Joke thread
Moderator: Zulus Thousand of em
Re: Joke thread
My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 22-year-old secretary at the Holiday Inn. Please don't be upset—I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Premier Inn with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 22 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 22 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 22. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Premier Inn with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 22 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 22 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 22. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
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boltonboris
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Re: Joke thread
Why doesn't Sacha Baren Cohen eat nuts?
Because of his Ali G
Because of his Ali G
"I've got the ball now. It's a bit worn, but I've got it"
Re: Joke thread
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
TALKING BALLS AS ALWAYS
Re: Joke thread
50 Shades Of Newton Abbot
The other night I was invited out for a night with the "lads." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the stellas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit bolloxed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her . (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her "MIDNIGHT"... she didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted
The other night I was invited out for a night with the "lads." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the stellas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit bolloxed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her . (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her "MIDNIGHT"... she didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted
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Raven
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- Location: Near Coventry but originally from Kent
Re: Joke thread
My dog (proper 57) had his anal glands emptied once and yes the smell is something to behold!!
Re: Joke thread
That's great.
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Lost Leopard Spot
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bobo the clown
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Re: Joke thread
Of course GG and 89 won't understand at all.Lost Leopard Spot wrote:
Not advocating mass-murder as an entirely positive experience, of course, but it had its moments.
"I understand you are a very good footballer" ... "I try".
"I understand you are a very good footballer" ... "I try".
Re: Joke thread
I get it! It's clearly NOT about the nail!bobo the clown wrote:Of course GG and 89 won't understand at all.Lost Leopard Spot wrote:
Grrr...men!
Re: Joke thread
Back from his skiing holiday, my mate wheeled himself into the pub with both legs in plaster.
"Christ mate," I said, "that must have been one hell of a fall!"
"What fall?" he replied. "I paid for the trip with a loan from Wonga."
"Christ mate," I said, "that must have been one hell of a fall!"
"What fall?" he replied. "I paid for the trip with a loan from Wonga."
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
Re: Joke thread
Did you hear about the short-sighted circumsizer?
He got the sack!
He got the sack!
Re: Joke thread
PC1978 wrote:Did you hear about the short-sighted circumsizer?
He got the sack!
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Bruce Rioja
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Re: Joke thread
Fifty Shades of Glasgow - After her 11th orgasm, Senga lay back with a smile curling round her lips, catching her breath she took another deep drag on her fag, and another slug out of the bottle of buckie and said "so yeez aw play fur the the first team at Partick Thistle then?"
May the bridges I burn light your way
Re: Joke thread
After my Prostate examination the doctor left the room.
Then the nurse entered the room, and said those five words you never want to hear.
"WHO THE feck WAS THAT" !!!!!!!!!
Then the nurse entered the room, and said those five words you never want to hear.
"WHO THE feck WAS THAT" !!!!!!!!!
TALKING BALLS AS ALWAYS
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Bruce Rioja
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- Location: Drifting into the arena of the unwell.
Re: Joke thread
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce 'unionised'.
Ask them to pronounce 'unionised'.
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
Re: Joke thread
Bruce Rioja wrote:Fifty Shades of Glasgow - After her 11th orgasm, Senga lay back with a smile curling round her lips, catching her breath she took another deep drag on her fag, and another slug out of the bottle of buckie and said "so yeez aw play fur the the first team at Partick Thistle then?"
The above post is complete bollox/garbage/nonsense, please point this out to me at any and every occasion possible.
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