Joke thread

[bwfcdan94]

Oh well. .

[seanworth]

It's all Greek to me.

[Prufrock]

That's the fourth death row prisoner who's climbed out their window and escaped.

I'm going to rethink my 'give 'em enough rope and they'll hang themselves' policy.

[CrazyHorse]

Scientists are predicting that by 2018 we'll never be more than six feet away from a Chelsea manager.

[bwfcdan94]

Scientists are predicting that by 2018 we'll never be more than six feet away from a Chelsea manager.

[Prufrock]

Growing up I always thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.

[bobo the clown]

Growing up I always thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.

Got to be Milton Jones that one.


Though I empathise. I watched Hound of the Baskerville's and the very first Dr. Who film & had a morbid fear of sodden ground thereafter.

For that reason I plan to take the guided walk across the Dee estuary this year, From Parkgate to Holywell at low tide. It's only one way as there's not time to do a return. (there IS a mini-bus brings you back)

[thebish]

Growing up I always thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.

Got to be Milton Jones that one.


Though I empathise. I watched Hound of the Baskerville's and the very first Dr. Who film & had a morbid fear of sodden ground thereafter.

For that reason I plan to take the guided walk across the Dee estuary this year, From Parkgate to Holywell at low tide. It's only one way as there's not time to do a return. (there IS a mini-bus brings you back)

am off to see Milton Jones next week at the Paignton Princess Theatre!

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial a lama.

[Montreal Wanderer]

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!!"

[jaffka]

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!!"

[TANGODANCER]

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!!" EEJIT....

Excellent Monty.

[Worthy4England]

A man has been arrested for a serious sexual assault in South Africa, after waking up and buggering a 6' 5", coloured gentleman, who he mistook for his 5' 6", blonde girlfriend.

[thebish]

[Prufrock]

[Prufrock]

I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000

So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000."

[thebish]

I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000

So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000."

[bwfcdan94]

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!!" EEJIT....

Excellent Monty.

superb

[bwfcdan94]

I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000

So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000."

Another good one.

[Always hopeful]

I was trawling through Asda just before the game yesterday, looking for a Mother's Day card. Nothing took my fancy in the themed cards section, so I looked elsewhere and came across one with a photo of a mother holding a toddler in her arms, with the following speach bubbles:


Toddler: "Where does poo come from?"





Mother: "Well, when we eat things, our body takes all the goodness out of the food and then what it doesn't need gets pushed out as poo from our bottom".






Toddler: "and what about Tigger?"


Not what you'd call a conventional Mother's Day card, but thankfully my Mum appreciated the humour!!

[clapton is god]

A young lad in a Southern Irish village was sat on the pavement crying when a nice lady driving by saw and stopped to help.

"What on earths the matter, son?" She asked gently.

"My mother has just passed away suddenly." He replied.

"Oh, dear," she said. "Would you like me to get Father O'Brien for you?

"No thanks," said the lad. "My mind isn't really on sex just now."