Joke thread

[Montreal Wanderer]

Come on - YOU KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO FORWARD THIS ONE!

I have resisted so far!

Good - I forgot to delete that part!!!

[Prufrock]

So you're admitting that's not your own work are you?!

[Prufrock]

"What are these chips worth?" I asked a girl in a Blackpool casino.

"Without ketchup? Just a wank, mate."

[Montreal Wanderer]

So you're admitting that's not your own work are you?!

Good heavens, yes! I don't think up jokes like Kinty - I just pass on the few that amuse me (I would not have passed on your latest contribution, btw!).

[Hoboh]

So you're admitting that's not your own work are you?!

Good heavens, yes! I don't think up jokes like Kinty - I just pass on the few that amuse me (I would not have passed on your latest contribution, btw!).

Nor would I

[Bruce Rioja]

Jonathan Ross has caught stealing a kitchen utensil from Homebase. When questioned, he said that he thought it was a whisk worth taking.

[clapton is god]

Jonathan Ross has caught stealing a kitchen utensil from Homebase. When questioned, he said that he thought it was a whisk worth taking.

Nicked!

[LeverEnd]

Jonathan Ross has caught stealing a kitchen utensil from Homebase. When questioned, he said that he thought it was a whisk worth taking.

Nicked!

[Montreal Wanderer]

More stuff from my email inbox

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH: -------------------------------------

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
(This one took me a minute)

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

[Dujon]

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

A late friend would have had a good laugh at that one.

[thebish]

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

presumably to discourage people who are not blind from taking their dogs in the shop?

[TANGODANCER]

Gave me a laugh Monty.

[Prufrock]

Apparently, the security fingerprint sensor on the iPhone 5S can be unlocked by a cat's paw.

I was wondering how they managed to upload all their videos to YouTube.

[Prufrock]

I thought my 4 year old son had a stutter until I realised Peppa Pig was a cartoon character.

[thebish]

[Bruce Rioja]

[bobo the clown]

I have had versions of that. Really, I have.

Plus the guy who when I said "take a seat" sat in what was very clearly mine.

The one who told us that he left his previous job because, and I quote, "the boss was a right nice person. He reported me when I punched him."

Another who challenged my right to judge his application as I " ... hadn't lived his life".

They are all out there, believe me.

[thebish]

those - what are your weaknesses questions are so wanky - as are the answers that are designed to promote something that might be seen as a strength - such as - I'm a perfectionist, I work too hard etc...

what the feck are you supposed to say?? "I have a tendency to grope female employees at the photocopier"??

[mrkint]

anyone who answers like that is a proper bullshitter though, surely? Half of me thinks that what the question is there for, to see if someone's speaks out their arse too much.

[Prufrock]

Point taken, buuuut, I read a 'what not to say' article once that told of someone who answered the question 'what are your three biggest weaknesses?' said he was 'lazy, intolerant and dishonest'. I don't think that's what they meant!