Joke thread

[Andy Waller]

Aww..

See, I don't find that cute. I see that dog 's body language as ''come any closer and I'll bite your fecking face off!''

Duh, you know nothing. It's obviously telling a joke..

[Lost Leopard Spot]

Aww..

See, I don't find that cute. I see that dog 's body language as ''come any closer and I'll bite your fecking face off!''

Duh, you know nothing. It's obviously telling a joke..

[Montreal Wanderer]

How to lose MASSIVE amounts of weight! We need to figure out a way to market this! Any ideas??? Worth reading to the end!

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.

[thebish]

Aww..

See, I don't find that cute. I see that dog 's body language as ''come any closer and I'll bite your fecking face off!''

reminds me of this...

(ok - not a joke - apologies - but your comment reminded me of all those fb pics of babies and dogs that always set me on edge..)

[bobo the clown]

↑↑↑ Blimey Bish. That should be more widely circulated.

[davroduk]

How can I post this on facebook to warn everyone????

[Prufrock]

Though whoever set that up is a little irresponsible !!

[thebish]

^it's a stunt-toddler!

[Lost Leopard Spot]

It's a pretty aggressive looking toddler. If I was a dog in that situation I'd be bricking it.

[TANGODANCER]

What brought it to mind I'll never know, but suddenly an old Mick Miller classic made me grin:

"Do the folks in Glocca Morra ever ask about us? "

[thebish]

Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like.
On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

[TANGODANCER]

Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like.
On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

I like it....

[thebish]

[thebish]

[jaffka]

Two nuns are riding in a horse and carriage.

One of the nuns starts looking around and then at the other nun; and says: "I've never come this way before"

Second nun smiles and says: "It's the cobblestone streets, dear..."

[thebish]

[Montreal Wanderer]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[bwfcdan94]

[thebish]

[jaffka]

Three generations of hookers were sitting around the kitchen table one morning.

The youngest one moans "The economy is so bad, I can only get $20 for a blowjob.

The middle aged hooker says "Shit, you think that's bad? In my day $5 was a good trick."

The oldest hooker says "Shit, back in the Depression we were happy to have something warm in our bellies."