Joke thread

[seanworth]

See, Monty. This part of the joke is ideal for your American cake thread thingy.

This is the punchline. This is the funny. This is where the listener laughs.

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.

Oh, but what's this here? Surely not an added bit that yon American needs in order to 'get it'?

Wife: 'So how much do you want?

Have to go with that about American humour. Met a friend of my son over there . This was his joke:
Guy says to his mate: "I'm not happy"
Mate replies: "So which one are you then?" Seven Dwarves, Gedit? HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO.

After hearing this in every bar we visited, golf course etc for three days it paled to the point of almost head-banging.Lovely guy, couldn't do enough for you and generous to a fault, but his humour was crap.

Know a few people from Yorkshire that would love that joke.

[Prufrock]

Help teach kids how the government works by simply taking all their sweets and telling them to feck off.

[CAPSLOCK]

Help teach kids how the government works by simply taking all their sweets and telling them to feck off.

As an alternative to 'kids, just keep grabbing handfuls, they'll never run out and your teeth won't fall out, either'

[Montreal Wanderer]

Aaaah thanks Bruce I didn't get it until you highlighted the last two lines again.

Sorry, Bruce, I just cut and paste them if they make me smile. Don't have time for editing to transatlantic tastes.

[bedwetter2]

I was working in the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my wife:
"Lee,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative." And as I eagerly rushed home I couldn't help but wonder......what the fcuk does "ternative" mean?

[Worthy4England]

I was working in the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my wife:
"Lee,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative." And as I eagerly rushed home I couldn't help but wonder......what the fcuk does "ternative" mean?

[TANGODANCER]

Not racist, just funny:

Waiter in an Indian restaurant checking on the customers. Goes over to a table:

"Curry okay sir?"

"Oh, alright then, one song then fook off"

[Worthy4England]

The best jokes from the Edinburgh Festival (allegedly as voted for by some panel of people)

1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

And the worst

Sara Pascoe "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

Sean Hughes "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"

John Luke Roberts "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."

Emo Phillips "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

Bec Hill "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."

Dan Antopolski "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."


Last year's winner was.

"Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

[jaffka]

A man walks into a bar, grinning from ear to ear, absolutely overjoyed.

'Why so happy?' said the barman.

'Well...' began the man, 'last night while walking home past the railway line I noticed a girl was tied to the tracks. I quickly ran over and untied her, and, in her state, decided it best to bring her home. We got back to my place and before I knew it we just started making love, the most amazing sex--cowgirl, anal, titty job, you name it. It was amazing, sublime!'

'Excellent!' said the barman 'How was the blowjob?'

'I don't know' said the man, 'I never found her head'.

[General Mannerheim]

The best jokes from the Edinburgh Festival (allegedly as voted for by some panel of people)

1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

And the worst

Sara Pascoe "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

Sean Hughes "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"

John Luke Roberts "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."

Emo Phillips "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

Bec Hill "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."

Dan Antopolski "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."


Last year's winner was.

"Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

Tim Vine absolutely cracks me up! some beauties here!

THE QUICKFIRE GENIUS OF TIM VINE

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.''

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it....

"Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they?." "

This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

The price of hearing aids has gone up?Deaf people across the country are going "how much?"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are."

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?...crematoriums"

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow. I said "How about Another 48 hours?" , he said "Tomorrow!"

[Lennon'sEleven]

My mum thinks that LOL means 'lots of love'. She sent me a text: Your grandma just died, LOL.

[Cheese]

THE QUICKFIRE GENIUS OF TIM VINE

Think you'll find that most of those are Tommy Cooper gags.

[Worthy4England]

THE QUICKFIRE GENIUS OF TIM VINE

Think you'll find that most of those are Tommy Cooper gags.

Certainly a good few aren't "original Tim Vine"...

[TANGODANCER]

Definition of mixed feelings: Watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your new car.

[thebish]

not - as it claims - genuine - but funny anyway!

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[Prufrock]

A dad hires a clown for his kids 7th birthday party.
The clown gets up in front of the kids, puts his hand in his pocket and says
"right if you kids can guess what I've got in my pocket you win it as a prize"
"is it a sweet mister?"- "no it isn't a sweet"
"is it a toy mister?" - "no it's not a toy either"
"Is it money mister?" - "No it isn't money"
What is it then?
"IT'S MY COCK!" shouts the clown- at this point the kids father grabs the clown and drags him through to the kitchen and says "What the hell are you playing at? These kids are only 7 years old"
Clown says "Look I'm really sorry- I usually do an adult act and I'm a bit hungover today and accidentally went into the wrong routine- it won't happen again"
Dad says "It better not or I'll phone the police- now get back through there and entertain the kids"
Clown gets back up on stage and says "OK kids, lets start again if any of you can guess what I'm holding in my pocket you win it as a prize"
"Is it a sweet mister?"- "No it's not a sweet"
"Is it a toy mister?" - "No it isn't a toy"
"Is it money mister?" - "No it isn't money"
"What is it then?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Clown looks at the father and says "You better phone the police- it's my cock again"

[seanworth]

I have no idea why I laughed at that.

[Gary the Enfield]

Me either, but I did!

[jaffka]

An old widower living alone in the country wanted to plant his pepper garden, but the ground was too hard and he was too old to do the work. His only son who use to help him was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation: Dear Vincent, I've been very depressed lately because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my peppers this year. You know how much your mother loved planting peppers this time of year, but I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me. Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son: Dear Dad, Don’t dig up that garden! That’s where I buried the bodies! Love, Vinnie

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area looking for the bodies. They apologized to the old man after not finding any and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant your peppers now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie

[jaffka]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day.

The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.

After a few seconds he rose and said, "Buffalo come."

The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?"

Tonto replied, "Face sticky."