Today I'm angry about.....

[Zulus Thousand of em]

Thanks Zulu I now feel ancient!

[Bruce Rioja]

I'm fecking blazing because at some point between 23:30 yesterday and 07:30 this morning some irresponsible, lazy, dog-owning bastard has allowed their filthy mutt to take a shit at the bottom of my front path. Not even on the pavement - on my path. The lazy feck* have either just turfed the mangy bastard out into the rain because they couldn't be arsed walking it, or they couldn't be arsed picking its shit up - presumably as it was raining!

Irresponsible dog-owners; straight into Hobo's blast cabinet!

[Zulus Thousand of em]

I'm fecking blazing because at some point between 23:30 yesterday and 07:30 this morning some irresponsible, lazy, dog-owning bastard has allowed their filthy mutt to take a shit at the bottom of my front path. Not even on the pavement - on my path. The lazy feck have either just turfed the mangy bastard out into the rain because they couldn't be arsed walking it, or they couldn't be arsed picking its shit up - presumably as it was raining!

Irresponsible dog-owners; straight into Hobo's blast cabinet!

Consider yourself fortunate. I came downstairs at 6.30 this morning to find that my 12-year-old Golden Retriever had shat in front of the telly. Not something he does on a regular basis and, to be fair to him, he did appear to be slightly ashamed.

Cleaning up the mess was not a good start to my day though.

ANYONE WANT BANNING?

[CrazyHorse]

It shat in front of the telly?
Sounds like some kind of dirty protest to whatever is the most viewed in chez Zulu to me. Been watching Man United TV again have we?

[Puskas]

I'm fecking blazing because at some point between 23:30 yesterday and 07:30 this morning some irresponsible, lazy, dog-owning bastard has allowed their filthy mutt to take a shit at the bottom of my front path. Not even on the pavement - on my path. The lazy feck have either just turfed the mangy bastard out into the rain because they couldn't be arsed walking it, or they couldn't be arsed picking its shit up - presumably as it was raining!

Irresponsible dog-owners; straight into Hobo's blast cabinet!

Consider yourself fortunate. I came downstairs at 6.30 this morning to find that my 12-year-old Golden Retriever had shat in front of the telly. Not something he does on a regular basis and, to be fair to him, he did appear to be slightly ashamed.

Cleaning up the mess was not a good start to my day though.

ANYONE WANT BANNING?

This reminds me of the time that Jack Walker took his Premier League winning team out for a cruise (barge on the Manchester Ship Canal - classy, eh?) All went well until the captain called Jack into his office and said, "Sorry, but I've got to tell you - one of your players has taken a dump on the deck. It's foul, unpleasant, and we can't allow it."
"Absolutely not," replied Jack, "I'll have words with them myself."
So he gathered them all together, and spoke - "You've let the whole town of Blackburn down. I'm ashamed to ask, but I need to know the culprit. Who's shit on the deck?"
Chris Sutton, suitably ashamed, responded, "I'm not bad in the air, though".

[Raven]

I'm fecking blazing because at some point between 23:30 yesterday and 07:30 this morning some irresponsible, lazy, dog-owning bastard has allowed their filthy mutt to take a shit at the bottom of my front path. Not even on the pavement - on my path. The lazy feck have either just turfed the mangy bastard out into the rain because they couldn't be arsed walking it, or they couldn't be arsed picking its shit up - presumably as it was raining!

Irresponsible dog-owners; straight into Hobo's blast cabinet!

Consider yourself fortunate. I came downstairs at 6.30 this morning to find that my 12-year-old Golden Retriever had shat in front of the telly. Not something he does on a regular basis and, to be fair to him, he did appear to be slightly ashamed.

Cleaning up the mess was not a good start to my day though.

ANYONE WANT BANNING?

I can outdo that..got up one morning, still dark and stepped in a pile of cat sick...barefooted (me not the sick). I now wear slippers

[Prufrock]

Bullsh*t job applications.

Currently applying for real jobs, and part time ones simultaneously. For one shop assistant online form it asks to be provided with your 'highest educational acheivment'. Degree is not there. No Bachelor's Degree, no undergraduate degree, so I'm stuck with 'other' and then about another 8 boxes to fill out, and yet, options in there drop down list include a 'Lukion Paastodistus', and, and I haven't dropped anything on my keyboard, a 'Ylioppilastutkinto'. This company apparently thinks in this day and age of more and more graduates, they are more likely to get a finnish scrabble high score than someone with a degree. Hmmm.

[Bruce Rioja]

Bullsh*t job applications.

Currently applying for real jobs, and part time ones simultaneously. For one shop assistant online form it asks to be provided with your 'highest educational acheivment'. Degree is not there. No Bachelor's Degree, no undergraduate degree, so I'm stuck with 'other' and then about another 8 boxes to fill out, and yet, options in there drop down list include a 'Lukion Paastodistus', and, and I haven't dropped anything on my keyboard, a 'Ylioppilastutkinto'. This company apparently thinks in this day and age of more and more graduates, they are more likely to get a finnish scrabble high score than someone with a degree. Hmmm.

