Joke thread

[thebish]

My Grandad said to me, "It's going to be a nightmare with the flu outbreak this winter!"
I said, "Yeah tell me something I don't know!"
He replied, "......your Grandma's arse can take my whole fist!"

eughhh!!!

[General Mannerheim]

This bloke at work, Mohammed, keeps banging on and on about Islam...

He must proper love that little sheep!

[CrazyHorse]

My mate's just phoned me to tell me he's knocking off his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked how he could tell them apart.
He said it's easy because her brother has got a moustache....

[KeeeeeeeBaaaaaaab]

My missus asked if we could experiment with food during sex.

I got carried away with terminology. She got Toed In The Hole.

[TANGODANCER]

Young novice monk joins a friary. After a couple of weeks he nervously asks one of the older brothers: "How do you control sexual feelings. It's very difficult at times!"

The older brother pats him on the shoulder and beckons him to follow him down to the wine cellar. A large barrel is stood on a trestle and the older monk tells him that when he feels a bit frustrated he should just ask for the key and relieve himself in the bung hole. The young novice tries it and is delighted. For the next three nights he asks for the key and visits the cellar. On the fourth night he asks for the key but the older brother shakes his head in refusal.

"Why can't I have the key Brother, you haven't refused before?"

"Because tonight my son, it's your turn in the barrel".

[Montreal Wanderer]

It was late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

[thebish]

monty - see previous page - under Crazy Horse!

[bobo the clown]

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized

Bobo's going to love this.

Be nice to find him in a good mood...

I've very rarely read the thread & did so today on a bit of a lull.

I quite liked it, thank you very much.

Oh,

no, damn it ....

[thebish]

this clown hath no need of jokes - he funny enough already!

[Montreal Wanderer]

monty - see previous page - under Crazy Horse!

Posted the wrong joke

I had meant to post this (allegedly true) correspondence:

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years.. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:


A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.


(Actual reply from FHA):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual response):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application.

I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France, in 1803 the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.

The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus's expedition...Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"

The loan was immediately approved.

[Reebok Rules]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to Investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But Sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.

'You'll really love my place.

'The grass is almost a foot high'

[Reebok Rules]

I originally posted this on a forum that I share with a large US membership - most got the irony and enjoyed the post, but one guy - board name Rightwing, predictably was incensed, and when on to point out all the reasons why the US wouldn't stand for it! Americans - you gotta love 'em It was posted a couple of years ago so forgive any inaccuracies!
It's a bit wordy, but stick with it


To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2009. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2009) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $10/US gallon- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

[Il Pirate]

I originally posted this on a forum that I share with a large US membership - most got the irony and enjoyed the post, but one guy - board name Rightwing, predictably was incensed, and when on to point out all the reasons why the US wouldn't stand for it! Americans - you gotta love 'em It was posted a couple of years ago so forgive any inaccuracies!
It's a bit wordy, but stick with it


To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2009. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2009) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $10/US gallon- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

I was once at seaworld in florida, when an american guy aged about 35 asked his wife how many days there were in a year. She didn't know, so they asked their two kids, aged about 8/10, who didn't know either. I told them that there were 365 days in a year, and they were genuinely amazed that I knew. I asked how come they didn't know that, and the guy said " what the f*ck do I need to know that for"? I replied " you just asked the question" He turned away and called me a f*ckin' smart ass brit. True story.

[TANGODANCER]

I was once at seaworld in florida, when an american guy aged about 35 asked his wife how many days there were in a year. She didn't know, so they asked their two kids, aged about 8/10, who didn't know either. I told them that there were 365 days in a year, and they were genuinely amazed that I knew. I asked how come they didn't know that, and the guy said " what the f*ck do I need to know that for"? I replied " you just asked the question" He turned away and called me a f*ckin' smart ass brit. True story.

The Pilgrim Fathers must have forgotten to jot it down in their home-made diaries.

