Joke thread

[bwfcdan94]

Telephone rings, woman answers.

Pervert, breathing heavily, says "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, I have, he's watching the football ... who shall I say is calling?"

[Montreal Wanderer]

This one is for the Grammar Nazis.

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned,
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say
'1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?" Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition , because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[Il Pirate]

The wife came home and found me flicking through Chat magazine.

"What are you reading that for?" she asked me.

"It's fascinating," I replied, cockily.

"Don't be a c*nt, Dave," she continued. "One - you hate cats, and two - you can't read French."

Most amused

[thebish]

The wife came home and found me flicking through Chat magazine.

"What are you reading that for?" she asked me.

"It's fascinating," I replied, cockily.

"Don't be a c*nt, Dave," she continued. "One - you hate cats, and two - you can't read French."

[Lost Leopard Spot]

The wife came home and found me flicking through Chat magazine.

"What are you reading that for?" she asked me.

"It's fascinating," I replied, cockily.

"Don't be a c*nt, Dave," she continued. "One - you hate cats, and two - you can't read French."

I don't get it.

[Annoyed Grunt]

The wife came home and found me flicking through Chat magazine.

"What are you reading that for?" she asked me.

"It's fascinating," I replied, cockily.

"Don't be a c*nt, Dave," she continued. "One - you hate cats, and two - you can't read French."

I don't get it.

Seriously?!

French for cat is chat....there is a magazine called Chat

[Lost Leopard Spot]

The wife came home and found me flicking through Chat magazine.

"What are you reading that for?" she asked me.

"It's fascinating," I replied, cockily.

"Don't be a c*nt, Dave," she continued. "One - you hate cats, and two - you can't read French."

I don't get it.

Seriously?!

French for cat is chat....there is a magazine called Chat

(it is more than 45 years since I did some basic French at school. I thought cat was chien - don't, I've looked it up now - dog. ) (and I was bamboozled by the Dave reference - I thought it was something to do with Cameron)

[clapton is god]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further.. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonder ful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"

[Montreal Wanderer]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward,
Then backwards, forward, then backwards again......
Back and forth...
Back and forth.....
In and out.......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,



"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"

[Lost Leopard Spot]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward,
Then backwards, forward, then backwards again......
Back and forth...
Back and forth.....
In and out.......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,



"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"

[LeverEnd]

After spending yet another night on the internet, looking at pictures of meat-free ready meals, I had to face it - I was addicted to online quorn.

[clapton is god]

I've just been asked the time by a British Gas Repair Man.

I said " It's between 8am and 5pm"

[clapton is god]

Prince Harry is 29 today. I expect he will get a card from his dad..... and one from Prince Charles too.

[bwfcdan94]

I've just been asked the time by a British Gas Repair Man.

I said " It's between 8am and 5pm"

Take a bow, that was superb. .

[Bruce Rioja]

Prince Harry is 29 today. I expect he will get a card from his dad..... and one from Prince Charles too.

[thebish]

Prince Harry is 29 today. I expect he will get a card from his dad..... and one from Prince Charles too.

the more you see those photos - the more you know it's true!!

[Prufrock]

My new girlfriend is taking me out shopping tonight.
She said I need new clothes as I look too middle aged.
I'm gutted. I love my armour.

[LeverEnd]

I refuse to watch X Factor or Strictly Come Dancing for economic reasons.

I've just spent 800 quid on a new telly, and I don't want to put my boot through the bastard.

[Montreal Wanderer]

INVESTMENT TIPS FOR 2014

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2014:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

Come on - YOU KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO FORWARD THIS ONE!

[thebish]

Come on - YOU KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO FORWARD THIS ONE!

I have resisted so far!