Joke thread

superjohnmcginlay · Post by **superjohnmcginlay** » Fri Feb 05, 2010 9:00 am

Aye. I didn't get it either.

InsaneApache · Post by **InsaneApache** » Fri Feb 05, 2010 4:11 pm

Do they still lift that bail and tote that barge as well?

jaffka · Post by **jaffka** » Wed Feb 10, 2010 11:45 am

A couple was celebrating their 45th anniversary; they were both 65 years old.

The guy took his wife out to dinner, and during dessert he gave her an old Aladdin-style lamp.

She jokingly rubbed it, and suddenly a genie popped out and granted each of them a wish.

The lady smiled and said, "Oh, we always wanted to take a round-the-world cruise."

The genie said ¨Done, you have two tickets to an all expense paid cruise around the world.¨

Guy looks at his wife and says ¨Honey, I love you, but I'm sorry. I would like to take this with a woman 30 years younger than me.¨

The genie looked at the wife, who was mortified, and said ¨Sorry--a wish is a wish.¨ And poof, the guy was 95 years old.

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Wed Feb 10, 2010 5:22 pm

Portsmouth Chief Executive Peter Storrie meets with Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs about the clubs outstanding Tax Bill.
The Officer tells him - I am going to let you off with the £11.5m tax bill you owe as I am a great admirer of Pompy and I think they are a fantastic club.
Storrie in a startled manner replies - Really?
To which the Officer says - No, I am winding you up.

RealLifeHobbit · Post by **RealLifeHobbit** » Wed Feb 10, 2010 7:30 pm

Portsmouth; The only club where they encourage you to throw coins at the players.

jimbo · Post by **jimbo** » Wed Feb 10, 2010 10:21 pm

Hey mate, will call you later. In my new Toyota Prius at the moment. Can't stop.

seanworth · Post by **seanworth** » Thu Feb 11, 2010 8:41 am

RealLifeHobbit wrote:Portsmouth; The only club where they encourage you to throw coins at the players.

Hoboh · Post by **Hoboh** » Thu Feb 25, 2010 4:00 pm

I have removed this because some one said it was racist and frankly I would not, being the sensitive person I am, like to upset anyone!

Lord Kangana · Post by **Lord Kangana** » Thu Feb 25, 2010 4:11 pm

Have you missed the punchline off or something?

thebish · Post by **thebish** » Thu Feb 25, 2010 4:21 pm

it's hobo's attempt to spread the distinctly pc message that immigrants are not in fact over here stealing our jobs!

bravo hobo!

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Thu Feb 25, 2010 4:59 pm

InsaneApache wrote:Do they still lift that bail and tote that barge as well?

When they jump down and turn around it is not to pick a bale of cotton - it is now called rapping.

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Mon Mar 01, 2010 10:00 pm

A cabbie picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,

you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and

#2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK," the nun says, "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm a Protestant."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party party."

jaffka · Post by **jaffka** » Mon Mar 01, 2010 10:11 pm

A young man, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old man at a small stand selling ties.

The young man asked, "Do you have water?"

The old man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The young man shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need Water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need."

Muttering, the young man staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Fri Mar 05, 2010 2:22 pm

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

Always hopeful · Post by **Always hopeful** » Fri Mar 05, 2010 11:53 pm

I'm gutted. I just found out that our family could have been rich beyond our wildest dreams. Apparently one of our long lost relatives made a significant breakthrough in aviation, long before Montgolfier. Our ancestor invented the cold air ballon. Unfortunately, it just didn't take off.

jimbo · Post by **jimbo** » Fri Mar 12, 2010 1:05 pm

Apparently Jonathan Ross enjoys going to the rugby and playing pranks on people. He just loves Twickenham!

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Fri Mar 12, 2010 1:59 pm

Husband: "Have you ever slept with another man since we got married?"

Wife: "Never"

Husband: " Are you telling tha absolute truth?"

Wife: "Honestly, you're the only man I've ever slept with. With all the others I was always wide awake!"

Worthy4England · Post by **Worthy4England** » Fri Mar 12, 2010 2:06 pm

jimbo wrote:Apparently Jonathan Ross enjoys going to the rugby and playing pranks on people. He just loves Twickenham!

Had to read that one a couple of times...

jaffka · Post by **jaffka** » Fri Mar 12, 2010 9:43 pm

One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and under "occupation" she put prostitution.

The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.

She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation. An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."

He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."

She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."

superjohnmcginlay · Post by **superjohnmcginlay** » Thu Mar 18, 2010 4:17 pm

(a variation on the north/school exam)

SCOTLAND

DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2010

HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

GLASGOW REGION

Name…………………………………….
Nickname………………………………..
Gangname………………………………

1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for large. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?

2. Wee Davie reckons he’ll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he’ll have to start buying two fish suppers every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he’d stayed single?

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they’re winning and every 15 minutes when they’re losing. How many times did they sing it at last season’s Cup Final?

4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock – and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have?

EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers’ Brief?

EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION

Name……………………………………
Rugby Club…………………………….
Daddy’s Company…………………….

1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?

2. Half of Peter’s friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown’s flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair’s dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?

4. Tamsin’s Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin’s Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?

5. Princes Street is 2,467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?

HIGHLANDS REGION

Name…………………………….
Glen………………………………

1. After Hector’s death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Genealogy. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 children?

3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?

4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

5. Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge – Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!

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