Joke thread

[seanworth]

THE FINAL EXAM……..

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying; they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy. .

Then they turned the page. On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire? _________

[TANGODANCER]

How to give a cat a pill.

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw into cat's mouth.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the #$%^&* cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
3. All done!

[truewhite15]

How to give a cat a pill.

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw into cat's mouth.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the #$%^&* cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
3. All done!

There is no emoticon for laughing so much I'm crying. This disappoints me, as this would have been the ideal situation to use it. MODS!!

[jaffka]

So this guy goes to a five dollar hooker and afterwards finds out that he has crabs. He gets real mad and storms back to her street corner, yelling and screaming about getting a refund.

She sizes him up and says,
"Well, it was only five dollars. What did you expect, lobster?"

[Annoyed Grunt]

So this guy goes to a five dollar hooker and afterwards finds out that he has crabs. He gets real mad and storms back to her street corner, yelling and screaming about getting a refund.

She sizes him up and says,
"Well, it was only five dollars. What did you expect, lobster?"

Sorry Jaffka, but that was shite.

[Worthy4England]

So this guy goes to a five dollar hooker and afterwards finds out that he has crabs. He gets real mad and storms back to her street corner, yelling and screaming about getting a refund.

She sizes him up and says,
"Well, it was only five dollars. What did you expect, lobster?"

Sorry Jaffka, but that was shite.

Thought it was just me that thought that!

[jaffka]

So this guy goes to a five dollar hooker and afterwards finds out that he has crabs. He gets real mad and storms back to her street corner, yelling and screaming about getting a refund.

She sizes him up and says,
"Well, it was only five dollars. What did you expect, lobster?"

Sorry Jaffka, but that was shite.

Thought it was just me that thought that!

Do you want more pics of us all going out?

[a1]

THE FINAL EXAM……..

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying; they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy. .

Then they turned the page. On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire? _________

that joke couldve gone a totally different way.

[Worthy4England]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The pet store owner's heart melts so he gets down on his knees to her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"










The girl blushes leans over and whispers...






"Well I don't fink my pyfon gives a phuk."

[thebish]

[thebish]

[davroduk]

[Prufrock]

There was a comment doing the rounds about Doctors going on strike wielding placards and a hope the crowd watching would mainly consist of pharmacists

[jaffka]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight...let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.

“Good...” she replied. “Get your own fu**ing blanket.”

After a moment of silence...he farted.

[Annoyed Grunt]

Stick to transfer gossip, Jaffka

[jaffka]

Stick to transfer gossip, Jaffka

Haha, I dont aim to please all the people

[thebish]

Stick to transfer gossip, Jaffka

get away!! that was quite funny!!

[jaffka]

Stick to transfer gossip, Jaffka

get away!! that was quite funny!!

Thanks, I dare you to use it on sunday.

[Annoyed Grunt]

Stick to transfer gossip, Jaffka

get away!! that was quite funny!!

[jaffka]

Stick to transfer gossip, Jaffka

get away!! that was quite funny!!