What, no Baccalaureate? :baldy egg-shaped type looking over a wall:

[Il Pirate]

Bullsh*t job applications.

Currently applying for real jobs, and part time ones simultaneously. For one shop assistant online form it asks to be provided with your 'highest educational acheivment'. Degree is not there. No Bachelor's Degree, no undergraduate degree, so I'm stuck with 'other' and then about another 8 boxes to fill out, and yet, options in there drop down list include a 'Lukion Paastodistus', and, and I haven't dropped anything on my keyboard, a 'Ylioppilastutkinto'. This company apparently thinks in this day and age of more and more graduates, they are more likely to get a finnish scrabble high score than someone with a degree. Hmmm.

Sod a real job. What do you like doing? What are your hobbies? What excites you?...........Think about it; could you expand on your thoughts, enough to make a career out of them/it? Think long and hard young man, before offering your soul for an easy quid.....................................Cos they will steal your pension....................

[Prufrock]

Bullsh*t job applications.

Currently applying for real jobs, and part time ones simultaneously. For one shop assistant online form it asks to be provided with your 'highest educational acheivment'. Degree is not there. No Bachelor's Degree, no undergraduate degree, so I'm stuck with 'other' and then about another 8 boxes to fill out, and yet, options in there drop down list include a 'Lukion Paastodistus', and, and I haven't dropped anything on my keyboard, a 'Ylioppilastutkinto'. This company apparently thinks in this day and age of more and more graduates, they are more likely to get a finnish scrabble high score than someone with a degree. Hmmm.

Sod a real job. What do you like doing? What are your hobbies? What excites you?...........Think about it; could you expand on your thoughts, enough to make a career out of them/it? Think long and hard young man, before offering your soul for an easy quid.....................................Cos they will steal your pension....................

How do I apply to be a speech writer ?

[Il Pirate]

Bullsh*t job applications.

Currently applying for real jobs, and part time ones simultaneously. For one shop assistant online form it asks to be provided with your 'highest educational acheivment'. Degree is not there. No Bachelor's Degree, no undergraduate degree, so I'm stuck with 'other' and then about another 8 boxes to fill out, and yet, options in there drop down list include a 'Lukion Paastodistus', and, and I haven't dropped anything on my keyboard, a 'Ylioppilastutkinto'. This company apparently thinks in this day and age of more and more graduates, they are more likely to get a finnish scrabble high score than someone with a degree. Hmmm.

Sod a real job. What do you like doing? What are your hobbies? What excites you?...........Think about it; could you expand on your thoughts, enough to make a career out of them/it? Think long and hard young man, before offering your soul for an easy quid.....................................Cos they will steal your pension....................

How do I apply to be a speech writer ?

Do you have experience? One of the best places is the House of Commons. Most speech writing work is undertaken with a research element, obviously you need to know what you're talking about.

[mummywhycantieatcrayons]

Bullsh*t job applications.

Currently applying for real jobs, and part time ones simultaneously. For one shop assistant online form it asks to be provided with your 'highest educational acheivment'. Degree is not there. No Bachelor's Degree, no undergraduate degree, so I'm stuck with 'other' and then about another 8 boxes to fill out, and yet, options in there drop down list include a 'Lukion Paastodistus', and, and I haven't dropped anything on my keyboard, a 'Ylioppilastutkinto'. This company apparently thinks in this day and age of more and more graduates, they are more likely to get a finnish scrabble high score than someone with a degree. Hmmm.

Sod a real job. What do you like doing? What are your hobbies? What excites you?...........Think about it; could you expand on your thoughts, enough to make a career out of them/it? Think long and hard young man, before offering your soul for an easy quid.....................................Cos they will steal your pension....................

How do I apply to be a speech writer ?

Do you have experience? One of the best places is the House of Commons. Most speech writing work is undertaken with a research element, obviously you need to know what you're talking about.

Back to the drawing board eh Pru?

[General Mannerheim]

Wasn’t sure where to post this, here/360 thread or a new one – mods or rockers can move it if they wish…

I was gonna post in this thread that Charlie Brooker hasn’t posted a new article in about 3 weeks! but then I had a ganders through the archives and found this gem…

Everyone must be familiar with this scenario, as either the gamer or the novice! I did this with my dad on GTA IV too, he just couldn’t comprehend why I would want to sit there playing it all day for about a week, still cant…. Made me laugh anyway!