[Gary the Enfield]

I was once at seaworld in florida, when an american guy aged about 35 asked his wife how many days there were in a year. She didn't know, so they asked their two kids, aged about 8/10, who didn't know either. I told them that there were 365 days in a year, and they were genuinely amazed that I knew. I asked how come they didn't know that, and the guy said " what the f*ck do I need to know that for"? I replied " you just asked the question" He turned away and called me a f*ckin' smart ass brit. True story.

The Pilgrim Fathers must have forgotten to jot it down in their home-made diaries.

Thank f*ck you didn't tell them about the Leap Year.

[Montreal Wanderer]

I was once at seaworld in florida, when an american guy aged about 35 asked his wife how many days there were in a year. She didn't know, so they asked their two kids, aged about 8/10, who didn't know either. I told them that there were 365 days in a year, and they were genuinely amazed that I knew. I asked how come they didn't know that, and the guy said " what the f*ck do I need to know that for"? I replied " you just asked the question" He turned away and called me a f*ckin' smart ass brit. True story.

The Pilgrim Fathers must have forgotten to jot it down in their home-made diaries.

Thank f*ck you didn't tell them about the Leap Year.

Indeed. The correct answer would be along the lines of an average of 365 99/400ths (if I calculated correctly)

[Dujon]

I am beginning to become angry with the weather. If I've mentioned it before then I apologise.

Not only has it damaged my weather station and computer (insurance claim in progress) but it's decided to turn much of the Australian east coast into either a swamp or a series of interconnected lakes. It's bloody awful. So many lives lost, so many properties ruined, so many crops devastated. I have read that the flooded areas of Queensland equate to the total area of N.S.W. (Qld is much larger in area than N.S.W). Not that N.S.W. has escaped - far from it. If that be so (I don't know who calculates such sums) then it's the equivalent of seven (7) Englands being given a dunking.

Then again, I read the news of Brazil and its floods and land slides and the incredible loss of life. It's just terribly sad.

All I am awaiting now is for climate change 'specialists' to pop out of their dry rotted nests to claim some sort of victory for their arguments.

[TANGODANCER]

I am beginning to become angry with the weather. If I've mentioned it before then I apologise.

Not only has it damaged my weather station and computer (insurance claim in progress) but it's decided to turn much of the Australian east coast into either a swamp or a series of interconnected lakes. It's bloody awful. So many lives lost, so many properties ruined, so many crops devastated. I have read that the flooded areas of Queensland equate to the total area of N.S.W. (Qld is much larger in area than N.S.W). Not that N.S.W. has escaped - far from it. If that be so (I don't know who calculates such sums) then it's the equivalent of seven (7) Englands being given a dunking.

Then again, I read the news of Brazil and its floods and land slides and the incredible loss of life. It's just terribly sad.

All I am awaiting now is for climate change 'specialists' to pop out of their dry rotted nests to claim some sort of victory for their arguments.

And another poster ( like me) joins the "senior moment" team and posts in the wrong thread Dujon.

[Worthy4England]

I am beginning to become angry with the weather. If I've mentioned it before then I apologise.

Not only has it damaged my weather station and computer (insurance claim in progress) but it's decided to turn much of the Australian east coast into either a swamp or a series of interconnected lakes. It's bloody awful. So many lives lost, so many properties ruined, so many crops devastated. I have read that the flooded areas of Queensland equate to the total area of N.S.W. (Qld is much larger in area than N.S.W). Not that N.S.W. has escaped - far from it. If that be so (I don't know who calculates such sums) then it's the equivalent of seven (7) Englands being given a dunking.

Then again, I read the news of Brazil and its floods and land slides and the incredible loss of life. It's just terribly sad.

All I am awaiting now is for climate change 'specialists' to pop out of their dry rotted nests to claim some sort of victory for their arguments.

And another poster ( like me) joins the "senior moment" team and posts in the wrong thread Dujon.

I could try and turn it jokey(ish).

Why did your weather station not tell you to wrap it up inside in the warm and dry, a couple of days before the event?

[thebish]

I am beginning to become angry with the weather. Not only has it damaged my weather station...

sounds like a bit of a fair-weather weather station...