Joke thread

mrkint · Post by **mrkint** » Tue Jul 16, 2013 11:13 am

Just seen a group of elderly fish swim past.

Old school.

Beefheart · Post by **Beefheart** » Tue Jul 16, 2013 11:19 am

Here's a really bad joke I think I made up, there's probably a good chance it already exists in some form, but if it does I've never heard it:

I went to a restaurant recently where all of the waiters were insects....I got arrested for fly tipping.

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Tue Jul 16, 2013 1:11 pm

Beefheart wrote:Here's a really bad joke I think I made up, there's probably a good chance it already exists in some form, but if it does I've never heard it:

I went to a restaurant recently where all of the waiters were insects....I got arrested for fly tipping.

I don't think it would work in North America as few people would know what fly tipping was.

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Wed Jul 17, 2013 10:21 pm

Because of her size, we had to order a specially reinforced armchair for the wife.
When it arrived, we discovered they had accidentally sent us a top spec model, with a vibrating function. It even starts automatically as she approaches the chair to sit.
We called the company to tell them of their error and they informed us they make no such model.

Turns out it was just scared.

mrkint · Post by **mrkint** » Thu Jul 18, 2013 11:20 am

Neil Diamond was born Neil Cole. He’s just really old and he’s been under a lot of pressure.

2399 · Post by **2399** » Thu Jul 18, 2013 12:42 pm

Made this one up; my best yet!!!

What's worse than stepping in Dog Sh*t?????

Play-Doh! Because I can't Lick Play-Doh of my shoe, I'm Bloody Gluten-intollerant!!! (Contains Wheat!)

Lost Leopard Spot · Post by **Lost Leopard Spot** » Thu Jul 18, 2013 1:18 pm

2399 wrote:Made this one up; my best yet!!!

What's worse than stepping in Dog Sh*t?????

Play-Doh! Because I can't Lick Play-Doh of my shoe, I'm Bloody Gluten-intollerant!!! (Contains Wheat!)

*cough* When you state "my best yet!!!" I am not doubting that by the criteria you may be measuring it with, that that is indeed the best one that you have made up. But in the purest interests of mankind and my sanity I am forced to point out, Matty me owd son, that in no way does it actually constitute a joke insofar as it is lacking one prime ingredient of that medium, namely humour.

Gary the Enfield · Post by **Gary the Enfield** » Thu Jul 18, 2013 1:48 pm

mrkint wrote:Neil Diamond was born Neil Cole. He’s just really old and he’s been under a lot of pressure.

Spoken shouldn't be a problem. Written though, erm, should that not read Coal?

thebish · Post by **thebish** » Thu Jul 18, 2013 5:22 pm

Ok - back to real jokes!

If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would they embroider on their towels?

Wait for it....

Hiss and hearse!

Lost Leopard Spot · Post by **Lost Leopard Spot** » Thu Jul 18, 2013 6:24 pm

thebish wrote:Ok - back to real jokes!

If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would they embroider on their towels?

Wait for it....

Hiss and hearse!

Boooooooo

Bruce Rioja · Post by **Bruce Rioja** » Thu Jul 18, 2013 7:27 pm

thebish wrote:Ok - back to real jokes!

If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would they embroider on their towels?

Wait for it....

Hiss and hearse!

Someone's had an ice lolly.

davroduk · Post by **davroduk** » Thu Jul 18, 2013 8:10 pm

Two dyslexics have failed in their attempt to rob a bank, when they ran in and shouted.......

"Air the hands in mother stickers"

"This is a feck up"

PC1978 · Post by **PC1978** » Fri Jul 19, 2013 1:32 pm

davroduk wrote:Two dyslexics have failed in their attempt to rob a bank, when they ran in and shouted.......

"Air the hands in mother stickers"

"This is a feck up"

I tried to avoid it but that made me larf!!!

davroduk · Post by **davroduk** » Fri Jul 19, 2013 8:49 pm

PC1978 wrote:
davroduk wrote:Two dyslexics have failed in their attempt to rob a bank, when they ran in and shouted.......

"Air the hands in mother stickers"

"This is a feck up"

I tried to avoid it but that made me larf!!!

Well I thank you

davroduk · Post by **davroduk** » Fri Jul 19, 2013 8:51 pm

As she eased the cucumber up my arse I remember thinking to myself.....

Thats the last time I ask for help with my packing at Asda !!!!!!

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Sat Jul 20, 2013 2:00 am

davroduk wrote:
PC1978 wrote:
davroduk wrote:Two dyslexics have failed in their attempt to rob a bank, when they ran in and shouted.......

"Air the hands in mother stickers"

"This is a feck up"

I tried to avoid it but that made me larf!!!
Well I thank you

It's like somebody dyslexic tried to copy a Peter Kay transcript. fecked it up. Unsurprisingly.

Worthy4England · Post by **Worthy4England** » Sat Jul 20, 2013 9:56 am

Prufrock wrote:
davroduk wrote:
PC1978 wrote:
davroduk wrote:Two dyslexics have failed in their attempt to rob a bank, when they ran in and shouted.......

"Air the hands in mother stickers"

"This is a feck up"

I tried to avoid it but that made me larf!!!
Well I thank you
It's like somebody dyslexic tried to copy a Peter Kay transcript. fecked it up. Unsurprisingly.

I think it's a rather older joke than Peter Kay.

Lost Leopard Spot · Post by **Lost Leopard Spot** » Sat Jul 20, 2013 12:55 pm

davroduk wrote:As she eased the cucumber up my arse I remember thinking to myself.....

Thats the last time I ask for help with my packing at Asda !!!!!!

Now that I laughed at..

bwfcdan94 · Post by **bwfcdan94** » Sat Jul 20, 2013 5:19 pm

davroduk wrote:As she eased the cucumber up my arse I remember thinking to myself.....

Thats the last time I ask for help with my packing at Asda !!!!!!

davroduk · Post by **davroduk** » Sat Jul 20, 2013 6:52 pm

I said to my wife, "If you lick my balls I'll come."

She said, "feck off, you're going shopping with me, whether you like it or not."

Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Re: Joke thread

Who is online

Connect with your social network account

Who is online