Charlie Brooker: why I love video games

Try as they might, video games still don't seem to really register in the mainstream "old media". Newspapers and television still largely report on the gaming world as though it is something mildly amusing that happens overseas. Statistics about how many billions the industry is worth, or how many billion players there are worldwide, tend to be recited with an air of amused disbelief. It's almost as if video games only exist in the imagination of a few friendless dreamers.
It's not just wilful ignorance on the part of rusty old media. It's hard to make games interesting in print or on TV, especially to non-players. Compared to other popular artforms, there aren't many "personalities" in games; no George Clooneys to interview or Britneys to pap. What's more, when addressing a casual audience, it's incredibly hard to describe what a game actually consists of. The majority of people don't speak the lingo. Everyone understands terms such as rom-com or thriller, but mention first-person shooters or MMORPGs and you might as well be speaking Gaelic. And when it comes to explaining even rudimentary game mechanics – well, that's like trying to recount an abstract dream you once experienced.
End result: for all the talk of just how many trillion units Modern Warfare 2 has shifted, games strike around half the population as utterly inaccessible: a peculiar situation for a mass- market industry.
It's partly an image thing. The lack of mainstream coverage means an exasperating number of non-gamers persist in the assumption that all video games consist of either laser beams and bleeping noises or unrelenting graphic violence. But it's also because, to the layman, many games are still off-puttingly complex. This can be frustrating for seasoned gamers, who just want to spread the love. Take Grand Theft Auto IV. It's amazing: one of the most impressive satirical works of the 21st century (I'm not exaggerating). If you're a gamer, you'll naturally want others to share the experience. So you try to introduce the game to your flatmate, your girlfriend, your boyfriend. But they're wary and intimidated. From their perspective, even the joypad is daunting. To you it's as warm and familiar as a third hand. To them it's the control panel for an alien helicopter.
But you persevere, press the pad into their unenthusiastic hands, and offer to talk them through a few minutes of play. And almost immediately you have to bite your tongue to avoid screaming. They run into walls or hit pause by mistake. They swing the camera around until they can see nothing but their own feet, then forward-roll under a lorry. They try to put the controller down, complaining that they're "no good at this". You force them to have another go, but within minutes you're behaving like a bad backseat driver.
"You're in crouch mode," you sigh, as their character waddles comically up the street. "Take it out of crouch mode." Instead they throw a grenade at their own feet, killing themselves and several bystanders. They moan that it's too hard. You force them to try again. Their character respawns. They run against a nearby door and jab at the buttons. "You can't open that door," you offer helpfully. "Why not?" they ask, "I opened another one a minute ago." "That one's just scenery," you sigh. "How do you know?" they say, jabbing all the buttons again. "It just is. Stop it." "Maybe it'll open in a moment," they suggest, jabbing. "It won't."
But they stay there, running against the door. And then, apparently just to annoy you, they start spinning the camera round and round and in and out, going "wheeee!" as they do so. And then they blow themselves up with another grenade, say they can't see the appeal, drop the controller, and leave you sitting there alone, impotent and furious.
Veteran players have years of experience. We're schooled in the way games work. It's as if we have learned a new man-made language, like Esperanto. And games are the equivalent of Esperanto-language movies – except they're better than movies. They're engrossing and exciting, playful and challenging, constantly evolving, constantly surprising. They're interactive and, thanks to the rise of modern multiplayer, infinitely more social than mere television. But because they're in Esperanto, it's hard for non-speakers to appreciate them.
If you don't play games, you're not just missing out, you're wilfully ignoring the most rapidly evolving creative medium in human history. And they're not all high-level Esperanto-fests. What follows is a list of recommendations for people who haven't tried a game in years, either because they find them too complex, or consider them mindless, or have simply assumed that games just aren't their bag. I've tried to avoid the usual Wii stick-waving efforts (currently promoted by Ant and Dec in a series of ads that feel a bit like meetings for some kind of support group; I keep expecting someone to break down). The games here are all relatively simple and incredibly surprising. Some are available free online: you can try them out right now.
Where to start
Canabalt (Mac, PC, iPhone)
adamatomic.com/canabalt
Games don't come much simpler than this. There's only one button, and you can play it online for free, right now. You're a bloke escaping from an unnamed catastrophe. He runs automatically; you just have to hit the spacebar each time you want him to jump. Also available for the iPhone.
Peggle (PC, Mac, iPhone, DS, X360)
The one thing on this list that might ruin your life. The Peggle phenomenon had passed me by until literally a night or so ago. I was up till 5am. Simple and almost unbearably addictive, even though it sounds incredibly dull: you drop balls into a sort of surreal pinball table (or pachinko machine, to be more specific). The idea is to hit all the orange pegs. Like I said, it sounds tedious, but within seconds of picking it up you'll be stuck in a helpless trance, like a lab rat repeatedly nudging a button for a tiny shot of heroin. Ever played Tetris? It's simpler and more addictive than that.
Flower (PS3)
Available for download via the PlayStation network (look, just get a gamer to do it for you). Here is a game that may very well make you cry for reasons you can't quite put your finger on. The gameplay almost defies description: you control a breeze buffeting a bunch of petals around in a field. There's only one button; you control movement by simply tipping your hands in different directions. Again, it sounds dull, but in practice it's captivating, beautiful and strangely heartbreaking. Anyone who dismisses games as violent or soulless needs to experience this as soon as possible.
Professor Layton and the Curious Village (DS)
Don't be fooled by the children's book presentation: this is essentially an interactive detective story, although the story is just an excuse to present you with a series of increasingly challenging puzzles, some of which could cause even the most sophisticated brain to overheat. If I had children, I'd force them to play this on the basis that it would almost certainly turn them into geniuses.
Those are some pick-up-and-play examples. The next few require a bit more investment, but not much. All of the games below will ease you into things gradually, showing you the ropes as you play, entertaining you as you go.
Portal (PC, X360)
An astounding accomplishment; part abstract brainteaser, part sci-fi thriller, part black comedy. Imagine being stuck inside a 3D puzzle with a playfully cruel sense of humour. Something that simply couldn't be replicated in any other medium.
Grand Theft Auto IV (PC, PS3, X360)
Yeah, yeah: the game where you shoot cops and kill innocent bystanders. What 99% of the coverage of GTA fails to note is that a) NONE OF THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING, and b) IT LOOKS LIKE A CARTOON . . . but most importantly c) THIS IS A WORK OF SATIRE. Incredibly dark satire at that. Adjust your filter, view it as a black comedy, and once you're past the outrage you'll come to appreciate what a staggeringly realised piece of entertainment it is.
Left 4 Dead (PC, PS3, X360)
A brilliant introduction to the world of multiplayer gaming. You and three other players (real ones) try to survive a zombie apocalypse together. A co-operative, bonding experience and, again, a very funny one. That's something else that's rarely commented on in the mainstream media: games are funny.
Fallout 3 (PC, PS3, X360)
OK, so this isn't simple, but it's so rewarding that it's worth dangling in front of you as a carrot. It's a role-playing game without a dwarf or an orc in sight, set in a satirical post-nuclear US wasteland that's part 1950s Pleasantville and part Hiroshima. Funny and horrible in equal measure.
Other games definitely worth trying: Bioshock (a lushly stylised thriller with digs at the cult of Ayn Rand); Modern Warfare 2 (think of it as an interactive Bond movie); any of the Burnout titles (impossibly exciting racing games); Picross (for the DS; twice as moreish as sudoku); and Braid (like a platform game designed by Kurt Vonnegut).
You've got a list now, so there's no excuse. Get stuck in.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/20 ... videogames

