which is obviously kaba back to front just had to tickle the old Nipponese funny bones.

[Enoch]

My substance abuse issues mean I never take time off work sick. I'm addicted to placebos.

[Montreal Wanderer]

The pope gets off a few one liners.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIPTdtEvr40" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Enoch]

Daughter told me she heard strange animal noises coming from Mummy and Daddy's bedroom last night, I assured her she must have been dreaming.

I hope she believed me. I want the pony to be a surprise for her birthday.

[PC1978]

Old one but made me laugh!

How do you turn a duck into a successful soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

[Prufrock]

Referee Andre Marriner has been ridiculed in today's newspapers for sending off Kieran Gibbs instead of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain.

The Premier League has responded quickly by suspending Mark Clattenburg and issuing a full apology to Lewis Hamilton.

[davroduk]

Referee Andre Marriner has been ridiculed in today's newspapers for sending off Kieran Gibbs instead of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain.

The Premier League has responded quickly by suspending Mark Clattenburg and issuing a full apology to Lewis Hamilton.

[Prufrock]

What has the Kama Sutra and a cookbook got in common?

Whatever the girlfriend tries from it looks feck all like the picture.

[Bijou Bob]

What has the Kama Sutra and a cookbook got in common?

Whatever the girlfriend tries from it looks feck all like the picture.

I hope she doesn't read that or you'll be facing a barren weekend!

[Hoboh]

[Montreal Wanderer]

The real story behind whatever you have heard

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a bit funny.

By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his bum, which made him feel even worse.

By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He tried every door in the hallway and was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

The President fell to the floor in pain and as he was just about to pass out, Monica bent over him to listen for a heartbeat and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,

"Sack my cook."

And, that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

[Andy Waller]

Thieves have been staling crates of Red-Bull from local businesses.

Honestly, I don't know how they sleep at night...

[clapton is god]

I've just had to have my pet centipede put to sleep.

It had lost 84 of its legs, and, well, the vet said it was on its last legs.

[bwfcdan94]

I was on the tube the other day when a man boarded who was in a wheelchair. I got talking to him and eventually asked
"how did you end up in a wheel chair"
he said "I went to nam"
"what Vietnam" I replied
he said "no, Tottenham"

[TANGODANCER]

Very old joke....

Man walking across a park when the wind blows his hat off. The hat bowled along and a dog out with its owner sees it and takes off with it. First bloke eventually catches up with the dog but the hat's ruined. He asks the second bloke to pay for the damage and gets told in no uncetain terms to pxss off. First bloke says to second: "Your dog ruined my hat. I don't like your attitude"

And the second bloke laughs and says...........

[clapton is god]

^ Old Ken Goodwin punchline that one.

[Andy Waller]

i said to my doctor: "I think I'm addicted to Twitter"

He said "I'm sorry, I don't follow you...".

[thebish]