[Worthy4England]

Good article - I take exception as a Rocker though. I was probably playing computer games when you weren't even so much as a twinkle in daddy's eye!

My missus is the one I have most problems with on "control systems". I've got her as far as Lara Croft and Assassins Creed, but MMORPG's are a step too far...

[General Mannerheim]

"If you don't play games, you're not just missing out, you're wilfully ignoring the most rapidly evolving creative medium in human history!"

[Bruce Rioja]

"If you don't play games, you're not just missing out, you're wilfully ignoring the most rapidly evolving creative medium in human history!"

Which is fine by me.

[Worthy4England]

"If you don't play games, you're not just missing out, you're wilfully ignoring the most rapidly evolving creative medium in human history!"

Hmmm, I'm not sure that bit is necessarily true. Gaming genre's have been generally established for some while now. I'm struggling to recall when someone last came up with something new. Sure, the technologies that the games run on have improved, so you get better graphics, better sound, slicker control systems, but I can't recall the last time I played a game and thought that it offered something genuinely new.

IIRC, Mr Booker espoused a similar view on numerous occasions when he was writing for PCZone...

[CrazyHorse]

"If you don't play games, you're not just missing out, you're wilfully ignoring the most rapidly evolving creative medium in human history!"

Hmmm, I'm not sure that bit is necessarily true. Gaming genre's have been generally established for some while now. I'm struggling to recall when someone last came up with something new. Sure, the technologies that the games run on have improved, so you get better graphics, better sound, slicker control systems, but I can't recall the last time I played a game and thought that it offered something genuinely new.

I'd agree with this. Personally I'd say the last evolution in genres was a couple of years ago with Portal. Before that you're probably looking at Super Mario 64 in what, 1996?

[FD]

"If you don't play games, you're not just missing out, you're wilfully ignoring the most rapidly evolving creative medium in human history!"

I both agree and disagree with this.

For every moment of exceptional creativity, bordering on "art" (see for example, Limbo or Heavy Rain) there are ten games based on teenage fantasy, full of pretence that it's adult, where in practice it's a teenagers view of adult.

[Bruce Rioja]

Today I'm proper raging about people posting about computer games in the 'angry' thread. Go on, feck off!